Memory
by Miss Fenway
Summary: A hockey accident changes the boys' lives forever. No slash!
1. Hospital

**A/N. I know I said I was going to work on, "All Of Me", but to be perfectly honest, my heart hasn't really been in it. i'm going to try though, okay? Promise. in the meantime, here's the beginning of what was meant to just be a drabble I wrote and posted on Tumblr. It's a prologue of sorts and after much encouragement, I decided to work it up into a story. Please bear with me while I get back into writing mode. I hope you enjoy this to start with and as always, thank you. **

**Disclaimer: I don't own anything**

Kendall cannot stop shaking. Every time he closes his eyes, even to blink, he sees the scene play out before him all over again, and a shudder rips throughout his entire body. This is bad. This is really bad.

Sitting next to him, his mother is holding a distraught Katie in one arm and gently running the fingers of her free hand through his hair. His helmet hair. The blond strands are still damp and sticky with sweat, not something she's usually fond of. That's another sign of how bad this is. She doesn't even notice the state of his hair.

Carlos is sitting on his other side, unusually quiet. He's finally stopped crying, but his face is still pale and wet with tears, and his eyes are red rimmed and swollen. He looks so terrified and part of Kendall aches to reach out and comfort him, but his own fear has created a wall all around him and he can't get to anyone. James is pacing frantically around the waiting room, glancing at the clock on the wall every two minutes. His face is whiter than the walls around them and every once in a while he stumbles slightly, but he never stops. He's been pacing since they arrived at the hospital over an hour ago, and Kendall briefly wonders if it really is possible for someone to literally wear through a floor just by walking.

There are more people with them: James' parents and Carlos' father (his mother is home with his younger sisters), the entire hockey team and their coach… they're getting stared at, but none of them really notice or care at all. Their thoughts are elsewhere. A grey-haired doctor approaches them and everyone, with the exception of James who is already on his feet, stands up. Kendall stares hard at him, trying to read him. Doctors must learn how to master the poker face though, because he can see absolutely nothing.

"Family of Logan Mitchell?" he asks, looking around at all of them.

Kendall feels his mother squeeze his shoulder right before she answers. "That's us," she says in a dry, choked whisper. "I'm his mother, Jennifer Knight."

The doctor consults his notes. "Knight?" he repeats.

"I adopted him three years ago," she tells him, beginning to sound strained. "This is my other son, Kendall, and my daughter, Katie." Then she gestures to the others. "Best friends and their parents, hockey team and coach. Anything you tell us, they can hear. They're family too."

The doctor nods slowly. "How about if I tell the three of you privately and have one of my nurses tell the rest?" he suggests in a quiet voice. "What I have to say is not going to be easy to hear." "

Where's Logan?" Kendall demands as his mother weakens against the force of the doctor's words.

"In room 201… But, Kendall-"

He doesn't listen. Kendall pushes the doctor aside and leaves all of them behind. He doesn't care about anything but Logan right now. He needs to see his brother. It occurs to him that he has no idea how bad things truly are, but if he waits one more minute, he'll lose control. That's something Kendall cannot afford. He promised himself he wouldn't cry ever since it happened. When Logan was knocked from behind so hard that his helmet flew off, part of Kendall automatically shut down. So when his brother's head hit the ice with a crack that seemed to shake the whole rink, he didn't cry. When he knelt beside Logan on the ice and called his name repeatedly only to get no response, Kendall didn't cry. When the paramedics came and loaded him onto a stretcher and took him away, Kendall didn't cry. When everyone else broke down in the waiting room, Kendall didn't cry. He hasn't cried yet and he's not about to, not if Logan is still with them. Tears aren't going to help Logan and that's all that matters. Kendall is going to help him and make him better. He's going to. He's not going to cry.

All of that changes in the blink of an eye though. Kendall has reached Logan's room and walks right on it without hesitating. It's nothing like he thought it would be and he almost falls over in shock. There are very little tubes and wires surrounding the hospital bed. An IV stand, a heart monitor, and some kind of computer. That's all. And that's not even the biggest shock. Logan isn't laying in bed, his face deathly pale and his eyes shut. He doesn't have tubes stuck down his throat. He's breathing on his own. He's sitting up. He's awake. Kendall almost cries right then and there but he catches himself just in time. He'll only scare Logan if he starts blubbering like an idiot.

So under the weight of crushing relief, he staggers over to the bed. "Logan," he sighs.

Then everything hits the fan and goes straight to hell. Logan looks straight at him, and with the blankest face imaginable, says in a perfectly clear and serious voice, "Who are you?" That's when Kendall starts to cry.

**A/N. Short, I know, but I like prologues best that way. I'll try to work on the first real chapter soon, okay? I hope you all have a wonderful rest of the week!**


	2. Accident

** A/N. Thanks so much for reading, guys! All right, this is chapter one! The next one will pick up where prologue left off. **

** Disclaimer: I don't own anything!**

"Hey, Kendall! Have you seen my skates?"

Kendall laughs and turns to look at Logan. "_You_ lost your skates?" he asks teasingly. "Logan, I thought you were too organized to misplace anything."

Logan doesn't laugh. He has that deer in the headlights look that appears whenever something doesn't go according to one of his perfect little plans. "Kendall," he practically whines. "this isn't funny! We're supposed to be leaving now! Coach will kill me if we're late."

"Relax, Logan." Kendall says, calmer this time. He knows Logan can only be pushed so far before the teasing becomes something more. "I'll help you. Where did you leave them last?"

At first, he's not sure if Logan heard him because at the moment he's busy tearing apart the hall closet. But then he says, "In here!" so loudly that he catches the attention of their mother and sister.

"Boys! Logan, what in the world is going on?" Mrs. Knight demands, looking both amused and upset at the same time. "Sweetie, are you looking for something?"

"I think he is, Mom." Katie tells him, looking nothing more than amused. "Logan, you look insane right now."

"I'm looking for my skates," Logan says again. "have either of you-"

"in the basement," Mrs. Knight interrupts calmly. "along with all of the rest of your hockey gear." She smiles at the sight of the relief crossing Logan's face. "I told you that's where I wanted it," she reminds him gently. "I also told you that the last time you left it to smell up the closet, I would move it myself."

"Sorry, sorry, thank you." Logan throws over his shoulder as he hurries in the direction of the basement. "Kendall, I'm not dragging our stuff up too. Come on! We have to get going!"

Kendall flashes his mother a quick grin. "Thanks, Mom." He's about to say more, but another call from Logan has them all laughing and him hurrying to the basement stairs.

"Are you and Katie coming to the game tonight?" Logan asks as he heads toward the door. He pauses in his crazed dash long enough to give them both a hopeful look. After three years of belonging to his new family, he still has lingering doubts. Clearly, three years of constant love and affection cannot undo the eight years of damage his father laid on him. A hockey game was always an afterthought to his dad, and here it's the first thought because it involves him and Kendall. He's just not used to that.

"Of course, sweetie!" Mrs. Knight assures him, giving him a quick kiss. "We wouldn't miss it for the world. You'd better go though, we'll see you later, okay?"

Logan's face lights up and he nods before giving them a quick wave before striding quickly out the front door. Amused, Kendall waves too and follows his best friend and brother. "Slow down!" he calls out. "I'm the one driving, remember?" He pulls out his set of car keys and jingles them in front of Logan's face. "Calm down," he advices. "we've never been late to a game or practice in our entire lives. I think Coach will be able to handle this one time. We might not even be that late."

"The longer you drag this out, the later we'll be," Logan points out. "and I'd rather not test that theory of Coach getting mad at us."

As usual, Logan has a point and wins the argument, if it can even be called an argument. Kendall throws his gear bag in the back of the car and climbs in the driver's side. Logan is fidgeting nervously in the seat next to him and Kendall thinks grimly of the one thing Mr. Mitchell did leave behind for his son: A paranoid sense of punctuality. Is it totally wrong for him to be glad that his best friend's dad is dead? He's better of without him. Now they can right and wrong and-

"Kendall?" Logan says, breaking his train of thought. "Is everything okay?"

"Yeah, why?" Kendall focuses his gaze on the road, so Logan can't read him. He has the tendency to do that.

"I don't know, you just got quiet all of the sudden. I'm sorry if I-"

"It's not you," Kendall interrupted hastily. "It's never you, Logan. I promise. I was just. . . thinking about the game. I hope we can win because that means we'll have a spot in the play-offs."

Even with his gaze ahead of him, Kendall can sense Logan's doubtful stare. "Okay," he hears the younger boy say, much to his surprise. He doesn't believe him, but he's willing to let it go for now. They'll probably discuss this later. After all, they have all the time in the world.

* * *

Kendall knows within minutes of the game that they have their work cut out for them. Their opponents, from the rival high school, have always been ruthless competitors with a habit of bending or breaking the rules and somehow getting away with it. Today is no exception. James and Carlos have already been illegally checked into the boards and sent to the penalty box for retaliation. The main problem is, the referees only seem to notice when it favors the other team. Already, Kendall and his remaining teammates are scrambling to keep up with them.

Logan skates quickly to the side, dodging another check and glances over at Kendall, his expression mingling with frustration and worry. It's really bad today. Both teams are fighting for a spot in the play-offs and it appears that the other team will stop at nothing. "We've got to figure something out," Logan mutters as he skates by. "someone is going to wind up getting seriously hurt. . . or worse."

That's the last thing Kendall wants. He loves hockey and one day he hopes to play in the NHL, but his friends are way more important. He'd rather forfeit the game then have someone get hurt. "Let's just. . ." he sighs when the whistle blows, signaling them to the center of the ice for yet another face-off. "Let me see what I can do, okay?"

Predictably, Logan frowns. "Kendall-" he begins, but it's too late to say anything else. He tosses his friend a warning look and then settles into position.

Kendall looks around, taking in his surroundings. He doesn't plan to hurt anyone since that would be counter-productive, but he does plan on sending a message. He doesn't care if it takes him out of the game as long as it gives his teammates some protection. The idea thing would be to do it when the refs aren't looking though and they're almost always looking at him. Maybe if he could switch roles with Logan and give him the puck for a while. Hopefully he'll keep it long enough for Kendall to-

The whistle startles Kendall into action, but not soon enough to claim the puck. He growls in frustration and gives chase along with the rest of his team. Logan, the quickest skater is side by side with the other team's captain who grabbed the puck from Kendall and is trying to steal it. He's up there all by himself and this makes Kendall nervous, giving him a burst of energy. There was no way he's going to let them touch anyone else. Even as another opponent is reaching out with his stick to trip Logan up, Kendall is slamming him hard into the boards.

The check disrupts the game completely as Logan manages to steal the puck and whack it hard toward a teammate who promptly gets checked so hard that both he and the other boy wind up on the ice. They're fighting even before Kendall is back on his feet and the refs are rushing to intercede. Kendall sighs in relief when he sees that Chris, the teammate who was involved in the fight, looks unharmed. Unfortunately, he's headed to the penalty box where James and Carlos are just being released.

"Can't we ever have all our best guys on the ice at one time?" he mutters to Logan. "These refs suck. Katie could call a better game."

"Kendall-" Logan tries to warn, but it's too late.

The whistle blows again and Kendall finds himself being ordered to the penalty box along with Chris for "verbal harassment". His quick temper wants to protest, but he reigns it in and obediently follows his friend. "We're losing because of them, you know." he says once they're settled in. Jason merely nods grimly and with nothing better to do, they sit down and watch.

It happens so quickly that Kendall almost misses it. The skater who he checked away from Logan comes up on his brother so fast that the warning dies on Kendall's lips. He watches in horror as the scene unfolds before him. The bigger, bulkier skater smacking Logan with his stick hard behind the legs. Logan falling backward so fast that his helmet flies off. And finally, Logan's head striking the ice with a crack that Kendall somehow hears above the roar of the crowd. Then, Logan laying on the ice and not moving. Not at all.

Once it's over, things move from hyper speed to slow motion. As quickly as Kendall moves, he feels like he'll never reach Logan. The penalty box doesn't open right away. His skates feel extra heavy and when he first gets out onto the ice, he slips and falls. His lungs feel empty of oxygen, but he doesn't stop. He rises quickly to his feet and skates over to where Logan still hasn't moved. James and Carlos are already kneeling around him and he has to shove them aside. "Logan!" he shouts.

Logan doesn't answer him and tears immediately spring to Kendall's eyes. Tears that he suppresses as soon as he can. _Don't cry! _he orders himself. It's not going to solve any problems and Carlos is already in tears behind him. "Logan, can you hear me?" he asks, trying to keep his voice steady. "Bro?"

Logan's face is whiter than the ice underneath him and there is a steady pool of blood growing, staining the ice bright red. It makes him look even paler. He doesn't even flinch when Kendall calls his name. His chest is still rising and falling in a steady motion, but that's the only sign of life.

"Logan! Move aside, boys, give him some air!" The coach drops down next to Kendall, looking frightened which only scares Kendall more. All around them, the crowd is silent. "Logan? We need the medics out here, he needs to go to the hospital."

_No, no, no, no, it's not that bad. It can't be that bad. _Kendall can hardly breathe. He finds Logan's hands and grips it tightly in his own. The skin feels cold and lifeless and he rubs vigorously at it, hoping it will wake him up. "Logan, please," he begs. "Can you hear me?"

"Logan! Kendall!"

Kendall turns to see his mother walking out onto the ice, somehow steady despite the slippery surface and her obvious shock. The medics are close behind and soon overtake her. He reluctantly backs off so they can help Logan and skates over to his mom. "Mom," he whispers, sounding out of breath for some reason. "it's going to be okay. He'll be fine."

He realizes of course that this might be a huge lie, but he can't help it. He's grown up under the impression that if he loses it, everyone and everything around him will fall apart. If he cries, Logan won't be okay, and he has to be okay, so Kendall can't cry. It sounds like a mess, but it's really all tightly organized. It's like how Logan's whole routine can get messed up by one little thing going wrong. They're more similar than most people think. Logan is a huge part of Kendall's identity. He can't lose him.

** A/N. I hope you liked this, in the meantime have a wonderful rest of the weekend!**


	3. Diagnosis

**A/N. Hi, everyone! I'm pleased to say that this chapter is up much sooner than even I anticipated. I'm still trying to get out of my stressed school mindset so I can concentrate on writing and hopefully this means I'm headed in the right direction. I'm already working on the next chapter so we'll see! In the meantime, thank you for reading and I hope you like this chapter!**

Disclaimer: I don't own anything.

"Is he okay?"

Through the haze of tears, Kendall catches the sound of Logan's voice, full of a detached kind of concern. It triples his agitation and he cries harder, his legs buckling with the force of his sobs until he slides down against the wall and ends up on the floor.

This isn't happening. This isn't real. He must have imagined it. That's the only logical explanation there is. Kendall struggles to cling to this lone pathetic thread of hope. It's like he's hanging by this thread in mid air and all that is below him is a deep, dark nothingness. If the thread breaks or if he lets go, he'll have no choice but to fall slowly but steadily into the blackest of despairs.

"Calm down, honey. Just take a deep breath." a nurse says from somewhere by his left shoulder. She's kneeling on the floor next to him and is gently rubbing his back. Ridiculous, because she's supposed to be taking care of Logan. "Come on now," she says soothingly. "we don't want you in the bed next to him, do we?"

That gets Kendall's attention. The last thing they need is for him to be rendered so helpless and useless. Sucking in a deep lungful of air and somehow not choking on it, Kendall nods. He gathers his strength and rises unsteadily to his feet. He's shaking all over, but with the nurse's assistance, he somehow manages to stagger over to Logan's bed and collapse into the nearest chair. "Logan," he says his brother's name again, the relief gone and replaced by a suffocating fear. "Logan."

Logan is gazing at him in concern, but it's no more concern than what he would have for a random stranger having an emotional breakdown right in front of him. There isn't a hint of recognition or even familiarity in his brown eyes. When Kendall reaches forward to take his hand, he flinches away and mutters an uncertain apology.

"Logan, don't you know me?" asks Kendall, still clinging to his thread of hope. "It's me," he adds before Logan can shake his head in denial. "Kendall."

"Kendall," Logan repeats, the name sounding foreign even to Kendall. "I'm sorry, I don't think I know anyone by that name."

It's so hard to breathe right now. Panic is squeezing all the oxygen from Kendall's lungs and his response comes out like a gasp. "You have to," he whispers pathetically. "you have to know me, Logan. I'm Kendall." Nothing. "Your best friend?" Logan shakes his head and Kendall's heart sinks, weighing so heavily that he begins to lose his grasp on his thread of hope. He has one more card to play, the one he keeps closest to his chest. Right above his heart. "Your brother."

Logan bites his lip, his eyes taking in every ounce of the anguish that is tearing Kendall apart. "I didn't know I had a brother."

Had. Past tense. That and the fact that Logan has yet again displayed that Kendall is complete stranger to him. A knife pierces Kendall in the heart and he doubles over at the pain just as the same knife slashes at the thread of hope he's been trying to hold onto. The thread gives all too easily and Kendall is falling again.

He was wrong though. It isn't a slow and steady descent into despair. It's a free fall, so quick and sudden that it robs Kendall of the air that he was left with earlier. He doesn't even notice the door opening and his mother and Katie hurrying into the room with James and Carlos and Logan's doctor crowding in behind them.

"Logan? Kendall?" Mrs. Knight hurries to Kendall's side and places a gentle hand on his shoulder, her worried eyes darting back and forth between her two sons. Kendall's distress is confirming what the doctor has already told them and her face pales when Logan's only reaction to her is to draw back in surprise.

Katie is more upfront. Shaking all over, she marches to Logan's other side abs takes his hand, ignoring the way he tries to pull away from her as well. "Logan," she says, her voice thick with frightened tears. "it's me, Katie. And Mom and Kendall. And James and Carlos back there." She gestures to the other boys who are still standing frozen by the door. "You recognize us, right?"

Kendall can't look. He almost covers his ears too because every one of Logan's denials is killing him slowly and painfully. It has yet to lighten up. Even Logan's simple, "No, sorry." in answer to Katie's question feels as though it might be the final blow.

Katie starts to cry and is instantly taken into her mother's arms who is at the same time, trying to reach a terribly shocked Kendall. James and Carlos are still standing by the door, too afraid to move. Logan meanwhile, is frustrated.

"What happened?" he finally asks, looking from face to face without a single spark of recognition.

Kendall sits up, calling on his last reserves. "We were playing hockey," he whispers, the images flooding back to him in one violent rush. "and the other team was-"

"I play hockey?" Logan interrupts, looking completely surprised by this.

Kendall grits his teeth together and ignores the poorly concealed gasps of horror from all around him. "You're one of the best on the team actually." he tells Logan calmly. "Anyway, today the other team was playing dirty and the refs weren't calling them out for anything." A lump fills his throat, gagging him. Kendall pauses and tries to swallow what feels like a large rock. "I got sent to the penalty box for checking a guy who tried to trip you with his stick."

Logan frowns. "That doesn't seem right," he says looking around him. His face softens and he looks worried for them and frightened for himself. "and then?" he whispers.

Kendall reaches for Logan's hand again and is relieved when he doesn't flinch away this time. "Then the guy I checked went after you." he says in a haunted voice. "He hit the back of your legs with his stick and you fell backwards. Your helmet flew off and you. . . you hit your head really hard."

Gingerly, Logan touches his head with his free hand and winces. He looks up at the doctor. "Why can't I remember anything?"

The doctor steps forward and introduces himself, but his name flies right over Kendall's head. This is what he missed in his hurry to get to Logan.

"Logan, I'm afraid your brain suffered a tremendous amount of trauma when you hit your head today. It appears that the part of your brain that stores information and memories, the hippocampus, has been greatly affected. There are several cases of amnesia-"

"Amnesia." Logan repeats, sounding as dazed as Kendall feels.

The doctor nods. "Yes, memory loss. There are different causes and types of amnesia. You're suffering from a case of retrograde post-traumatic amnesia. Retrograde amnesia is the loss of pre-existing memories as opposed to anterograde amnesia which is the inability to form new memories. It often affects memories directly prior to the incident, but can reach far back into a person's memory which is what you're experiencing right now. As for the post-traumatic part, well, that's self-explanatory."

"The hockey accident," Logan says faintly.

Kendall lifts his head from his hands and looks up at the doctor. "What can we do?" he begs. "There has to be something."

Rocking back on his heels, the doctor purses his lips and looks thoughtful. "Memory is a funny thing and also fairly unstable. There's nothing we can do for Logan here, just keep him overnight until we're sure he's recovered enough. He could recover on his own, but there's no specific timeline. I'd recommend reinforcing things that have happened day after day. Be sure to tale a break when needed, but don't get too discouraged. Logan could recover some of his memories or all of them. It could happen tomorrow or-"

"It could never happen." Mrs. Knight finishes for him. Her face is drawn and anxious, but she clears her throat and presses for more information. "Um, what would you recommend exactly? Just talking to Logan?"

"Oh no, there's plenty you can do." the doctor encourages. "Show him pictures or home videos. Take him to familiar places and show him familiar people and things. And of course, talk. Tell him about your family life and his relationship with his friends. As you go on, you'll be able to tell how far you can push it every day before it becomes too much for Logan to handle."

Logan is rubbing his temples with his fingertips. "This is all so much." he says tensely. "I don't know anything or anyone." His voice suddenly breaks and he's on the verge of tears. "I don't know what to do. You're all upset, but I don't know you so I can't help or even be upset with you. I don't even know who I am." A choked sob escapes abs Logan breaks down. "I'm scared."

Something inside of Kendall comes alive again and he straightens up. "Logan," he says gently. "I'm scared too. We're all scared. But you're not alone. We're going to take care of you. I promise. No matter what happens, we'll be here with you every single step of the way."

Unable to resist, he reaches out to hug Logan. He ignores the way Logan flinched at his touch and then stiffens in his arms. But he can't ignore Logan when he pulls away, shaking his head. Casting his gaze away from Kendall's stricken gaze, Logan whispers, "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry."

Kendall glances at James and Carlos who have yet to move from the door and to Logan's side. It's like he's looking into a mirror when he sees them. He feels sick, they look sick. He's scared out of his mind, they look scared out of their minds. He's completely heart broken and-

Kendall watches Carlos' face crumble, his bottom lip trembling and his eyes filling, until the younger boy dissolves into tears. He watches as James follows suit, silent tears streaming down his pale face. Yes, they're completely heartbroken too. His mother and Katie are crying quietly as well so they're obviously in the same state.

And Logan. Logan is crying. He's crying not because of what he lost, but because he doesn't know what he lost.

**A/N. I confess to knowing very little about amnesia. My mom is a nurse, but I'm afraid that I've asked her so many medical questions in regard to my stories (my personal favorite was when I was writing Head On Collision and asking her about traumatic brain injures) that she probably thinks I'm crazy at this point. I do as much research on my own as I can, but the only website that I can really understand is Wikipedia. We all know how reliable that site is. It's either that or sites like WEBMD which seem to be written in another language. I hope this is okay. Thanks for reading and have a wonderful week. I love you all!**


	4. Home

**A/N. I can't tell you how much it means to me to have such loyal and supportive readers. I write for you and your encouragement is what keeps me writing. It's a wonderful two-way relationship that I will always be grateful for. Thank you all so much. **

**Disclaimer: I don't own anything.**

"What are we going to do?" Carlos whispers, his eyes riveted to Logan who is sleeping now. It's the first time he's spoken since they got to the hospital and Kendall has never heard him sound so scared and helpless. Carlos has an innocence to him that allows him to see hope when others cannot, but even he can't find a light in the darkness this time. They're all so lost.

James shrugs. "What else can we do?" he asks, trying to keep his own voice steady. "We're going to bring Logan back to us. We're going to help him remember everything, including us. All of us. We're going to tell him how we met and everything we've done together and everywhere we've been and everything that's happened to us. We're going to show him pictures and movies, just like the doctor said we should do. We're going to take him to familiar places and to familiar people and do everything we can. We're not just going to give up."

A hint of a smile crosses over Carlos' face, but when he turns to look at James, the doubt is back. "What if it doesn't work?" he asks. He sounds afraid of putting it into words, but deep down, they all know that they're thinking exactly the same thing.

James doesn't answer at first. His gaze moves around the small hospital room, to Mrs. Knight and Katie, to Kendall who hasn't spoken much at all in the past hour, to Carlos who is watching him dependently, and finally, to Logan who is oblivious to their suffering even when he's awake. "i don't know," he says at last, his tone flat. "I guess we'll cross that bridge when- if we come to it. But for now we have to focus on getting Logan's memories back so we can get Logan back. Whatever it takes." He sits back in his chair and crosses his arms over his chest, eyes on Logan.

It's not a very convincing act. Kendall can see right through him and so can everyone else in the room. No one says anything though, because to contradict his false optimism would be even worse. Instead, Kendall sighs and turns back to face Logan. His face has gained a little color and he's relaxed now. Before, he was crying until he got so upset that the doctor needed to give him a mild sedative. Kendall kind of wishes he could be sedated too. He'd do anything to escape this nightmare, even for just a little while.

"Kendall, are you okay, sweetie?"

He glances over to his mother, who is watching him in concern. He pastes a smile on his face. "I'm okay," he tries to say, but his voice cracks and before he realizes it, he's crying again. He tries to shy away from her as she reaches out to him. "I'm fine," he insists with a sniff. "Logan is the one we need to worry about right now."

"Kendall, Logan is asleep right now. He's okay. I know how hard this must be for you though." she reaches out for him again, and although he doesn't pull away this time, he doesn't lean into her embrace either.

"It's hard for all of us," Kendall tells us, gritting his tenth together. "I'm not the only one hurting right now."

"But you weren't prepared at all," she points out gently. "You had no idea what to expect, Kendall, and I can't imagine what a shock it must have been-"

"Yeah well, letting it get to me isn't going to help Logan." Kendall interrupts shortly. "I need to be strong for him. We all do."

Tears brighten her eyes and Kendal feels sick. He's made his mother cry. "Baby," she whispers. "You can't be the strong one all the time. Even the best superheroes had their weaknesses."

He's not a superhero. Not by any stretch of the imagination. Just like superheroes though, he has his weaknesses though: His family and his friends. Logan, whom he swore to protect when they were fourteen and Logan was left an orphan after his father died in a car accident. Logan is his kryptonite, his most human side, and Kendall would be lying if he said he's not completely devastated by the tragic turn of events. To have Logan pull out of his hug was more painful than watching his dad walk out the front door for the final time.

Again, he doesn't notice how hard he's crying until he feels his mother's arms go around him and he's too weak to protest. He collapses into her and clings onto her, sobbing hard. Instantly, he has a headache, pounding at his skull so hard that the pain makes him cry even more. His eyes are streaming, his nose running, his entire body shaking. "Mom," he says brokenly. "I need Logan back. I need him."

"I know, sweetheart." she replies, rocking him back and forth and running her fingers through his hair. "It's okay to be scared, Kendall."

He doesn't want to be scared though. He wants to be brave and assure everyone that everything will turn out okay. Who is he kidding, he doesn't want to be in this situation at all, brave or scared. He wants to be home with his family, watching a game on TV with Logan or playing a board game with everyone. He wants Logan to- "I just want him to know me again."

"We all do, Kendall." she whispers back. "And believe me, just like James said, we're not going to let him go without a fight. And no matter what happens, we're going to keep him and know that deep down inside, he's the same Logan we always knew and loved."

Kendall nods and takes a strangled breath before pulling away. "Okay," he rasps out, rubbing at his face. "Okay." He drops his hands and looks up at everyone. They're all watching him worriedly, so he forces a wobbly smile to his face. "You're right," he says to his mom. "James, you're right too. Logan is still Logan. He's just. . . missing a part of himself and we have to find it for him." He lifts his head up and straightens his shoulders a little bit. "And we _are_ going to find it." he says stubbornly. "No matter what it takes."

His mother, still looking incredibly worried, smiles a little. "There we go," she says softly, taking a tissues and handing it to him. "We're certainly going to do everything possible, I promise." She leans forward and kisses him on the forehead. "I'm so proud of all of you," she tells them, looking around the room. "I know you're all just as scared as I am, but you're all so strong too. Just remember that it's okay to be scared and to cry every once in a while. You're only human."

Kendall doesn't plan to cry again any time soon. They're bringing Logan home tomorrow and they're really going to have to start working on regaining his memory. He already has several ideas. . . pictures to show him, places to take him, stories to tell him. . . Kendall has everything planned out and he's sure that the others are silently doing the same thing. He's pretty sure though that he's the only one with this specific plan. "Hey guys," he says suddenly wanting to share his idea. "i was thinking. . . tomorrow when we take Logan home-"

"Kendall," his mother interrupts gently. "How about we talk about this tomorrow. I think we're all exhausted and that it would be best for everyone if we could get as much sleep as possible. We need to start taking one day at a time because it isn't going to be easy."

He opens his mouth to protest, but she shakes her head and he snaps it shut again. She's right. He knows she's right. That doesn't make it easy though. The idea has been eating him alive ever since Logan fell asleep and he started thinking about his brother's lost memories. He can't let it go and it scares him a little. Never before has he felt so helpless and yet so powerful all at the same time. He doesn't know what the others will think, but how can they possibly disagree with him? He's has worse ideas that have turned out better than he thought. And this, Kendall thinks, just might be his best plan yet.

Something still worries him though. Aside from the obvious, which is Logan. It's Katie. She's hardly spoken since the accident and she hasn't cried much either. She has just been sitting in her chair, arms wrapped protectively around herself, watching Logan. She's hardly moved from that position and it's been hours. Kendall knows this can't be good, but he also knows Katie. She's not going to give in just yet. She needs time, maybe so everything can start to sink in. Whatever happens and whenever it happens, he'll be waiting and he'll be ready. He doesn't care what his mom says, he'll prove her wrong. He can be strong all the time. After all, someone has to. Otherwise, they'll fall like Dominoes, one by one, into despair, until there's nothing left. Kendall isn't about to let that happen.

* * *

Kendall knocked on the hospital door before opening it and stepping inside the room. He had his smile ready to go as he greets Logan. "Hey," he says, nodding to the nurse who is there as well. "Ready to go home?"

Logan bites his lip, his brow furrowing in concentration. "You're. . . James, right?"

_DO. NOT. CRY. _If Logan bites his lip to concentrate, then Kendall bites his to keep from crying. "Kendall," he says in a voice that is somehow steady. "I'm Kendall."

Logan's face just drops and he shakes his head. "I'm-"

But Kendall holds up his hand. "Don't apologize, Logan." he says quietly. "It's only until we get your memory back. It's fine, really." Besides, he just doesn't want to talk about it right now. He just wants to focus on getting Logan home. Maybe that will jog some of his memories. "So," he says, shoving his hands in his pockets. "Are you ready to go home?"

Poor Logan looks uncertain as he nods. "As ready as I'll ever be." he says with a smile that's as fake as Kendall's. "I need a wheelchair, right?"

Before Kendall can say anything, the nurse nods. "Hospital policy that all of our patients exit the hospital in a chair." she informs both of them as if Kendall hasn't spent the last two hours asking Logan's doctor about absolutely _everything_. "Do you have one?"

Right on cue, the door opens and the others walk into the room. James, gripping a wheelchair like his life depends on it, looks expectantly at Logan.

"You're James." Logan says confidently. "You're Carlos. You're Katie. And you're. . . my mom." He tries to mask his hesitation and then tries to cover it up with another smile when he fails miserably. "I'm ready to go when you all are."

Mrs. Knight gives him a small smile. "We're all ready, Logan." she says quietly. "We'll all walk out together and then I'll bring the car around."

Logan nods and then starts to climb out of his bed. He jumps when Kendall is at his side in the next second and mumbles an apology. Even the natural feeling of having his friends, especially Kendall, attached at the hip is gone and since the day before, he's been constantly flinching away from what is now unexpected contact. "Thanks," he says, trying again to make up for unintentionally hurting all of them.

Once Kendall is sure Logan is safe and comfortable in his wheelchair, he eases it out of James' white knuckled grip and pushes it out of the room, too distracted to thank the nurse. "It'll be good to have you home, Logan." he says as they walk carefully down the halls.

"Yeah," Logan replies slowly. He pauses ands then says, "It's only been a day, right?"

Kendall is glad that Logan at least can't see their faces the way he is now. He's wondering if Carlos or Katie will break first right now. "Right," he says smoothly. "A day too long." Logan doesn't reply this time and Kendall falls silent. _It's really hard, _he thinks, _to they to help Logan remember when he doesn't know what we're talking about. _Are they going to have to show Logan around the house too? Just how much has Logan forgotten? He hasn't said one word about his late parents or school or anything. He's hardly spoken at all even when they try to get him to talk. It's like they're speaking a different language. One that he can't understand.

There's a collective sense of relief once they get out of the hospital and into the car to head home. It's quieter and more peaceful. However, the sense of awkwardness rise even higher with that peace and quiet. Carlos tries to start a few conversations, but they're still all trying to get used to the fact that Logan remembers literally nothing, and so talking about the summer they went camping by themselves or the time they won the pee wee hockey championship is pretty pointless.

Finally, they're home and as his mother pulls into the driveway, Kendall can't take his eyes off of Logan. He stares without blinking at his brother, inwardly pleading for something. Anything.

"This is home?" Logan asks.

Katie jumps out of the car and slams the car door shut, before heading off to the front door. Mrs. Knight watches her go with worried eyes and then turns to Logan. "This is home." she confirms with a watery smile. "Welcome home, Logan."

Logan doesn't move and instead continues to stare at the house. He's obviously searching in his mind for a memory of the building in front of him, but like everything else, he draws a blank. "It's a nice house." he says finally to cover-up for the silence.

"Come on, I'll show you around." Carlos says bravely. He grins in encouragement at the others, but his dark eyes are swimming in tears. "I know this house just as well as you do. I mean did. I mean-"

"It's okay, Carlos." Logan smiles gratefully at him. "That would be really cool. And who know's? It might help."

The two boys get out, and Kendall, James, and Mrs. Knight all hurry to follow. The house is quiet, Katie is obviously locked in her room, and Logan is looking around the entry way when Kendall catches up. "Anything?" he asks hopefully.

Logan looks lost and just shakes his head. "Not yet." he says optimistically.

"What about your room?" James asks. "Maybe that will help."

Logan nods and then waits. It takes them all a moment before they realize that he doesn't know where to go and that they have to show him. "Why don't you go up and I'll get something together for lunch?" Mrs. Knight suggests.

_Katie? _Kendall mouths silently.

She nods and whispers when no one else can hear, "i think she needs a little time to herself right now. She'll come out when she's ready."

His mother is right. Kendall nods and then hurries after his friends who have already taken Logan upstairs. He rejoins them just in the nick of time.

"So, am I Kendall's real brother?" Logan is asking James and Carlos as he eyes a family portrait.

"No," James answers. "Um-" he glances to Kendall for help.

"Logie, maybe we should talk about this later." Kendall says gently. "It's a lot to take in." His mind is racing. They can't talk about Logan's parents now. He hasn't had time to tell the others about his great plan. "Here," he tries. "Why don't you just look around for now?"

Carlos and James are giving him strange looks and Logan looks like he wants to protest. "Kendall," he says quietly. "I won't remember if you don't tell me."

Kendall forces a smile. "We will tell you!" he assures Logan. "Later though. Promise. Let's just take one thing at a time. For now? The house. Come on, I'll give you the grand tour."

**A/N. I would just like to say that Lauren and I both thought of Kendall's idea because we are soul mates and awesome like that. However, our idea for Kendall's idea was awesome, but that doesn't mean Kendall's idea will be awesome. If that makes sense. Anyway, I hope you all liked this chapter! I graduate from my community college tomorrow and Sunday I will be occupied by a certain television show, so the earliest that the next chapter will be up is. . . Monday haha. Sorry about that! In the meantime, I love you all and I hope you have a wonderful weekend!**


	5. Planning

**A/N. Hey, I graduated on Saturday! I'm halfway through my college career! I'm sorry I didn't update as soon as I wanted to, but things are finally settling down, and all i have to do is put some things behind me and I'll be all set for summer writing. I plan to start working on all of my other in-prorgress stories, so if you have suggestions for anything, that would be superb. Anyway, thank you all for your patience this weekend and here is chapter five!**

**Disclaimer: I don't own anything.**

"You're not serious," James says in disbelief. "Kendall, that is literally the worst idea I have ever heard in my entire life. What are you thinking?"

Kendall scowls, annoyed that James isn't the only one who isn't willing to go along with his plan. They're all looking at him like he's insane. "I am serious, James." he says in the low voice the usually warns people to back off and shut up. "I don't understand why it wouldn't work for the best. What could be wrong with it?"

"What could be wrong with it?" James repeats. "Let's see if i got this right. You want to leave Logan's dad out of everything? You don't plan on telling Logan anything about him?"

"He doesn't remember anything, James!" exclaims Kendall, failing rapidly at holding his composure together. "And I think we can all agree that it really really sucks." _That's putting it mildly _his inner voice murmurs. "But you know what? I think it also gives us a second change. Haven't you always wanted to make Logan forget about his dad? Well, he has! So, why would we remind him? Why would we let him hurt like that again? This could be our second chance!"

Mrs. Knight intervenes then before anyone else. "Kendall," she begins calmly. "It's not right. For one thing, you're toying with Logan's memories. It would be lying to him."

"it wouldn't be lying," Kendall argues stubbornly. "We just wouldn't tell him."

"That would be a lie of omission, sweetie." his mother tells him gently. "There's another reason this plan concerns me. I can understand why you would want to save Logan the pain, but what if he needs it?

Kendall shakes his head. "Why would he need it?" he asks coldly. "His dad did nothing but cause him pain. Would you want to be reminded of all that pain if you were Logan?"

"Considering it would be a huge part of my life left out, then yes!" James replies instantly. "Kendall, what else are we going to tell him anyway? He's going to ask what his real parents were like. He may not remember anything, but he's still Logan and he's still way too clever to just let anything like that go. What are you going to tell him when he starts to ask questions? You're going to have to lie to him at some point if you really plan on going through with this. There's no way that-"

"Look, we can just tell Logan that we adopted him when he was a baby and no one knew anything about his real parents!" Kendall snaps, throwing his hands up in the air. "Okay, it's a lie, fine. It's better than the alternative of breaking his heart all over again." So much for staying in control of his emotions. As long as he doesn't lose it in front of Logan, everything should be relatively fine.

If James ever shuts up. "You're such an idiot!" he says angrily. "Logan deserves to be reminded of everything, good and bad. He needs to be reminded of everything, Kendall. You can't just leave stuff out because it's unpleasant."

"Oh, is that what Ryan Mitchell is?" Kendall demands. "Just a bunch of unpleasant memories? Is Logan the only one who got hit in the head? Did you forget how much it hurt him? How much it hurt us? Remember how hard he used to try to impress him and how no matter what he did, he was completely invisible to his own dad? You weren't there the first night after we adopted him, James. He cried. I woke up to hear him crying in his sleep. I always knew things were bad, but I didn't know how bad until that night. That was when he told me for himself." Tears glisten in Kendall's eyes as he recalls the night. They had only been fourteen and he had been so lost as to what he could do. "If you were there that night. . . maybe you would understand."

"You know what, Kendall? I'd love to understand. Maybe this idea would make more sense then. But listen. Just because I wasn't there that one night, doesn't mean that I saw how much Logan was hurting over his dad. Just because I didn't see the first time he admitted how much it killed him doesn't mean that I wasn't there for all those other times." James is still angry, but he's softening now as he continues to talk about Logan. His voice breaks as he continues. "I'm not going to lie, I would love to leave Ryan Mitchell out of Logan's life. But," he adds quickly when he sees the hope that springs into Kendall's eyes. "I can't."

"Kendall,"

Kendall whirls around, barely stifling his anger as he turns to face Carlos who is speaking for the first time during this entire exchange. "What?" he says, wincing at the bite in his tone.

Carlos cringes slightly. "I think that maybe James is right," he says in a small voice. "I think that Logan needs to know about everything. Even his dad. Just. . ." he holds up his hands, trying to ward of an angry protest. "Just think about it for a minute. If you were Logan-"

"Carlos, right now, I wish that I could forget about Logan's pain and I'm not even Logan!" Kendall interrupts. "I wish I could be oblivious to the pain that he went through. I don't-" he stops as his voice suddenly catches. "I don't know if I can watch him suffer like that again."

"I agree with Kendall." Everyone turns and looks at Katie who hasn't said a word since they've arrived home. She's sitting on the steps and watching them argue, tears standing still in her huge brown eyes. Now she stands and goes over to Kendall, who instantly wraps an arm around her and pulls her close. "Logan isn't hurting right now," she says shakily. "So why would we want to make him hurt? It wouldn't just be his dad hurting him this time. It would be us too, because we would be the ones reminding him."

"Katie. . . Kendall-"

"Please, Mom." Kendall breaks in. "Just let us try. Let us try to save Logan."

* * *

"Logan?" Kendall takes a deep breath and knocks on the open door before walking into Logan's room. Upon seeing his brother seated at his desk and browsing through a heavy medical book, he smiles slightly. It's almost as if nothing is wrong.

Logan looks up from the book and offers Kendall a hesitant smile. "Hi, Kendall." he replies. The doctor has told all of them that the repetition of everyone's name might help his memory, so of course, they do it as often as possible. He lays aside the book and looks expectantly at him. "So, what's up?"

As always, Logan is eager to learn. Kendall gives himself a mental shake to get his bearings together and sits down on the bed across from Logan. "I was thinking we could look through a few pictures." he suggests. "The doctor doesn't want you to rush into everything all at once, so I thought we could sort of ease into things. What do you think?" He shows Logan the item he brought with him: a small photo album. "Want to give it a try?"

In answer, Logan carefully slides the photo album out of Kendall's grasp and turns it over in his own hands, studying it intently. "What if I don't remember anything?" he asks in a frightened whisper. He glances over at Kendall, brown eyes wide in fear and worry. "I don't want to upset you again and besides. . . it scares me that I don't remember anything."

Kendall reaches over and lays a hand on Logan's arm, sighing in relief when he doesn't pull away. "Logie," he says quietly. "It upsets me so much because you're my best friend and my brother. I love you and it scares me that. . . you can't remember anything and that I might not be able to help you. We all feel that way. But listen, buddy. We aren't going to give up, okay? I promise that we're going to do everything possible to bring your memories back to you. Whatever it takes, Logan."

"But what if nothing helps?" Logan insists. "What if they never come back, Kendall?"

That's the last thing he wants to think of right now. It's the last thing he wants to think of ever wants to think of. Kendall takes a deep breath, running a hand through his hair. "Then we'll start all over again, Logan." he finally says, helpless to be more reassuring. Aren't they sort of doing that anyway? "We'll make new memories together," he continues, now able to force a smile. "You, me, James, and Carlos. Mom and Katie. All of us, Logan. We'll be okay, you'll see."

Logan stares straight at him and says, "Do you really believe that?"

He's scared, Kendall realizes. Of course, he's always known that Logan has been frightened, but now the impact is truly hitting him. He's terrified and he doesn't know Kendall enough to trust him, so that only increases his levels of fear and uncertainty. Kendall takes a deep breath and nods. "I do." he says with another smile. "You'll see, Logan."

Logan watches him closely for a while and then nods. "Okay," he says, returning Kendall's smile. "Let's look at the pictures then."

James and Carlos walk in at that point, keeping their record of perfect timing. Kendall grins when he sees them, glad that he was able to convince everyone to hold off on telling Logan about his dad as much as they possibly could. If they were careful, they could skip Ryan Mitchell all together. It's clear that Kendall and Katie are the only ones who are totally convinced of this, but the others will see with time, Kendall is sure of it. "Hey, guys, you're just in time." he says now, indicating to the photo album in Logan's hands. "We were just going to look at some pictures."

"What about um, Mom and Katie?" Logan asks. "Should they be here to, or. . ." he trails off and falls silent as he opens the book, turning to the first page slowly. It's from when they were seven and Katie was one. The four of them are all seated around the toddler, excited grins on their faces. All of them are holding their arms out and calling to Katie who is standing unsteadily on her feet. They all want her to go to them, but it's Kendall that she's clearly intent on getting to.

Kendall stares at the picture over Logan's shoulder and tries to think of something to say. But the picture reminds him of Katie and how worried he is about her. As tough as she tries to be, she's still only eleven. A little girl, really. What is it like to have one of her big brothers treat her like a complete stranger by shying away from her attempts at an embrace or forgetting her name. He called her Kaylee the other day. . .

"We're seven here." Carlos takes over for the uncharacteristically silent Kendall. "And Katie is about one. She was just learning to walk."

"She's going to Kendall," Logan remarks, then glances over at Kendall.

Carlos smiles. "Yeah, that's because he's Kendall."

Logan gives him a quick smile back and then shakes his head with a sigh. "I don't. . . nothing." he admits. "I've got nothing."

Carlos' smile wavers and he looks at Kendall who is still staring at the picture thoughtfully. James is still silent. There's a certain tension between the two older boys that even has Logan glancing back and forth curiously. "Well, it's just the first picture, right?"

But it isn't just the first picture. It's the second picture of them where they're swimming in the pond. It's the third picture of them where they're celebrating James' ninth birthday. It's the fourth picture of them where they're celebrating their hockey championship when they're eleven. It's the fifth and the sixth and the seventh. It's the twelfth and the twentieth. It's the whole album of memories that the other boys can remember as easily as if it happened yesterday. They bring nothing to Logan who only gets more and more frustrated with each turn of the page.

"It's not helping!" he cries out in frustration, slamming the album shut and shoving it back into Kendall's hands. "Nothing is helping, I don't recognize any of it!"

"Okay, okay." Carlos says soothingly. "Just. . . just take a break, Logan. Kendall?"

Kendall sighs wearily and rubs at his aching forehead. "Carlos is right, Logan." he tells him. "Your doctor didn't want you to go through too much right away. And he didn't want you to get frustrated either. You're supposed to be taking it easy."

"I know, but. . ." Logan bites his lip. "I want to remember now." he tells them, eyes filling with tears.

James moves for the first time, setting his hand on Logan's shoulder. "Logie," he says gently. "You will. It's just going to take some time." He smiles a little bit. "When you helped me with my homework, you always told me that the harder we worked for things, the greater the reward will be. And you already know that we've all promised to help you as much as possible. We'll do it just like we've done everything. Together."

Kendall nods in agreement, but the tension between himself and James doesn't ease one bit. He can see Carlos looking at both of them in worry and he can sense Logan's confusion. This isn't going to be as easy as he hoped.

**A/N. Things will start picking up after this chapter. They'll start taking Logan places, re-introducing him to people, the rest of the hockey team will make an appearance, there will be flashbacks. . . fun stuff like that. Also, shout-out to my soulmate Lauren who is China. I loooove you. Thank you all for reading and I hope you all have a wonderful rest of the week. I'll try to update something soon!**


	6. School

**A/N. Two chapters in two days! Hopefully I can keep this up. :) Thank you so much to everyone who has read, reviewed, favorites, and/or alerted. Your support is what inspires and encourages me to keep writing. I hope you like this chapter! If you have any ideas, I'd love to hear just, so just let me know! Thank you again!**

**Disclaimer: I don't own anything.**

Carlos is up and ready for the day even before the sun has finished brightening the sky. He greets his surprised parents with a cheerful smile and ignores the concern they have for him. Nothing can bring him down today. Today is the day they're going to get Logan's memory back.

"I've never been so glad to be going to school." he laughs as he finishes the sausage and eggs his mother has made for him. "And it's summer too!"

"Carlos," his father says slowly, staring at Carlos with a guarded expression on his face. "you do know that this might not work, right?"

Carlos feels his smile start to slip from his face and his shoulders tense up. "Why wouldn't it work?" he asks, harsher than he means to. "It's school, Dad. Logan loved- loves everything to do with school. Of course he'll remember. It'd be like Kendall going to the hockey rink."

His father frowns and reaches across the table to touch his arm, but Carlos jerks away. "Tell me," he whispers. "why don't you think it'll work?"

"Carlos, I didn't say that I thought it wouldn't work." says his dad with far more patience than he deserves. "I'm just concerned that you might have a little too much faith in it. Of course Logan can remember and I think it's a very good idea. I just don't want you to get your hopes up too high."

Carlos is confused. Usually his dad understands him and relates to him. They see eye to eye on practically everything. It's been that way ever since he can remember. "Get my hopes up too high?" he finally repeats questioningly.

Reluctantly, his dad nods. "Carlos, I believe that Logan will start to get his memories back." he tells him gently. "But I think it's gong to take a little time. One day visiting school isn't going to be enough to bring back a lifetime of memories. It might not even seem to do anything right away. I don't know anything about the way the human brain works apart from what I learned when I was in high school. And even then I forget most of it. But I imagine that when it gets injured, it heals, like everything else, over time."

It hurts so bad to know deep down that his dad is right. Carlos wants to believe in the biggest of miracles: that they'll take Logan to school, tell him a few stories, meet up with some of the teachers, and Logan will come back remembering everything. He'd maybe be able to do that if his dad would help him.

"I guess we'll find out then." he says lightly, shoving his chair back and standing up. He collects his breakfast dish and forces a smile. "Thanks for breakfast, Mom."

She hasn't said anything during the entire conversation between her husband and son. When she smiles back, her eyes are dark with worry. "Tell everyone we said hi," she tells him. "and let us know how it goes too."

Carlos glances at his father and then, overwhelmed by the compassion he sees, looks toward the door. His parents aren't sage right now. If he keeps looking at them, he'll break and that can't happen right now. "I will." he promises. "I'll see you tonight. Love you both."

"We love you too, Carlos." his dad replies, his tone loving and apologetic all at the same time. There's no need for him to be sorry though. He only told Carlos what he needed to be told. It's not his fault that it hurt to hear.

Carlos has never been so relieved to be out of his house. His parents' worry is stifling, making it even harder to deal with what is already the worst experience in Carlos' life. It's impossible to ignore, but there are still times when Carlos can convince himself that everything will turn out all right in the end. When he's by himself and he doesn't have to see the shadow of doubt cross the faces of everyone else.

They all live within a mile of one another. Carlos meets up with James and together they walk to the Knight home. Neither of them mention what is in the other direction. If Kendall's plan works, they won't ever have to acknowledge Logan's old home again. To make is as easy as possible, Carlos and James don't say one word to each other as they walk. The complete silence is unfamiliar and unnerving, but Carlos knows that James feels the same way as he does: Pretend the problem doesn't exist and they won't have to deal with it until it's right in front of them.

Kendall and Logan are waiting outside for them when they arrive. Logan greets them with a vague, distant smile. "Hey, Carlos. James."

When will he stop addressing them like perfect strangers? Carlos shakes the question away and grins back. "Hey, Logie! Ready to go to school?"

"I'm not." James groans, a bit theatrically, and Carlos remembers that they're supposed to be acting as normal as possible. The Carlos that Logan needs to know does not like school.

"I guess I am." Logan replies, looking nervous. "Kendall said some of the teachers will be there?" he glances over his shoulder where Kendall is standing.

"Just a few." Kendall replies with a tight smile. He looks exhausted, Carlos thinks. He wouldn't be surprised to find that the older boy was up half the night planning the day. Now, he stands and flips his set of car keys around. "Let's get going."

As they drive, Kendall talks. He points out various sights and homes of people they know. He tells Logan about all of these places, looking over at his brother every other sentence to see if anything sparks a light in Logan's blank stare. Nothing. Logan is interested, but he can only repeatedly shake his head in answer to the hopeful looks he gets from the other three boys.

"Don't worry." James tells him comfortingly. "You probably just need to experience it. Kind of like seeing a movie again that you haven't seen in a long time." He shrugs and grins slightly. "Maybe."

Logan smiles back a little shyly. "It makes sense to me." he told James quietly.

Kendall hasn't said anything and Carlos can tell by the way that he's gripping the steering wheel that there are still unspoken issues between him and James. So much for them doing this together.

"Here we are!" Kendall finally announces, sounding both relieved and tense at the same time. He pulls into the near empty parking lot and turns the engine off before risking a glance at Logan. "Nothing?" he guesses in a disappointed voice. By now, it's pretty easy to tell if Logan recognizes anything or not.

"Maybe when we get inside." Logan suggests as he gets out of the car. He eyes the tall building closely, but doesn't say anything else. He's just waiting for them now.

It's weird seeing the school so empty. Their footsteps echo in the hallway, alerting the principal of the school. Mr. Rivers opens the door of his office and greets them with a smile. "Come in, boys." he says warmly, waving them towards him. "I have some things you might want to look at before you go any further."

Carlos can't help but feel nervous when the door closes behind them. He's used to going to the office when he's in trouble and today it feels strange. He catches James staring at him with a knowing, crooked grin, and he smiles back before focusing on Principal Rivers.

"Logan." the middle aged man says, looking at Logan in concern. "How are you?"

"I'm doing all right, I guess." Logan replies politely. "I mean, I don't. . . remember. . . anything really. I know you're the principal, but only because of. . . well. . ." he gestures to the nameplate on the man's desk.

Principal Rivers gives a short nod, trying to hide the alarm that springs to his eyes. "I see." he murmurs, working his lips up into a smile. "Well, hopefully we'll be able to help you a little with that."

Straightening up, he pulls open his desk drawer and hands Logan a small stack of papers. "Since it's the summer, I haven't been in my office for a few weeks as you can probably see for yourselves." He gestures around the nearly empty room. "However, when your mother called, Logan, I managed to dig up a few things that might get you started.

Carlos leans over to see the papers. There's a map of the school that every new student gets, a list of the teachers' names, and even a list of honor students where of course Logan's name is at the very top.

"I understand you have several prearranged meetings with Logan's teachers?" Principal Rivers asks, looking to Kendall.

Kendall nods. "Yes, sir." he says clearly. "Mrs. Cambridge and Mr. Williams. Advanced Physics and English Lit."

"Oh yes, of course." Mr. Rivers nods. "I believe they're both in their respective classrooms waiting. Would you like me to accompany you?"

"No thank you." Kendall says smoothly. He stands up and gives the principal another polite, false smile. "I think we're all set. Thanks so much for your help."

"Thank you." Logan echoes.

Mr. Rivers stands up to show them out. "Of course, boys. Please let me know if there's anything I can do." He looks at Logan. "I hope you recover soon, Logan."

"Thank you, sir." Logan says again. "Me too."

It honestly creeps Carlos out how completely abandoned everything seems. It's almost as if the building has been empty for years instead of a few weeks. He glances at each of his friends to gauge their reactions. James is seemingly fascinated with the floor, Kendall almost runs into a wall because he's staring at Logan, and Logan. . . Logan just looks lost. Carlos sighs and follows his friends down the halls of the "ghost school" until they reach Mrs. Anne Cambridge's Advanced Physicals classroom. _This is it _he thinks to himself. _Please please please let this work. Let something work today. _They need something to hold onto.

Mrs. Cambridge is in her late sixties, but for as long as Carlos can remember, she's moved and acted like she's still a teenager. Even before Kendall can knock on the door, she's there to swing it open for them, chanting, "Come in! Come in!" As soon as Logan walks through the door, she has him by the arm and is pulling him to her desk. Kendall looks like he's one step away from acting like a father who is watching a mad woman drag his kid away from him. "Now!" she announces, sitting Logan in a chair and letting Kendall breathe again. "Logan."

"Ma'am?" Logan questions, looking freaked out.

"Logan!" she shrieks back, literally wringing her hands together. She actually looks insane and Carlos knows that it isn't just him when James glances nervously at the door and Kendall places a hand on Logan's shoulder. "Logan, do you know me?" she demands now. "Do you recognize me at all?"

"Mrs. Cambridge!" Kendall finally intervenes. "Logan needs to breathe"

Eyes wide behind a thick pair of glasses, the teacher nods. "Yes, yes, of course" she exclaims, smoothing her gray hair a bit. "My apologies, Kenneth. It's only that your brother has been my star student and a favorite subject of conversation in the teacher's lounge. What a brilliant mind at such a young age. Logan, can you remember what I taught you? Anything at all? Do you remember what-"

Logan stands up and eases himself behind James who towers over the tiny Mrs. Cambridge. "I don't remember anything," he murmurs quietly. "And I can hardly concentrate with you going on like that."

Mrs. Cambridge gasps and Carlos isn't surprised. Though he doesn't blame Logan for what he said, it's still completely out of character for him. Then again, how can he act like they all remember him when he doesn't remember himself? Carlos can't begin to imagine how overwhelming all of this is for Logan.

"Look," Kendall says in exasperation, his patience beginning to fray. "Mrs. Cambridge, we came here hoping you could help us. Logan- Logan has amnesia. He doesn't remember anyone right now. . . not even us." he waves a limp arm around to gesture to himself, James and Carlos. "School was- or has always been one of Logan's favorite places. He's a genius, we all know that. We were thinking that since he spent so much time here and. . . and even enjoyed himself, that he might remember something. . . or someone. You taught one of his favorite classes, so. . ." he looks at Logan and shrugs. "I don't think it's helped at all though."

Logan is as blank as ever, but somehow Carlos is pretty sure that the neurotic woman in front of them hasn't helped one bit. Who could possibly concentrate on anything with her around? How does she teach? He wants to ask Logan if she's always like this, but then he realizes that Logan won't remember. What he does know however, is that she isn't helping one bit. She's seriously stressing Logan out and that's the last thing any of them need right now. It's time to move on.

Obviously, Kendall has the same idea. He has Logan by the arm and is tugging him gently, but firmly away from the teacher. "I think we need to go." he says slowly. "Thanks, Mrs. Cambridge."

Once they're outside her classroom, Logan shakes free of Kendall's grasp and lets out a breath. "Is she always like that?" Instantly, he's aware of his mistake. "I mean- I'm sure she is. . ."

"It's fine, Logan," Kendall says wearily. "Do you want to go see Mr. Williams or head home?"

Carlos glances at Kendall in shock. Is he giving up already? But no, he can't be. He's just concerned about Logan after the mishap with Mrs. Cambridge. He doesn't want it to happen again. "Mr. Williams is more normal," Carlos reminds them all now, but stops when he realizes that no one is listening to him. He can't be bothered when he knows why.

Logan, not hearing Kendall's question, started walking off by himself, straight to where Mr. Williams' room is. He takes a few steps and then freezes, whirling around to look at the others. His face is white in shock. "I know where it is." he whispers. "I know exactly where to go."

He knows where the classroom is. It seems like such a small thing, but he knows. He remembers. Before Carlos can react, James whoops and grabs Logan in a fierce hug. "You remember!" he shouts loudly. "Logan, you remember something!"

They all try to ignore the way Logan jumps at the intensity of James' hug and then almost instantly tries to back out of it. He looks shaken, whether from the hug or the small memory, it's impossible to tell. "Logan, are you okay?" Kendall asks him in concern. "Do you need to sit down?"

But Logan is already continuing the walk to his English Lit class. For the first time since before the accident, there's a light in his eyes and a spring in his step. He looks hopeful. They don't dare to try and stop him, but follow him silently. This already means something so important and it might lead to something even bigger.

"Hi, Logan. Boys." Mr. Williams is the same age as Carlos' dad and the complete opposite of Mrs. Cambridge, He's calm and quiet, looking only concerned for Logan's well-being as he shows them into his classroom. "How are you feeling, Logan?"

"Okay." Logan nods. "I remembered how to get here!"

Mr. Williams' face brightens. "That's fantastic, Logan! Anything else?" They all shake their heads. "Well, we have all the time in the world. Come sit down for a little while. How can I help you?"

Logan looks at the others and shrugs, "Maybe tell me about myself?" he says with a slight grin. "What kind of student am I?"

"The best I've ever had." Mr. Williams replies right away. "I haven't been around for as long as the other teachers have, but they all say the same thing. You've been a blessing to have in all of our classes." He glances at the other boys. "Do you remember what you want to be once you get out of school?"

"A doctor!" Logan says instantly and his face lights up. "I remember that too!"

"I knew coming here would help!" Carlos cheers. "You're remembering, Logan! You're really remembering!" He turns to James and Kendall excitedly. "I knew coming here would help, I just knew it!"

"Logan, what do you remember about your dream to be a doctor?" Kendall asks quietly. He looks as hopeful as they all do, but he's restraining himself.

This time, Logan is back to shaking his head. "Nothing, really." he admits in a heavy voice. "Only that I want to be a doctor." He looks expectantly up at them. "Why?"

Mr. Williams starts to speak up before anyone else can. "You told me once that you inherited your intelligence from your father."

"My father?" Logan repeats in a question. He looks at his friends. "Is that true?"

Carlos stares from James to Kendall. James looks partially relieved and Kendall looks horrified. This isn't going to end well.

Kendall's eyes are dark with anger. "We have to go." he says tightly. "It's been a long day for Logan. Come on, guys. Let's go."

"Is something wrong?" Mr. Williams asks in concern. Clearly he's confused and taken aback by Kendall's outburst, especially since Logan is beginning to recall bits and pieces of his life. "Logan did tell me that his dad was a lawyer. He said that-"

"Thanks, Mr. Williams." Kendall interrupts again. "We really have to go though. I just remembered that _our mom _wanted us home in time for lunch. _Our grandmother _is supposed to be stopping by."

Logan stares at him, distracted and interested. Buying into Kendall's lie easily. "We have a grandmother?" he asks him.

Kendall nods, and it's without the slightest bit of hesitation that scares Carlos. Kendall is lying to Logan as naturally as he is breathing. It isn't Kendall. Did they lose two of their friends that day at the rink? Carlos glances over at James and frowns in worry. A shiver of fear runs down his spine when he sees the blind fury in his friend's eyes. He recognizes none of his friends right now and it absolutely terrifies him. Because without his friends, Carlos doesn't even know who he is.

**A/N. I'll start working on the next chapter as soon as possible. I have the story outlined now, so even though I never stick with outlines (i ALWAYS change things haha), at least I know where I'm going. I hope you liked this chapter! Have a wonderful rest of the week! :D I love you all xoxoxoxo.**


	7. Splinter

**A/N. Hey, guys! I don't have anything to say so I won't bore you. :)**

**Disclaimer: I don't own anything.**

"Your grandmother isn't coming over today." James says as soon as they step outside. "Your grandparents live in Kansas for crying out loud."

Kendall turns around to glare at him, seething with anger, and shaking from that close call with Mr. Williams. "My mom wants us home for lunch anyway." he says evenly. "Are you and Carlos joining us, or?"

He stops and lets the question hang in the air. It's no surprise to him when neither of them answer right away. James is too angry at him to think straight and Carlos looks upset.

Looking at his younger friend, Kendall feels the fight begin to drain out of him. "I'm sorry." he says quietly, looking over to the car where Logan is waiting patiently. "I just- we agreed to try this, James. You know that. You too, James."

Carlos opens his mouth to say something, but James jumps in before he can speak. "I did, and you know what, Kendall? I regret it. Did you see Logan back there? Did you hear him? He was remembering and it was because of his dad."

"It was because he loves school!" Kendall snaps back, barely remembering to keep his voice low enough so Logan won't hear him.

As if on cue, Carlos begins to ease away from them. "I'm going to go wait with Logan." he says quietly. That's all he says. Then he walks over to the car.

"Way to go." James mutters, rolling his eyes. "Carlos isn't upset enough."

"So it's my fault?" Kendall demands in disbelief. "Listen, James. Logan didn't remember his dad, he remembered how to get to Mr. Williams' class and that he wants to be a doctor. It has nothing to do with his father. You're kidding yourself if you actually think that. Second, you're the one who's making a big deal out of this. Carlos would be fine if-"

"Do you really think he'd be fine?" James interrupts with a short laugh. "I mean, don't get me wrong, I know we're making it worse, but even without our fighting, do you think Carlos would be okay, Kendall? Because I don't."

James is right about that at least. Kendall feels his shoulders slump in defeat. "I know." he admits with a heavy sigh as he runs his hand through his hair. "And I- I don't have a clue what to do." He hates saying it out loud. He knows that everyone, including James, is aware that he is just as helpless as the rest of them. But to say it makes it so much more real. "There's nothing I can do." he finally says, feeling the weight on his heart grow even heavier.

James is quiet for a long, long time. When Kendall looks up at him, he has tears in his eyes. "I know." he says quietly. "We're all the same this time, Kendall. We all want to do the same thing, but we're all just as helpless as you are." He smiles bitterly. "We're equal for once."

Kendall's throat aches. "James-" he begins.

"Kendall," James says shakily. "If you're going to tell me that we're all on equal ground with you where Logan is concerned, save your breath. There's nothing you can say to convince me otherwise. We all love Logan equally and we all want him to be safe and happy and-" he shrugs. "That's how all of us feel about each other. You know that. But you and Logan have this connection and I'd have to be blind to miss it. I don't know exactly how or why, but I do know that a lot of the reasoning has to do with your dads. Your parents got divorced and Logan's dad kept him alive but not much else. You could relate to him better than Carlos or I could. He let you in more than anyone else because whether he said anything or not. . . you still knew."

At first, Kendall has no idea what to say. Just a minute ago he was ready to punch James in his face, but now. . . Everything James is saying is one hundred percent true. It's true and it hurts Kendall so bad. It hurts him because he knows that James and Carlos must have always felt sort of left out and it hurts because he misses that connection with Logan like crazy. He feels incomplete without it. Without him. "James, you and Carlos are just as important to me as Logan is. I love you both just as much as I love him. You know that, right?"

"Of course." James gives him a lopsided smile. "I'm not that stupid, Kendall. But it's different with Logan. Logan needs someone who knows kind of what he's dealing with. He needs someone to take care of him like his dad didn't. As soon as your dad walked out that door, you stepped up and became the man of your house. It makes complete sense that you would try to fix what Logan's dad broke. It also makes complete sense that you'd be able to help him more than anyone else because of all this."

"I don't-"

"Let me finish." James says, holding up his hands. "Because right now I'm saying all the right stuff, but I'm going to say some different stuff now and you might go back to hating me and wanting to punch me." He swallows hard and licks his lips nervously. "Kendall, it's because of his connection with you that Logan needs to know about his dad. You were the one who was able to see how loved he was to all of us and that he was worth it after his dad made him feel worthless. It's like," he pauses, fighting for the right words. "Do you remember winning a regular season game or a playoff game more?"

"A playoff game." Kendall answers instantly, not liking at the sudden turn this conversation is taking.

"Okay, so why?" James asks him. "Because it's a bigger deal, right? It's a stronger emotion. I'm no psychologist, Kendall, but-"

"You're right." Kendall interrupts. He watches the hope leap into James' eyes and hates himself for it and what he's about to do.

"Really?" James looks like he's about to fall over in relief. "Kendall-"

"You're right, James." Kendall repeats. "You are no psychologist." He glances over at Carlos and Logan who are looking uncomfortable in the summer heat. "This conversation is over, James. We're going home. If you want to come with us, then get it the car and keep your mouth shut."

James stares at him, his expression wiped clean of any emotions. He's hardly even blinking and it looks like breathing is a struggle for him. This is what he gets like before he explodes in anger. Kendall is bracing himself for whatever might happen, when James simply turns around and walks off in the opposite direction. At first, Kendall's jaw drops and out of the corner of his eye, he can see Carlos move like he wants to go after James. But then they're al back to standing like players in a game of freeze tag, unwilling to move for fear of losing.

_Fine. _Kendal thinks. Let James be absolutely impossible. He tears his gaze away from his friend's friends back and starts walking towards Carlos and Logan. James was right. Kendall does know Logan better than anyone else put together. But that means he knows that Logan doesn't need to be reminded about his dad. Kendall is right. There is no alternative.

"What happened to James?" Logan asks curiously when Kendall joins him and Carlos.

Kendall smiles tightly. "He had to go home." he says. "He wanted to walk."

Logan doesn't say anything and when Kendall looks bak at him, it's obvious that James is far from his mind. That's another thing that's been worrying Kendall. Logan is easily distracted and doesn't concentrate nearly as well as he used to. It happened in the school too with Mr. Williams when the teacher mentioned his dad and Kendall changed the subject. It worked better than he though it would, but he's not sure if he's happy about it. He's really worried. Because if Logan's memory comes back, will he be able to keep it? Will he remember anything from this trip tomorrow? Kendall knows that they have to take it one day at a time, but he's never been so afraid of the future.

* * *

So far the afternoon hasn't gone well. After a quick lunch at home, Logan insisted that they keep going, determined to keep remembering. Ignoring Carlos' suggestion that they call James to see if he wanted to rejoin them, Kendall gave into Logan and drove over to the mall, this time with Katie and their mom. It was weird at first, being without James, but Kendall quickly became distracted by Logan and since then. . .

Well, since then they haven't had much luck. Any luck at all, actually. Logan has had no memory of anywhere they've been or anyone they've met. He's beyond frustrated and exhausted. "I don't get it." he says, shaking his head. "I thought earlier today that things were going to come together and work out. I thought I was going to keep remembering. I knew it wouldn't all come back, but. . . I thought more would-"

"Logan, you're tired, sweetie." his mother gently reminds him. "You've had a long day and you're taking in a lot. Maybe you just need to go home and take a little break."

Logan surprises them all by laughing wildly. "You mean relax?" he asks weakly. "Tell me though, how do I relax? Because I sure don't remember. Apparently, I like reading huge medical textbooks because that is all that's in my room. Apparently, I want to be a doctor because that's what my teacher told me. I only know things about myself because of what people have told me or because what I've seen. I don't remember anything for myself."

"Didn't you remember where to go in school?" Katie asks quietly.

But Logan only snorts in disgust. "Yeah, big deal." he says bitterly. "Like that's going to do me any good."

Katie stares at him with wide eyes. Logan has never snapped at her. He's never even come close before until now. At first, her eyes fill with tears and Kendall has no idea what to do because his baby sister looks like she's about to cry and really, Logan is the one who made her cry. But Logan isn't really Logan and he's upset and Kendall doesn't blame him for being upset. The jumbled thoughts are still racing through his head when Katie clears her throat and says, "Well, at least it's something. Every little bit helps, right?"

_"Every little bit helps." _It's something that Logan has said so many times that Kendall practically hears it in his voice instead of Katie's. And for an instant, he thinks he might have seen something in Logan's face. . . familiarity? But it dies quicker than it appears and Kendall is left wondering if he simply imagined it. Left with the obvious problem of Logan exhausted beyond reason and Katie ready to cry, he looks at his mother who nods in silent agreement.

"All right," she says, standing up. "I think it's time that we head home. Logan, you can decide for yourself what you want to do when we get there. Just because you don't remember anything, does not mean that we dictate your life or that you have to snap at everyone. I know you're tired and confused and scared. We are too and even though you're feeling it a thousand times more than the rest of us put together, that gives you no reason to take everything out on us. You're going to have to let us help you."

Kendall opens his mouth to protest, but she turns to him as well. "This isn't going to work out if we treat him like a stranger." she says in a voice that only trembles a little bit.

"But I feel like a stranger!" Logan says in a loud voice that makes Kate and Carlos jump. "I don't remember any of you at all! All of these stories you keep telling me? They sound so great, but all I feel is jealousy that you have these memories and I don't. And it's frustrating because every single time you ask me something, I have to say no. I have to disappoint you all over again and it doesn't get any easier, it gets worse. It gets harder. " Logan is talking faster, and becoming more unhinged by the second. His voice is rising, attracting the attention of onlookers. They have to leave.

Logan sits in the back of the car, in a sullen silence. He doesn't even look at them, not once. Kendall can tell from the way he's pressed close to his door, that he's ashamed by his outburst and is trying to avoid them. Of course, this is unlike him, but since Logan doesn't exactly know them, he's afraid. He's afraid of apologizing and being rejected. Kendall sighs and looks over at his mother. She looks older and more tired than he's ever seen her. She was right of course to reprimand Logan back at the mall, but how does she do it? Deep down, Kendall knows that he has to treat Logan as close to normal as possible. Obviously, they can't pretend that everything is okay, but he has to stop. . . babying him.

He's babying Logan. Even though Logan has his stupid amnesia, he's not completely helpless. He just needs some direction. Okay, a lot of direction. And so far, it's been easier said than done. It's also gotten worse instead of better as the day has worn on. They've lost James, Logan snapped at Katie, they're all about to lose their minds. . . something has to give here.

And it does.

They arrive back home and Logan has his hand on the door handle, ready to escape even before the car is turned off. He stops though and looks over at Katie. "I'm really sorry about earlier." he says quietly. "You were right and I was wrong. All of you were right and I was wrong. I need to stop letting my amnesia hold me back from getting better. It sounds weird, I know, but I can't remember and that scares me. I want to trust you, but it's like I don't know you to trust you. Still . . . you haven't give me any reason to not believe in you."

Mrs. Knight offers him a small smile. "I promise you can trust us, Logan. You'll see that for yourself soon, I hope."

Logan smiles back, but it doesn't reach his shadowed eyes. "Yeah." he whispers. "I hope so too."

He gets out then and for once, Kendall doesn't follow right behind him. He watches him go, wondering why he said he believed in them when he sounds like he's ready to surrender.

**A/N. Shout out to onehotgreasymechanic on Tumblr for encouraging me to finish this! I love you all and hope that you have a wonderful weekend! I'll start working on chapter right now. :**


	8. Rink

**A/N. I'm going to apologize right away for how bad this chapter is. Because of personal reasons, I'll be taking a break from Fan Fiction. It's nothing serious, but I can't concentrate on my writing as much as I should. I think that's been obvious from the lack of quality lately. I'm really sorry, guys. I'll be writing, but not posting. Hopefully when I come back, things will be better. In the meantime. . .**

**Disclaimer: I don't own anything.**

It's been three days since they've seen James and Kendall isn't sure what to make of it. He doesn't really want to see his friend after the argument they had, but he's furious that James isn't coming around to see Logan either. And, if he's being perfectly honest, he's worried about James too.

Yes, he's incredibly stubborn and clashes often with Kendall. Yes, this is easily the worst fight they've ever had. But Kendall still cares. James is far too passionate to handle things by himself. He flies higher and falls harder than anyone Kendall has ever known. He knows that despite his absence, James still cares about Logan as much as everyone else he knows that the whole amnesia thing is messing him up like the rest of them. So where is he?

He pulls himself from those thoughts and glances around the room. They're watching some old home videos and Logan is staring so intently at the television screen that it looks like he's bring hypnotized. Everyone else is watching him.

It's from Kendall's ninth birthday. He received new roller blades that year, so they're all in the driveway playing hockey. Playing might be a bit of a stretch, Kendall acknowledges with a smile. Mostly it's a four man battle for the hockey ball. There's one goal, the garage door, and between all of them, there's probably been a hundred goals scored already.

Kendall looks back at Logan, recognizing the look on his face. It's not very encouraging. Logan isn't watching the video as one who remembers, but simply as one who is observing. It's similar to the look he used to get when he was studying for a test. Is that all they are to him right now?

Suddenly, the doorbell rings and before anyone else can react, Katie jumps up to get it. Kendall sighs as he watches her go. She's been so quiet lately. Way too quiet if you ask even Logan who stares after her now as well. That, Kendall supposes, might be some consolation. Whether he realizes it or not, Logan knows deep down that Katie is acting differently. He just doesn't know enough to put his finger on it.

Voices interrupt the video and Kendall looks to to see the entire hockey team crowded into the small living room. "Guys!" he exclaims, quickly getting to his feet. "What are you doing here?"

Chris gives him a strange sort of grin, like he's uncertain of why they're there themselves. "We missed Logan." he says uncomfortably. "James stopped by the rink yesterday and asked us if-"

"James?" The whole hockey team really is there. James included. Kendall quickly smooths over the confused look on his face and nods. "Yeah, sorry about that." he tells them all. "I've been meaning to have you all over, but things have been pretty crazy around here."

They don't believe him. But Chris merely shrugs his shoulders and then turns to Logan. "Hey, Logan!" he says cheerfully. "What's up?"

Logan stares back at him without blinking. "Um, hi?"

It could not possibly be more awkward. Kendall intervenes. "Logan, this is the rest of the hockey team. Chris, Jason, Drew, Matt, Jack, Tyler."

Logan nods slowly, looking carefully at each face as Kendall introduces him. "We played hockey together." he says, like he doesn't know if it should be a question or a statement. "Um, have I known you as long as James, Carlos, and Kendall?"

Chris is the only one able to answer. The others are still recovering from the shock of how bad things are. He laughs a little and shakes his head. "No, way you guys go way back." he says admiringly. "Drew and Jack are the only ones who've lived in Minnesota as long as you have. The rest of us have moved here over the years."

"Really?" Logan asks in interest. "Where are you all from?"

"Jason is from Maine, Tyler is from Boston, Matt is from Michigan, and I'm from all over. My dad was in the military and retired a few years ago." Once again, Chris is handling the situation with ease and for a moment, Kendall regrets not having the team over earlier.

Then James ruins it. "So," he says, clapping his hands together to get attention. "ready to go to the rink?"

It's almost as if the temperature in the room drops. Kendall turns and stares. "The rink?" he asks, too shocked to be angry for the moment.

James is completely unfazed. He's the only one. "Yeah." he says like it's the most obvious thing in the world. "Logan spent most of his time at school or one of our houses or the rink."

It's true, but it's also the reason Kendall hasn't had the team over. The rink is where this whole nightmare started and he's not sure how it will go over with any of them. He sure doesn't want to go back there. "I'm not so sure that's a great idea." he tells all of them, looking at James and trying to get through to him.

"Why not?" Logan asks, surprising them all with his voice. "I've been there a lot, right? What I want to know is why haven't we been there before?"

"Kendall is afraid." James blurts out, making Kendall want to punch him. Of course, that might not be the best idea with everyone around.

"I'm not afraid." he argues.

James rolls his eyes, but when he speaks, his voice is strangely gentle. "We all are." he says to Logan. "That's where you got hurt. But still. . . it's a part of you. Just like school and home and our houses."

"James is right, Kendall." says Kendall's mother, her voice strained and stressed. "I think you should go. Maybe not for too long, but just a quick visit. And certainly no hockey."

"Yes!" Carlos cheers. He at least, isn't bothered at all by what they're about to do. He seems thrilled about it actually. At least someone can enjoy it.

Katie has disappeared, probably to her room. "You boys go." Mrs. Knight tells them as she stands too. "Katie and I will stay behind."

Logan stands up and looks expectantly at Kendall. "Ready?" he asks, a hopeful tone in his voice. "This might help me, Kendall."

Kendall sighs. "Okay." he relents, even though it's not really his decision to make. It's pretty obvious that his mother would have made then gone anyway. "Let's go."

The team lets out a cheer that catches the rest of then off guard, but Logan smiles at it. "Don't get your hopes up too high though." he cautions them. "I've been having a lot of trouble. So far the only thing I've been able to remember on my own is the way to Mr. Williams' class."

Chris chuckles. "You would remember that." he teases him. But there's a fear in his eyes that reflects back at everyone else. It makes Kendall feel horrible for not at least warning the team about the gravity of Logan's condition. They only knew the surface problem and had no warning for how deep it ran.

So, they head to the rink, Carlos chattering animatedly about their history as a team together. James' presence makes him feel better, Kendall notices. Even if there's still an obvious tension in the air. They're all together and that must be enough for Carlos. Kendall can't really blame him. As much as he and Kendall have been at odds, it's still better to have him here than away.

"Logan," Tyler says as they walk. "How are you feeling otherwise?"

Logan thinks carefully about his answer. "Okay." he begins slowly. "It's really frustrating not knowing anything or anyone. I mean, I know how to do basic things like read and write and everything, but the only memories I have start when I woke up in the hospital." He sighs. "And even those get pretty blurry unless I concentrate."

"Really?" Tyler asks as Kendall draws in a sharp breath. "Is that normal?"

"From what the doctor said, I could have trouble with my short term memory. He suggested that to help me with the past and present, I repeat names and places. You're Tyler, right?" Tyler nods and Logan looks pathetically pleased.

Kendall is actually relieved when they reach the rink because by then even Chris is starting to look freaked out by Logan's behavior. They need something to occupy their time other than Logan mixing up their names and asking again which ones moved to Minnesota. "Here we are!" he announces, throwing the front door open.

There aren't that many people there thankfully. Kendall is surprised however when they're greeted almost right away by their coach, Tom Jordan. "Coach!" he says, eyes darting as usual to Logan.

"Is he our coach?" Logan whispers to Carlos who gives a quick nod.

"Logan, how are you?"

For someone who's been asked that question so many times, Logan handles it fairly well. His smile is stiff, but then again, maybe that's because he's been confronted yet again by someone who is only a stranger to him. "I'm okay, Coach. . ."

"Jordan." the man replies unflinchingly.

"Coach Jordan." Logan repeats. "Thanks for asking."

In no time at all, they wind up at the rink itself. In the players' box as a matter of fact. For such a fairly large group of teenage guys and their coach, it's very quiet as they stare out across the ice. Kendall shudders and looks around to see that everyone else probably feels the same as he does.

He can practically see it happening all over again. Logan being pursued by his assailant and he, Kendall, being unable to help him. He was in the penalty box because he couldn't keep his mouth shut. If he-

"Kendall?" Logan ventures. When he sees he has his brother's attention, he lowers his voice, somehow knowing that Kendall won't appreciate the attention. "You don't blame yourself for what happened to me, are you?"

In spite of himself, Kendall's breath catches in his throat. He turns to stare at Logan, the blank look in his friend's brown eyes still haunting him. There's something different about his expression this time though. He doesn't know Kendall as he's always knows him, but. . . it's difficult to describe. He knows Kendall is blaming himself. Kendall hasn't said anything out loud but he still knows. There's a reason.

"Kendall?"

He hasn't even realized that he's crying until he feels Logan's tentative hand on his shoulder. Rather than comforting like he thought it would, it brings him even closer to breaking down completely. "Logan," he whispers. "If I-"

"You told me what happened." Logan says quietly. "It doesn't sound like it was your fault to me. You just- you weren't there, but even if you were do you think you would have been able to stop him?"

How does Kendall tell him that that's exactly what he's supposed to do? Stop the people who are trying to hurt the ones he loves. He sighs shakily and looks over at Logan, aching to see the familiar concern rather than the natural concern Logan has for anyone. "I would have at least tried." he says, so much regret in his voice that he watches Logan's eyes fill with sudden tears.

"Don't cry." Logan chokes out. He bites his lip and looks around. "Maybe you were right, Kendall. Maybe we shouldn't have come here. Not for me, but for you. It's hurting you."

He wants to go home. He wants to go home so bad. He feels like a baby, but he doesn't really care. "Maybe we should go." he whispers.

Logan nods and looks around. He leans over to Carlos and whispers something. Then Carlos starts to pass it down and without another word, one by one, they start to file out of the rink. "Better?" Logan asks as they step back out into the sunshine.

Kendall is so far from okay that it's not close to being funny. He's not about to tell Logan that though. He still has the twisted advantage of Logan not being able to tell if he's lying.

"Logan?" Chris asks as they walk away. "I don't think I've ever asked you this. . . but did your dad ever play hockey?"

Kendall stops walking so fast that Logan runs into him. No, no, no, no, why? They almost made it back home without any mention of Logan's dad. He meets James' eyes just in time to see him smile. "You planned this." he says angrily. "You told Chris to mention Logan's dad, didn't you?"

James' smile fades."You really think I would go behind your back like that?" he asks incredulously. "Kendall, I don't agree with what you're doing, but that doesn't mean I'm going to work against you. We're going to work together or not at all. It's the only way we're going to be able to help Logan." He looks over at Logan who is busy explaining to Chris that he doesn't remember his dad at all. "I'm not about to stop a "mistake" though."

Kendall's anger surges and he strides ahead to catch up to Logan and Chris. "Let's go." he says, taking Logan's arm. "We have to go. Chris, guys, thanks for your help, but it didn't work obviously. We'll see you guys around, okay?" He ignores everyone who is asking him what the problem is and keeps walking. Carlos is following them and looking very much alarmed. Unfortunately, James is right behind him. He's no longer worried about him. He's only angry at him. So angry that it scares him. He's afraid what will happen when they get home and he loses the control he's been holding onto so tightly.

**A/N. I hope you all have a wonderful Memorial Day weekend! Love you!**


	9. Breaking Point

**A/N. I'm sorry it's been a while since I last updated anything. My inspiration to write has been about as stable as a house in an earthquake. However, recently I've started to feel better about certain things and people that have been holding me back from writing, so hopefully that only continues to improve. In the meantime, your patience and support is always greatly appreciated.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own anything.**

"This isn't working."

James' voice is low and steady, which surprises Kendall. After himself, James is the one known to have the shortest fuse. He is passionate and when he gets angry, he gets very angry. His patience doesn't usually last this long. Then again, neither does Kendall's.

He turns slowly to face his friend, and takes a deep breath. "Listen, James." he says quietly, the words edged with anger. "I know you think it'll help to tell Logan about his dad, but honestly your sneaky little hints are just confusing him more."

"What hints?" James demands. He shoots a quick glance at Logan and Carlos who are walking together several yards behind them.

Kendall feels like he's been a rubber band these past few days, and the stress and worry is stretching him thin. Too thin. He can't last much longer before he snaps. He's not only afraid that James might be the one to get hit, but that everyone else might suffer from a similar blow. "What happened to doing this together?" he finally asks.

"You know what, Kendall? That's exactly what I want to know. Because ever since Logan came home from the hospital, wait, ever since he woke up, you've been lying to him and making us do the same. You're not letting anyone even suggest an idea. You keep thinking you have this whole thing under control as long as you make the decisions. But haven't you noticed that it's just not working?"

Kendall's heart is beating rapidly in his chest and he's burning with anger and frustration. The worst part is that he has no idea where to focus all of these emotions, so James is his only clear target. "You have to give it time." he says through gritted teeth, shocked when tears spring to his eyes. He can't cry now.

James has noticed the tears too and for a split second it looks like he might back off. But then he's in Kendall's face again, shaking with barely controlled rage. "Just how much time are you talking about, Kendall?" he asks, still careful to keep his voice low so Carlos and Logan can't hear.

"James, he lost practically all of his memory." Kendall reminds him, wincing at the ache in his heart. He swallows hard and continues. "He's not going to get better over night. It's going to take him time-"

"You didn't answer my question." James interrupts flatly. He stops just outside the Knights' home and folds his arms across his chest.

"Is everything okay?" Carlos asks as he and Logan draw nearer. Logan looks confused and worried, but Carlos looks on the verge of breaking himself. Unfortunately, Carlos very rarely gets angry. Instead he gets hurt. "What's going on?" he says now in a quiet tone that pleads with both Kendall and James to calm down.

"Nothing-" Kendall starts to say.

"Kendall is refusing to listen to me." James interrupts yet again. "Carlos, he won't even listen. I don't know of he's crazy or in denial, but he's convinced that his idea is going to work."

"What idea?" Logan asks when Carlos nods in recognition. He glances at each of his friends, searching their faces for answers he won't get verbally.

"Nothing." Kendall spits our harshly. "James is an idiot."

James moves forward so quickly that Kendall doesn't have a chance to block the attack. His head snaps backwards and pain blasts through the left side of his jaw. A hand comes up automatically to clutch the already swelling area, but he pulls it back when the contact sends new waves of pain shooting through his entire face.

"James!" Logan exclaims, horror struck. "Why would you-" he's cut off abruptly as Carlos suddenly takes his arm and yanks him backwards out of harm's way.

Kendall throws himself at James, knocking him to the ground. He swings a fist, feeling a mixture of satisfaction and self-disgust when he connects solidly with James' face. He pulls back to going for another punch only to have someone grab his wrist and pulls him roughly away. He falls backwards, hitting the ground with a thud that has all the air rushing from his lungs.

"Stop it!" Carlos yells, struggling to put himself in-between Kendall and James to bring the brief fight to a halt. "What do you think you're doing?"

"He's the idiot!" James shouts back, absolutely livid. Blood is running freely from his nose, soaking into his grey shirt. "He won't listen to anyone!"

"Boys, what on earth is going on?" Mrs. Knight demands as she and Katie appear in the doorway. She surveys the four boys as she stands before them. James' nose is bleeding badly, Kendall has a nasty bruise forming on the left side of his jaw, Carlos looks like he's on the verge of tears, and Logan looks frightened.

Coming quickly down the steps, she swoops in and helps Carlos separate the fighting boys, taking Kendall's arm in an iron grip that is fueled by her own fury. "I asked what is going on." she says clearly, looking straight at Kendall.

"James set us up at the rink!" Kendall snaps. He tries to pull away only to have his mother all but do holed fingernails into his arm to hold him still. "He had all the guys there and he didn't tell them anything!"

"I didn't tell them anything, but I also didn't tell them to say what they did!" James argues, not struggling against Carlos' hold.

"What are they talking about?" Logan asks, looking to Katie, his mother, Carlos, and back again.

"Look, he missed it anyway!" James' voice cracks and he slips away from Carlos, but doesn't bother to move. His eyes are filled with tears. "He doesn't know what's going on. We could probably say anything-"

Adrenaline pumps through Kendall in a big rush and he gets away from his mom to tackle James to the ground again. "Don't say anything about Logan!" he says furiously. "It's not his fault that you're determined to ruin everything."

By now, they've gotten the attention of several neighbors who are all standing out on their porches, staring unashamedly at such an unexpected fight. Kendall can hear his mother shouting at him to stop, but neither he nor James pause for a second to give anyone a chance at separating them this time.

Blow after blow is exchanged, worse than any fight Kendall has ever been in. At some point it occurs to him that he's beating up one of his best friends. Before he can feel too guilty though, James flips him over and delivers a punch that is sure to leave a black eye.

"Stop!" Katie shrieks, above everything else. She dives forward and starts to simultaneously pound James on the back while kicking Kendall in the side. Fortunately, both of them obey almost instantly for fear of hitting her.

"Kendall Donald Knight!" his mother yells just as Katie flees into the house, probably to hide in her room. "I want you and James to stop fighting this instant!"

Kendall has seen his mother angry plenty of times before, but never like this. Her face is pale and stretched tight with anxiety and she looks absolutely disgusted with them. "Now," she says, her voice quieter but just as deadly. "I want you and James inside now. Carlos, please take Logan to his room until things settle down. He's had a long day and he doesn't need to see this."

Kendall turns and watches as Carlos nods and goes back to Logan's side without even a glance at either of his other friends. He bites his lip, beginning to feel the guilt come alive and eat at him. He's reduced his little sister to tears and now one of his best friends can't even look at him. It also doesn't make him feel any better to know that Logan is clearly more confused than ever before. He and James have really screwed up.

A glance over at James tells Kendall that he's feeling the same way. His passionate anger is crashing into passionate despair as he trudges wordlessly into the house, head hanging low.

Mrs. Knight doesn't say one word to them as she sits them down at the kitchen table and starts to patch them up a bit. She gives James a cloth for his nose and then retrieves several ice packs from the freezer. "Do you think anything is broken?" she eventually asks quietly.

Kendall shakes his head right away. His entire body is screaming in pain, but it's nothing terrible. He looks over at James and holds his breath, then cringes when James gives a hesitant nod.

"Maybe my nose," he says, tentatively pulling the cloth away to see that the bleeding has slowed. "and my finger." holding up his right hand, he indicates to his pointer finger which is bruised and grotesquely crooked.

Kendall can feel his mother's furious and disapproving stare boring into the back of his head. "I'm sorry." he mumbles with no clue as to what he's apologizing for. There's so much.

The silence stretches on. The only sounds Kendall can hear is the ticking of the clock on the wall and the sound of his own unsteady breathing. Every once in a while, James shifts in his chair and winces softly in pain. "All right." Mrs. Knight says at last. "I want to have a talk with both of you, but not right now. First, we're going to the hospital to make sure neither of you permanently damaged the other."

It's not just Kendall who flinches at the words. James avoids Kendall's eyes though as he stands obediently and heads to the front door. Mrs. Knight informs them that she's going to tell the others where they're going and that they are to wait in the car.

"I'm sorry." James sighs once he shuts his door. "I mean, not about saying you're wrong, but about hurting you."

Kendall can't help it. He laughs. "And people can say I'm stubborn."

James tenses up and says, "Kendall-"

"I'm sorry too, James." Kendall interrupts before he can continue. "For everything. Maybe you're right. Maybe I should at least listen to you or someone else."

The conversation is brought to an abrupt halt when Mrs. Knight storms to the car and gets it, slamming the door shut behind her. "I hope you're happy." she tells him. "Katie locked herself in her room and won't come out. Logan is upset because he has no idea what's going on, and Carlos is just as upset as anyone, but he has to take care of them. You've hurt everyone this time."

"I know." the boys mumble ashamedly as one. They glance at each other and speak together again. "We're sorry."

"We'll talk more once we get the two of you checked out." she says sternly. Her hands are gripping the steering wheel so tightly that her knuckles are white and her mouth is set in an angry line. She's really mad at them and to make matters worse, she's just as scared and frustrated and worried as they are. The discussion isn't going to be a fun one.

They're all quiet when they reach the hospital. Kendall is thinking of the last time they came here, and he's pretty certain that the others are too. How could they not? He tries not to dwell on it because it just makes him feel worse. He'd give anything to have things back to the way they were.

* * *

Logan hasn't said one word since Mrs. Knight told them where she was taking Kendall and James. Katie hasn't come out of her room since the fight. And Carlos is- trying to hold everything together and keep it from falling apart even more. He doesn't even know what he can do at this point though. Everything already seems so lost and hopeless.

"Logie?" he asks softly. "Are you okay, buddy?"

Logan turns to look at him. "Carlos, why are you the only one who just accepts me for who I am? I know my amnesia hurts you as much as it hurts everyone else, but you're not letting it affect you. Everyone else. . . they get upset and they take it out on someone else. I'm tired of being such a burden. I want to remember."

Carlos bites his lip. "Logan, I promise that we're going to do everything we possibly can to help you remember as much as possible. But even if- no matter what happens, you'll always be my best friend. Nothing could ever change that. Not even a hockey accident."

Even as he listens to Carlos, Logan is looking around his room, with familiarity that belongs to someone who has only known it for days instead of years. He picks up a picture and stares hard at it, like he's trying to force the memory of Kendall's ninth birthday back into his brain. "I lost so much, didn't I." he states sadly. "You've all been so amazing, even when you get frustrated and upset. I wish I could feel like I deserve you." He raises his gaze to Carlos, eyes suspiciously bright. "Especially you."

Blushing, Carlos looks down. "I try to treat people like I would want to be treated if I were in their situation." he tells Logan honestly. "If I were you, I'd be scared by everyone lashing out at each other. I know the sadness is something that can't really be controlled, but I think that the anger can."

"You're amazing, you know that?" Logan shakes his head. "Do you ever get angry?"

"Oh yeah, of course!" Carlos says, nodding quickly. "Logan, I'm not perfect. I- My dad helps me a lot though. He got me a punching bag and hung it up in the basement. When I get really overwhelmed I go down there and take all of my feelings out on it instead of other people." He shrugs. "That way I'm the only one who can get hurt." And to illustrate, he holds up his right hand to show Logan the slightly bruised knuckles. "I did that last night." he tells him.

He smiles a little when Logan takes on a typical doctor's expression. "You're hurt." he says, obviously upset. "Carlos, you should be more careful."

At that, Carlos has to actually laugh. "If only you knew how much you sound like your old self. I'm fine, Logan, really. I just had to burn off some extra frustration, that's all."

"What were you so frustrated about?" Logan asks, curiously. "I mean, anything other than the obvious? Me?"

"Logan, I'm not frustrated with you." Carlos rolls his eyes. "Not even close. If you want to know, it's Kendall and James. We promised that we'd help you together and they're constantly clashing with each other. They're not helping at all."

"Who's right?" Logan asks. "I've heard them talk. . . not enough to know what they mean or anything, but I know that they haven't exactly been on the same page. Are they always like this?"

Carlos laughs again, but bitterly this time. "You could say that." he says regretfully. "It's a problem when we're trying to get through something though. When Kendall and James are on the same team, were pretty much unbeatable. They're the two most stubborn people I know."

"Which is why they couldn't do anything without you." Logan says loyally. "I've noticed something, Carlos. You all have your different places in this friendship. Kendall is a protective leader, James is the strong willed one who pushes everyone through, and you- you're the heart, Carlos. We'd be nowhere without you. I just wish I knew my place."

"You're the smart one." Carlos answers right away. "You know everything about everything and you know how to think through our problems. It's more than that though. James isn't the only one who pushes us. You do too, but differently than he does. You just want the best for us, so you want us to do our best, You won't ever let us settle for second best."

Instead of looking comforted by this, Logan looks even more upset. "I'm not helping you now though." he points out. "I'm the reason you're all upset and hating each other. Not you, but. . . James and Kendall."

"It's not your fault, Logan." Carlos says firmly. "It was an accident. It could have happened to anyone." _Why did it have to happen to Logan though _he wonders. Why couldn't they have read about it happening in some other place far away to people they would never know. That was a terrible, selfish thought, he knew, but he also didn't care.

"I know, i just-" Logan runs a hand through his hair and sighs in agitation. "Even though I don't remember what they were like, I wish we could go back to the way things were before this all happened."

"We will, Logan." Carlos assures him with a confidence that he doesn't really feel. "Hey, are you okay by yourself for a while? I think Katie might need someone to talk to."

Logan looks wistful. "She probably needs to talk to someone who knows what she's going through, right? In other words, not someone clueless like me."

Carlos gives him a crooked smile and reaches over to pat his knee. "One day." he replies, again with that false confidence to make Logan feel better. "Let me know if you need me."

Shaking his head in admiration, Logan says, "Carlos, don't forget that you can get help too. And not just from a punching bag."

He's so close to the old Logan that it hurts. Carlos feels his smile waver a little bit and he stands up to leave before it all comes crashing down. "Maybe later."

**A/N. P.S. Who's excited about Windows Down? I know I am! Have a lovely day, guys. :)**


	10. Coming Undone

**A/N. I am. . . not going to talk about when I'll be updating, because I can't rely on myself anymore. I'm really sorry for the long wait and I hope this is worth it. Thanks so much for your patience, guys!**

**Disclaimer: I don't own anything.**

The final result hasn't done anything to make Kendall feel a bit better. Not only is James' finger broken, but his nose is as well. That, and the fact that between the two of them they have enough bruises and scrapes to last a lifetime, Kendall feels like the worst friend ever. And that's not even counting the other, heavier issues that they're all avoiding at the moment.

His mom is mad. Furious actually, and with good cause. Still, he doesn't think he's ever seen her this enraged before and that only serves to make him feel worse. He deserves it though. For hurting James, confusing Logan, scaring Carlos, making his little sister cry. . . yeah, she definitely should be mad at him.

She's with James' parents now and they're talking in a little huddled up corner away from the boys. Apparently, they all trust them not to kill each other which Kendall supposes is slightly encouraging. What isn't encouraging is the death stares they keep getting every time someone glances their way.

"I wish they'd stop doing that." James mutters, as if he's reading Kendall's mind. "I feel like I'm going to melt or something if my mom gives me that look one more time." He cringes. "It's not like we're at each other's throats anymore. What do they want us to do? Kiss?"

Kendall laughs a little and leans close to James who jerks away. "Oops," he whispers. "they probably thought I was going in for another punch."

James' gaze shoots back to their parents and gives them a wide grin. His arm wraps over Kendall's shoulder and he tries to act relaxed. "I just want to get back to your house." he says in a low voice. "Carlos deserves an apology."

"And Katie, and Logan, and basically everyone." Kendall sighs. "James, I'm really sorry."

"It's fine," James says with a with a tiny grin. "I mean, I wasn't exactly helping anything, was I?"

"Yeah, but . . . I'm supposed to be the leader. I'm supposed to be the one who has everything under control and can-"

"Bull." James interrupts with a disgusted shake of his head. "Kendall, you're only human. How many people would be able to handle it perfectly if their best friend and brother suddenly just forgot everything," Seeing the way Kendall flinches, he softens his tone. "I know it hurts you even worse than it hurts me. And Kendall, I can't imagine it hurting anymore than it already does."

A lump rises in Kendall's throat, choking him. "Why us?" he whispers. "Why Logan?" He knows that there isn't an answer and that it's unfair of him to even ask James. He can't help himself though.

"I don't know, man." James tells him sorrowfully. "But I do know, now, that we're not handling anything the way we should be. We messed up big time and it's not going to be an easy fix."

Another uneasy glance over at their parents, and Kendall relaxes just a little bit. "They look a little less mad." he informs James out of the side of his mouth. "At least that's something, right?"

James laughs nervously. "That doesn't make fixing things any better." The three adults start walking over to them and he and Kendall both stiffen. "Here it comes."

Mrs. Knight, and the Diamonds all stand over the boys making them feel smaller than usual. They're far from happy, but at least they don't look murderously angry anymore. "All right, boys." Mr. Diamond says, his voice low. "James, your mother and I want to take you home so we can ground you for the remainder of the summer."

"Dad," James stands up in protest. "You can't! I'm sorry, I really am, but you can't take me away from Logan and everyone else. Not right now! I know I messed up, but I-"

"James!" his mother exclaims, sounding exasperated. "Your father was not done talking. Now, please sit down and listen."

Obediently, James sinks back down in his chair and waits nervously.

Mr. Diamond takes a deep breath and begins again. "You're grounded," he says again, casting James a warning look to stay quiet. "but your restrictions do not include your friends. Not this time. We know that-" he broke off, looking pained. "We know that they need you right now."

"But not fighting like this." Mrs. Knight added, shaking her head. "This is directed to both of you. If you don't shape up and get along, we will restrict you from the others, and that includes Logan."

Kendall feels his stomach twist up into knots until he feels sick. "Mom," he says, trying to refrain from an all out panic. "We're sorry. Look, we already straightened things out with each other. We're not going to let this happen again, we promise!"

"I hope you're serious." his mother replies, with not a trace of a smile on her face. James' parents look equally grave. "But now that you've fixed things with each other, I want you to go back home and fix things with everyone else. Logan, Katie, and Carlos."

At this point, Kendall is willing to do anything to get out of the hospital and do his best to fix things. He doesn't care how hard or painful they will be, he's just ready to start all over again. What they all need right now is a second chance.

James on the other hand, looks just as willing, but also slightly freaked out and worried. He bites his lip nervously as they walk out of the hospital, staying close to Kendall and dropping his voice so their parents can't hear him. "You don't think they'll hate us, do you?"

"James, no." Kendall says without hesitation. "I think we hurt them more than anything else. I don't think they're that angry. I mean, I don't think it'll be the easiest apology. It's not something you can just say, "Sorry, won't happen again" and expect to just move on, you know? We probably screwed up their trust a little bit."

James looks even more worried, and Kendall can't really blame him. They're all so close, like one big family. Trust is not an easy thing to fix once it's been broken and they both know that this will take some time. But they're willing to try. That's all they can do right now.

* * *

"Katie?" Carlos knocks tentatively on Katie's bedroom door, unsure of how the young girl is fairing. There is no answer and he presses his ear against the wood to listen. "Katie?" he asks again.

He listens carefully and sighs when he hears muffled sobbing. How long has she been alone in there crying like that? He tries to ignore the guilt that is flooding through him and tries to remind himself that Logan needed him too.

The stress puts an unimaginable pressure on him and he suddenly wishes that he could be anywhere but here, preferably alone so he can cry and hit things just like everyone around him is doing. Running a hand through his hair, Carlos takes a deep breath to calm himself down. It's not going to do any good for him to fall apart in front of Katie of all people.

Pushing the door open, he walks inside to see Katie curled up in the middle of her floor, surrounded by dozens of pictures. She's looking at all of them and crying hard. Carlos' heart breaks a little bit more and he slowly walks toward her, careful not to disturb any of the photos. "Hey, Katie." he says softly.

Instead of pushing him away like he was afraid she would do, Katie turns instantly and flings herself into his arms. She clings to him and cries into his shoulder, shaking with the effort. "I hate this!" she exclaims between sobs. "I hate this so much, Carlos! It's so unfair and wrong and stupid and-"

On and on she goes, rambling wildly. Carlos doesn't say a word. He just lets her talk, rocking her gently back and forth and waiting for her to finish. He racks his brain frantically, knowing that when she runs out of words, she's going to want him to say something. But how can he when they have all the same frustrations and questions?

"And James and Kendall are always fighting," she says now, pulling away to look at him. "They fight all the time and it scares me! Carlos, we can't handle things the way they are now, they're not working at all!"

"I know." he tells her, wanting more to anything to be able to say something, anything, else. "Katie, I'm so sorry."

She lifts her tearstained face to see him better and shakes her head. "Carlos, it's not your fault." she whispers, her voice cracking. "You've been the best through all of us. That's another thing I hate. They're hurting you too."

He almost tells her that he can handle it, but then he thinks of all the other lies they've told each other and how well it's worked out for them. "They looked pretty sorry when they left to go to the hospital." he offers, hoping to help her smile.

She does smile. Just a little bit. But it's a smile all the same. "Did they?" she asks, the tiniest bit of hope giving life to the dull tone in her voice. "I hope they did, It's what they deserve."

She's angry and he doesn't blame her. He's angry too. Kendall and James are too stubborn for their own good sometimes and then they end up hurting everyone else. Like now. "We'll talk to them when they come home, all right?" he says, giving her a tight hug. "It'll be okay, Katie. We'll work everything out, I promise."

"You're the one I can believe right now." Katie smiles a little again. "You're the only sane one around here these days."

"I'm trying." Carlos sighs. "It's really hard sometimes. Everything is so messed up. . ." he shakes his head. "I think we need to change a lot of things. We need to talk to James and Kendall when they get back."

"You mean tell Logan about his dad, right?" Katie sniffs. "I thought it was a good idea at first. But now I know. It was wrong. A lie."

Carlos flinches, He knows. He's known all along and so has James. But no on listened to James, so why would they even listen to him? Now they have an unimaginable amount of damage to repair even after they speak with James and Kendall. It's not going to be easy at all.

He's afraid to tell Logan about his father. He does't want to hurt him all over again, but now it'll be even worse because they put it off. Logan already has trust issues since he doesn't remember anything, so how is he going to take it when he finds out that they've been lying to him this whole time?

"It's so unfair." Katie sighs. "I just didn't want him to be hurt, Carlos. I thought that since he forgot about his dad, we would have a second chance to give him a better life. Why would anyone want those memories?"

"Because," Carlos says softly. "Katie, Logan's memories of his dad forgetting about him or ignoring him are just as much a part of his life as his memories of meeting us and getting adopted by your mom. It's not right to hide anything so important from him."

Katie's eyes are filling with tears again. "I'm sorry," she says miserably. "I'm sorry we didn't even try to listen to you. Now we made things even worse. Carlos, do you think we'll ever be okay again?"

"Of course!" he tells her instantly. "Katie, as long as we're together, I believe we can do anything. That's why we've been struggling so much lately. Because we've been apart. . . But I think we can fix everything and move on. It's going to take time and it won't be easy. . . but we'll be okay."

At last, Katie gives him a real smile. "Okay." she says, letting him comfort her. "I believe you."

They sit in silence for a while, enjoying the peace that surrounds them. Outside, the sky is growing dark with storm clouds and off in the distance, Carlos can hear thunder rumbling. Remembering Logan's fear of storms, even now, he straightens up.

"Is everything okay?" Katie asks, looking concerned. She follows his gaze to the window and frowns. "Logan doesn't like storms." she says softly. "Should we-"

"Yeah." Carlos is already getting up, nearly tripping over his feet. Part of him wonders if Logan even remembers that he's always been afraid of storms, but he doesn't pause. He needs to get to his friend.

Ever since the car accident that took his mother's life when he was six, Logan has been afraid of storms. It was because of a storm that he and his mother were hit and since then, he's never liked them. He's always tried to be so brave, but Carlos doesn't want him to be alone.

Together, he and Katie hurry out into the hall and into Logan's room. Carlos opens his mouth to say something, but the words die on his lips and he feels his heart turn over in his chest. "Logan?" he chokes out in a whisper.

But Logan doesn't answer him. Because Logan isn't there. Instead, a sheet of paper lays across his neatly made bed. From where he's standing by the door, Carlos can see Logan's neat handwriting on it.

Katie snatches it up before he can even move and starts reading it. Her face turns whiter and whiter with each line that her eyes absorb and finally, she lets the paper fall through her fingers and float gently to the floor.

Carlos, feeling like a robot, bends down and picks it up. Taking a deep breath, he begins to read.

_I don't know who any of you are. I don't even know who I am. Everything is confusing and I just feel so lost. I feel like I'm in the way too because everyone is so unhappy because of me and my problems. But I was hoping that something would change._

_Something did change. It just wasn't something I ever expected. Even though i didn't know you or myself or. . . anything, I thought I could trust you. You seemed like you really cared and loved me. But now I know that you've been lying to me. I overheard Katie and Carlos talking. . . about my dad? What are you hiding from me? And why?_

_Did you think I was too stupid to know the truth? Are you really who you say you are? What is happening to me? Who are you really and who am I? I decided that you can't help me, or maybe you don't even want to, so I have to help myself._

_I'm leaving to find the truth. I don't have a clue where I should go, but I decided that anywhere is better than here right now. I don't know where I belong, but after today I know that it's not here. Not where you're either crying over me or lying to me. You're not who I thought you were. None of you are. And it scares me. I don't feel safe here._

_I don't know what to say other than if this hurts you in any way, I'm really sorry. But i just don't belong here anymore. Maybe I never really did. I'm going to find the truth now._

_Logan._

**A/N. Well, we all knew Kendall's plan would backfire. How many guessed it would backfire that much though? I'll try to update as soon as possible, okay? I know exactly where i'm going with this story, it's just a little tough to write at the moment. Thank you all so much again for your wonderful support and encouragement! Think maybe we could get to 100 reviews with this chapter? :)**

**P.S. I am so excited for the new episode of Big Time Rush! And "Windows Down"! Whoo-hoo!**


	11. Broken Trust

**A/N. Hi, sorry it's been so long since I updated. I had some pretty terrible writer's block with this chapter. Hopefully I'll be able to have the next chapter up in less than a month. Thank you all for your patience and support though and I hope you this chapter was worth the wait!**

Carlos stares at the words on the page until they begin to blur. Somewhere in the room, Katie is still there, probably crying, but he can't know for sure. He's too in shock from reading Logan's letter. He reads it over and over again and it still isn't making sense. It still isn't sinking in that Logan is really gone.

He feels like he's dreaming. Things were okay just a little while ago. They weren't great, but they were okay. He and Logan had talked and he had helped Logan, hadn't he? He had made him feel better about the way things were, even with James and Kendall fighting. And then he had talked to Katie and had helped her. He thought that he had actually done something Kendall would be proud of if he had been acting more like that Kendall who Carlos looked up to.

But now he sees that he only messed up and made things worse than they already were. Logan is gone and it's all his fault. He should have been more careful in his conversation with Katie. He should have made sure that Logan couldn't hear or at least that they didn't say anything that would frighten him if he overheard. And he did overhear them and he's scared now, but more importantly, he's gone. Because he does't trust them.

It makes sense, really. Logan is confused enough He doesn't know them like he used to. They don't know him like they used to. Things are too different for that. But they knew what their lives used to be like even though Logan doesn't. They can trust what they're saying, but he can't. Then to hear them talking in private and to hear a truth that he was never meant to hear. . . Carlos can't blame Logan for running away.

"Carlos, Logan is gone, we have to do something!" Katie is screaming at him now, because he hasn't responded to her yet. He feels her shaking him, desperate to bring him out of his state of shock.

He jumps at her touch and looks straight at her but just barely sees her. "Katie," he whispers. "Logan is gone."

"I know he's gone!" Katie exclaims, tears streaming down her face. "Carlos, please, we have to do something! We have to find him!"

But how? They're alone, everyone else is at the hospital. They don't know how long Logan has been gone or where he is right now. They don't even know where to begin. Carlos takes a deep breath and tries to calm himself for Katie's sake. She's terrified and in tears. They aren't going to accomplish anything in the state they are now.

Outside, he hears a car door slam and he whirls around at the same time as Katie to stare out the window. "They're home," he whispers, realization finally setting in.

Katie is out of Logan's room before Carlos can turn back around to look at her. He follows after her, passing her on the stairs and throwing the door open just as Mrs. Knight is fitting her key into the lock.

"Carlos, Katie! What in the-"

"Logan's gone!" Carlos bursts out, his heart slamming into his chest in panicked beats.

"What?" Kendall demands, his face whitening until Carlos is scared for his older friend. "When? Where?"

Carlos can only shake his head. "We don't know," he says helplessly. Tears prick his eyes and he struggles to hold them back. Tears aren't going to save Logan now. "I talked with him and he seemed okay and then I went to talk with Katie and we talked and then it started to storm so we went to go check on Logan and he was gone and he left this!"

Kendall somehow absorbs Carlos' run-on sentence and grabs the piece of paper that he shoves at him at the same time. Wordlessly, he takes it and reads it, Mrs. Knight and James reading it over his shoulder. When he's done, Kendall simply sinks into the couch and stares at the wall. "It's my fault," he whispers.

"Kendall," Mrs. Knight says quietly. "Kendall, listen to me."

But Kendall doesn't react to her at all and Carlos can only exchange looks with James and Katie. He's never in his life seen Kendall look so utterly shaken and defeated. It looks like he's just shutting down.

"Kendall, we gave to go find Logan!" James says frantically. "The longer we wait, the harder it will be to find him!"

"Kendall, I need you to focus right now," Mrs. Knight kneels down in front of Kendall and gently touches his shoulder. "Sweetie, look at me."

Carlos watches as Kendall obeys. His green eyes are devastated and swimming with tears. "It's my fault," he repeats. "You were all right this whole time. We couldn't hide the truth from Logan forever. Now he knows that we were keeping something from him and he's scared because he doesn't know exactly what it is. He knows we've been lying to him. No wonder he ran away."

"Kendall-" Mrs. Knight is trying desperately to get Kendall's attention but even though he's talking to her, it hardly seems like he's aware of her. He just continues to go on and on about Logan.

"I made him feel like this, Mom. Me and my stubborn pride. I was such an idiot to think that I was actually protecting him. It was me, all me. It was my idea and I refused to listen to you. Now he's gone and it's all my fault. I drove him away, Mom. He left because he was scared and he didn't feel safe. I made him feel like that. I-"

Instead of trying to talk over Kendall's rambling, Mrs. Knight drags him gently off the couch and into her arms. Carlos can't tear his eyes off of them as they sit on the floor together, Mrs. Knight rocking back and forth as Kendall's last defenses are stripped away.

Logan, Carlos realizes, is Kendall's greatest strength. He brings out the best in the blond, giving him someone who has constantly needed his love and protection over the years. But with that dependency comes great responsibility and it occurs to Kendall that Logan is also his greatest weakness. He either makes him or he breaks him. And this time Kendall is completely broken. Destroyed.

"Sweetie, we can fix this," Mrs. Knight whispers, brushing back his tangled hair and trying to make their eyes meet. "But we have to find Logan first. Kendall, if Logan has ever needed you, it's right now."

"But I-" Kendall hiccups out a sob, his shoulders jerking up and down as he struggles for control over himself. "I failed him, Mom. I let him down. He's afraid of me. How can we fix that?"

Mrs. Knight stands up, pulling Kendall to his feet as well. "We'll start with finding him," she says firmly. "and we'll take it from there."

"But what if he doesn't want to come home?" whispers Kendall.

"We'll start with finding him," Mrs. Knight repeats. "and we'll take it from there. Now," she planted her hands on Kendall's shoulders and looks up at him directly into green eyes that are filled with so much pain that Carlos can't look at them himself. "let's talk through this."

Carlos takes this as his cue to tell a more coherent story of everything that's happened. "Logan was upset when you guys left," he says slowly, staring at the floor because he's afraid any more guilt will kill Kendall. "so I talked to him. I basically told him the sane stuff we've been saying all along. How it doesn't really matter of he doesn't remember because we're going to be here for him no matter what. I told him. . ." Carlos swallows hard. "I told him what he means to all of us. Or at least, I tried."

"He really seemed okay so I went to talk to Katie because she was upset too. I don't really remember exactly what we said, but obviously we mentioned his dad and the fact that we were hiding something from him. That was all he needed to hear, I guess. The storm started so we went to check up on him and. . . and we found that."

Everyone in the room looks at the piece of paper on the floor. Carlos sees that James is holding Katie in his arms. She's clinging to him, arms wrapped around her waist and head buried in his shoulder. Carlos wishes he could do the same. To have Logan missing is the scariest thing in the world, but the scariest thing right after that is seeing Kendall cry and be helpless like he is now. The universe might as well be torn in two. Nothing makes sense anymore.

"Okay," James says now, stepping forward but continuing to hold Katie. "We should split up and go with our parents so we'll be safe but be able to spread out and look in more places."

Carlos sighs in relief. This is what they need. Someone to step up and take control. Granted, James looks like he might be sick to his stomach, but he seems to be pulling everything together all the same. "I'll call my dad now," he says, glad to be able to do something. "Where are we all going to go?"

"I'll go to school," Kendall speaks and they all jump. But they nod, all agreeing so Kendall can continue to function.

"I'll go to the rink," Carlos says, glancing at James. "What about you?"

James sets Katie down and pulls his cell phone out to call his parents. "Where should I go, Kendall?"

Kendall stares at him, frozen and glassy eyed. "Um, the mall?" he suggests faintly.

Right away, James is nodding. "The mall," he repeats. "Great idea." He touches Kendall's shoulder and says with a sense of calm that is false, "We're going to find him. Okay? Everything is going to be okay."

After everything that's happened, how can James say that? There used to be a time when Carlos could be as optimistic as him. Maybe even more so. But everything is just so upside down and backwards now.

"Come on," James says shortly. He shuts his phone and Carlos realizes that he must have called his parents.

"I have to call my dad," he murmurs shakily. He finds his dad's number at the station on his cell and presses the call button. James is still talking as he heads out the door and everyone else follows him. Carlos finds himself alone.

Sitting down because his legs are starting to feel useless, he shuts his eyes and waits for his dad to answer. "Please," Carlos begs. He needs his dad right now.

"Carlos?"

"Dad," Right away his voice is cracking. "Dad, something happened and I need you. I need you now."

"What is it? What's wrong?" His dad sounds alarmed and worried. "Is it Logan?"

He knows. His dad always knows. Carlos chokes on a sob and wipes frantically at the tears that have started to fall. "He's gone."

There is dead silence for several long seconds. Then, "What do you mean gone?"

His dad even sounds scared. But it occurs to Carlos that his dad is so scared because he doesn't know what "gone" means in this case. It could mean anything. Carlos bites his lip. "He ran away. He overheard me and Katie talking about his dad and stuff. And he left a note about being lost and scared and. . . and now he's gone and so is everyone else because they're out looking for him. James is going to the mall to look there with his dad, Kendall and Mama Knight and Katie went to school. I need to go to the rink but- I need you."

He's babbling again. He needs to shut up. Carlos shuts his mouth, pressing his lips together. Tears are burning his eyes again, threatening to fall. He just need this nightmare to end.

"I'm on my way, Carlos," his dad finally says. He's quiet and calm. He's in control, which is great because Carlos isn't close to being in control.

* * *

"Anything?"

Carlos looks up from his phone and shakes his head. "Nothing. No texts, no calls, nothing. I mean I haven't heard it ring or anything, but I just thought that maybe I missed it."

His dad nods in understanding, but keeps his eyes on the road ahead. "Luke is back at the station calling the bus stations to make sure Logan didn't try to leave that way. Did he have any money on him?"

Carlos shakes his head, feeling sick to his stomach. It hasn't occurred to him that Logan might try to leave the town altogether. "I don't know if he had money with him," he finally manages to say. "Dad. . . where would he go?"

His dad sighs. "I don't know, Carlos," he admits. "But I do know that wherever he is, we're going to find him. I promise."

Carlos doesn't answer. Fear squeezes his throat shut and he stares out the window at the world passing them by. Tears are still burning his eyes, but they haven't fallen yet. He's afraid that if he gives into them and lets them fall, then it will be like admitting total defeat. The end of all things.

Suddenly, his dad jams on the breaks and even though Carlos has his seatbelt on, he's still thrown violently forward. "Dad!" he gasps out, clutching the dashboard with shaking hands. "What-"

"Carlos, look!" His dad reaches across him with his arm and points out the window. With his free arm, he's already steering with one hand to get off the road.

Carlos looks and starts clawing frantically at his seatbelt. "Dad, there he is!" he yells, nearly strangling himself as he finally gets free from the belt. "Logan!"

Logan is sitting by the edge of a pond. But not any pond. Their pond. The pond where they first met and where Carlos pushed Logan in when they were seven and where they played countless hockey games and where so many memories were made. Carlos tries not to get his hopes up by thinking of what this might mean. He has to focus on Logan and making sure that he's not hurt.

A hand on his arm keeps him from flying out of the car and his dad warns, "Be careful. He might be very shaken and confused."

Carlos nods. His dad is right. "Can you call?" he asks, handing over his phone. And then he leaves.

It's still pouring and there's an occasional rumble of thunder, but no lightning. Carlos prays that the weather gets better and not worse and he walks slowly over to Logan. He can hear the beat of his heart over the sound of the falling rain and it surprises him that Logan doesn't seem to hear him as easily. He's so scared right now. Why can't Kendall and James be with him right now? What if he can't handle Logan alone right now? What if he does or says something that scares Logan even more? What if-

Logan looks up and even though he's soaked, Carlos can see that he's been crying and that there's a possibility that he's still crying. "What are you doing here?"

Carlos winces at the total mistrust in Logan's voice. Once again though, he doesn't blame him. "I came to find you," he says shakily. "To see if you were okay."

"Do I look okay?"

He's bitter too. Carlos fights back against the tears. "I'm so sorry, Logie."

Logan isn't looking at him anymore. He's staring across the pond, watching raindrops dancing off of the surface of the water. "It's a little late for that, you know," he says quietly.

"Logan-"

"How long?"

Carlos blinks rain, or maybe tears, out of his eyes. "How long what?" he asks, his throat aching so much that the pain alone might make him cry.

"How long have you been lying to me?" Logan demands. "Since I came home from the hospital? Carlos, I don't share any of the memories you guys have. For all I know, you could have kidnapped me and done something to make me forget. I know it sounds insane, but it makes as much sense as everything else."

Carlos sits down, keeping his distance from Logan just in case. He takes his best friend's words like a blow to the stomach. It hurts and he can't breathe right. "I'm sorry," he says because there is nothing more to say.

Logan looks at him, his face blank of emotion. "Maybe sorry isn't enough," he says quietly.

This is the worst nightmare ever and it's real. He's out of words to say and things to do. There's nothing else. Carlos tries to breathe and winds up nearly choking on a sob. "I-"

A hint of alarm crosses Logan's face and though he quickly masks it, he at least doesn't tell Carlos to leave or anything. Instead, he actually looks back at the pond and says, "This place means something to me."

Carlos swallows his tears once more, searching for the right reply. "It's where we met."

But Logan doesn't smile. His face is blank again. "Is it?"

"Carlos! Logan!"

Carlos shoots to his feet and throws his hands out traffic cop style. "Stop!" he orders James and Kendall before glancing back at Logan.

Logan looks like a deer caught in headlights. He's halfway up, poised to run again, and his eyes are filled with fear and anger and confusion

"Logan," Kendall says, surprising Carlos with the amount of control he has. "Please. Stay."

Okay, so control meaning that he's communicating in one word sentences instead of verging on catatonia. "We're not going to hurt you," Carlos says slowly to help all of them out.

It's not raining anymore and Kendall approaches very slowly, holding out his jacket to Logan. "Here," he says slowly. "Take it. It's dry."

James shrugs off his jacket and hands it insistently over to Carlos. "I never thought to come here," he says, shooting for a casual attitude. "Did Carlos tell you that this is where we met?"

Logan is wearing Kendall's jacket now which Carlos considers to be progress. He doesn't answer James right away, but instead plays with the ends of the sleeves of the jacket. It's too big for him, too long, and his hands disappear unless he rolls the material up. He looks fascinated with what he's doing so they all jump when he finally speaks again. "Yeah, he did."

He sounds more tired now, some of the fight dead and gone. But he still sounds lost and that's the worst of all to Carlos. Because it says to him that Logan wants their help but they can't quite give it. "And it. . ." Logan sighs and shakes his head. "It seems familiar to me too, but I just can't get it. Like a word that's on the tip of your tongue and you can't think of it enough to say it."

Kendall still hasn't approached Logan. "What if we go home, get you and Carlos dried off, and tell you the truth. The whole truth and nothing but the truth."

Logan seems to consider this and Carlos actually lets himself feel moderately hopeful. He waits with James and Kendall as Logan continues to play with the sleeves of his too big and too long jacket. No one says anything. They're all afraid to breathe.

Logan stands up, his eyes on the ground. "Let's just go back to the house," he says, emphasizing the lack of personal use in regards to referring to his home. "I'm tired."

Carlos feels his heart sink. Logan is coming back home with them, but he's made it very clear that he still doesn't trust them. They still have a long, painful journey ahead. And he's not sure if they'll ever reach the end.

A**/N. The outline for this story is going to change, but I think it's for the better since I've been having so much trouble with the way I was originally going. I'm already brainstorming for chapter twelve so hopefully that means I'll be writing it soon. Thank you so much for reading and I hope you all have a wonderful day!**

**Oh, and one last note. I have received two anonymous reviews signed by "Nikki" requesting something about the use of her original character in one of my stories. I would like to be able to answer this privately, but unfortunately there are more than one "Nikki's" on this website and I don't know which one might be her. I don't know if she even has an account for me to send her a personal message. **

**Anyway, I'm sorry, Nikki, but I do not include original characters in my stories except when it is absolutely necessary and I dislike it even then. I hope that you don't mind me answering you like this, but I'm afraid that there was no other option. I also hope that you're not too disappointed. If you would like to continue to talk about anything, please create an account and contact me via the personal messaging system here on this website rather than leave reviews that disregard the story. Thank you. **


	12. Distance

**A/N. I'm back already and it's only been a couple of days instead of a month, wow! Thank you all so much for the encouraging reviews. This story has been a struggle for me to write, but it has certainly helped to have all of you be so incredibly patient with me. **

**Nothing much happens in this chapter and it's pretty short, but I think that I really like it. It's probably a little emotional to be too much longer. Kendall is sad so I am sad.**

They're quiet as they leave the pond. Logan heads straight to the police cruiser Mr. Garcia is waiting in and gets in the back, shutting the door pointedly. He doesn't want anyone else to come with him and even though he may not remember Mr. Garcia, he probably feels safest in a police car. He stares straight ahead, not even looking at his friends from out of the corner of his eyes.

But are they even his friends? Kendall nods in thanks to Mr. Garcia and watches as he pulls away to take Logan home. Silently, he climbs in the passenger seat of his mother's car, hardly registering that James and Carlos are following him. He looks out the window, watching the world pass by without seeing anything. How can they be anything more than strangers to Logan when he doesn't know them?

"I think it's best if we give Logan some space for a little while," Mrs. Knight says quietly, a detectable tremble in her voice. Her hands are steady on the steering wheel, but Kendall can tell that she wants to cry as badly as the rest of them.

"How much time?" Katie asks from the backseat. She's already crying and Kendall can't help but feel that this is all his fault.

No one answers Katie's question. No one speaks again as they endure what seems like the longest drive ever to the Knight home where Logan will be waiting for them. Kendall knows that they all feel pretty close to what he feels. They're also most likely thinking what he's thinking. What are they going to say to Logan when they see him in just a few minutes?

For the first time since the accident, Kendall shuts his eyes and he tries to put himself in Logan's shoes. What is it like to have no memory? To have people who are complete strangers to you claim to share a lifetime of memories with you? To have to take their word for it and then find out that you were being lied to all along? If he actually were in Logan's shoes, Kendall almost certainly would have run away. And he wouldn't have come back.

Shaken, Kendall sighs in relief when he sees Mr. Garcia's cruiser sitting outside the house. One thing he still believes to be true is that Logan is in good hands with Carlos' dad. That lone truth is going to have to be good enough for now.

Mr. Garcia is sitting in the family room by himself when they all walk in. "Logan is upstairs," he says, clearly about to suggest the same thing as Kendall's mother. "Right now, I think he needs to be alone so he can calm down and relax."

Kendall nods. "Okay," he says quietly. "Thanks."

"James, Carlos," Mr. Garcia turns to Kendall's two friends. "Come home with me, okay? If Logan is feeling better in the morning, I'll bring you back to see if he wants to see you."

Kendall flinches at the harsh way Mr. Garcia phrases his statement. But it's true. Logan doesn't want to have to do anything with them tonight and who knows if he ever will?

"I'll call you guys tomorrow and let you know what's going on," he tells James and Carlos, unable to look at them directly and see his pain mirrored back at them.

James and Carlos nod and leave without protest. It strikes Kendall that they're too broken to bother to protest and ask if they can stay and see Logan. They already know that he doesn't want to see them. That's how far they've fallen.

The front door closes and it's just Kendall with his mother and sister. They're all silent for some time until Katie leaves to go up to her room. Mrs. Knight lays her hand on Kendall's shoulder and squeezes it before going to follow her daughter.

With nothing else to do, and nowhere else to go, Kendall heads upstairs too. He pauses by the door to Logan's and out of complete habit, takes hold of the doorknob. He doesn't turn it though, he knows better than that. But he does lay the palm of his other hand flat against the door and rests his forehead against it. Shutting his eyes, Kendall pretends that he and Logan still have that special connection and thinks, "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry."

He doesn't want to move. This is as close as he can get to Logan and he hates the distance between them already. Physically, they're only separated by a wooden door but it feels like so much more. Internally, Kendall can't even fathom the distance between them, but Logan is half of his identity and it makes him feel like the only person in the world without his brother.

A loud crash interrupts Kendall's thoughts and he jumps. Before he can think twice, he yanks to door open and steps inside. "Logan?"

Logan is sitting on his bed, ignoring Kendall. But across the room is a picture frame, glass shattered across the floor. Kendall doesn't want to see it, but he goes anyway, being careful to avoid the glass that seems to be everywhere.

Turning the frame over, Kendall's breath catches in his throat. It's a picture of the four of them, right after they won the championship hockey game when they were eleven. Their faces are flushed with exhilaration as they hold up their individual trophies for the camera. But it's Logan who looks the most thrilled, holding up his MVP trophy with his other one. He looks in a state of ecstatic disbelief.

Then again, Kendall thinks as he continues to stare at the picture with blurred eyesight, maybe it isn't Logan who is the most excited in the picture. Because part of Logan looks too in shock to be totally happy. No, it's actually Kendall who looks like he's in top of the world. He's not looking into the camera or at his trophy. He's not even looking at any of his friends. He's looking at Logan's MVP trophy and if Kendall didn't know better, he'd wonder if it was actually his and Logan was just holding it for him. But he does know better.

"We were eleven," he says softly, not fully realizing that he's talking. "Mom took this picture of the four of us as soon as she could. She got one with the rest of the team, obviously, but she wanted this one too." Tracing the crack in the frame, Kendall feels the jagged edge of the glass slice smoothly through his finger, but he doesn't move. "No matter how many people we were with, even if it was family and friends, in the end it was always just the four of us."

Logan is at his side, taking the frame away gently and then holding his hand and inspecting the cut. Kendall is afraid to breathe, yet somehow he continues to talk. "That was the year you won MVP. There was never any contest. You scored the most goals and had the most assists. You were so fast that no one could ever catch up to-"

He stops talking. Logan has his first aid kit next to him and he's cleaning the little cut. Kendall watches in fascination as Logan goes through the motions, wiping away the excess blood with a clean cloth and then cleaning it with an antiseptic pad. He takes a band-aid from the box and applies it carefully. "You should be more careful," he advises so quietly that if Kendall wasn't listening for the sound of his voice, he would not have heard him.

Kendall lets his hand fall to his lap when Logan drops it abruptly. He stares at the band-aid and says, "You know, that's how we first met."

"Kendall," Logan says in a pained whisper. "Don't-"

"We were skating at the pond. I fell and cut my finger on a stick. The same finger. You came up to me and-"

"Kendall-," Logan's voice is pleading.

"And you gave me a band-aid. A Spiderman band-aid. You had a whole box of superhero band-aids and you asked me who my favorite superhero was." Emotion is flooding Kendall, making it hard to breathe properly. "I kept it for a week," he chokes out. "And then you came over and said it was unsanitary to keep used band-aids. So you gave me a new one. I never used it though. I just kept it. I still have it."

Logan stands up, shaking his head. "Stop," he begs. Sitting on his bed, he bends over and clutches his head with his hands. "I can't do this right now. It's too much."

Worried, Kendall stands up and touches Logan's shoulder. "Are you okay?"

"Please," Logan says in a muffled voice. "Just leave, Kendall."

Kendall snatches his hand away like he was burned. "I'm sorry," he whispers because they don't have that connection and he needs to say it. "I'm so sorry."

Logan doesn't reply, and Kendall backs slowly out of the room. He shuts the door behind him and heads to his own room. Walking over to his dresser, Kendall picks the picture frame up and sits down on his bed.

It's the same picture. Kendall's arm is over Logan's shoulders, eyes on the MVP trophy. Carlos is on top of James' shoulders because they didn't listen to Logan about what a dumb idea it was to be in that position on the ice. They fell right after the picture was taken and both broke their right wrist. If he looks carefully, Kendall can see a hint of alarm in James' eyes, hidden somewhere beneath the excitement.

"We did everything together," he says to himself. They really did. They triumphed together, hurt together, everything. How can all of that just be gone like it never existed? All of those memories are erased in Logan's mind, maybe permanently. Kendall might actually be able to stand the loss of those memories if the bond between all of them and Logan still existed. But it didn't, not even the bond between himself and Logan which Kendall considered to be sacred.

It killed him when he saw Logan wearing his jacket, because there were so many times growing up when Logan wore Kendall's clothes, sometimes for the simple desire to feel safe. Logan didn't look like he felt very safe today, although Kendall saw that he had thrown the jacket over the back of his desk chair.

It also killed Kendall to have Logan fix that stupid little glass cut. He's still the same Logan, wanting to take care of complete strangers. He's the same Logan without Kendall.

Kendall lays flat on his back and stares up at his ceiling. How did things get this bad? The same Logan without Kendall. That makes him the same Kendall without Logan. He can't feel Logan or read his mind anymore. Even right next to each other, Kendall can't tell what Logan is thinking or feeling. There's a invisible wall between them, thick and impenetrable.

Kendall never told anyone, but the day Logan and his mother got into that terrible car accident that killed Mrs. Mitchell, his left hand started to hurt. And when they were seven and Logan fell off the swing set and knocked the breath out of himself, Kendall's chest hurt. When Carlos accidentally hit Logan in the face with a hockey stick at nine years old, Kendall's nose didn't bleed like Logan's did, but it hurt.

The same thing continued to happen over the years. When they were twelve, Logan was checked into the boards and suffered a dislocated shoulder. Kendall had a sore shoulder for a week. Logan twisted his ankle playing tag when they were thirteen and Kendall unconsciously limped for the rest of the day. When they were fourteen and Logan jammed his finger in a game of dodgeball in gym, Kendall failed a test later that same day because he couldn't hold his pencil with his aching finger. The day of Logan's accident, Kendall ignored a migraine while they waited in the hospital emergency room.

Sympathy pain. Kendall had looked it up after the dodgeball incident. It happened when someone witnessed another person getting hurt and somehow suffered the same pain but to a lesser degree. The closer the two people were, the stronger the pain. It scared Kendall a little bit because they had been six when it first happened with his and Logan's wrists and they hadn't even been together that day. Everything he read about sympathy pain had said that the people involved needed to be together. But then again, those people didn't know Kendall and Logan.

Kendall wonders if he still has at least that connection with Logan. To physically hurt with him. Because he can't hurt emotionally with him. Sure, they're both afraid and frustrated and confused and grief-stricken, but not together. Separately. They're separate.

Kendall, still laying on his back and staring up at the ceiling, brings the picture frame up to his face. It's not the same as the one in Logan's room, he thinks. This one represents how things used to and still should be. The one in Logan's room, with the big crack cutting Logan off from the rest of them, represents them now and how they might always be.

**A/N. Just so you know, sympathy pain is real and I believe that the people involved do NOT need to be together and have one of them actually witness the other person's pain. I've had similar things happen to me and those I'm close with and I haven't always been around to actually see them get hurt. I thought it would be a good trait to apply to Kendall and Logan's relationship. **

**Anyway, like I said in the beginning, I think this chapter was short because it was sad and there was only so much emotion I could handle. There's still a lot that needs to happen in this story so I have to conserve my angsty energy haha. Don't worry though because more will happen in the chapters to come. I'm brainstorming the next one even as you read this! In the meantime, I hope that you all enjoyed your weekend and that you have a wonderful week as well! Thank you for reading!**


	13. Returning

**A/N. I saw The Dark Knight Rises on Wednesday. I have one question for those of you who saw it: Robin or Nightwing. For those of you who didn't see it, I also have a question: Why?**

**Enough about Batman though. I'm pleased to have the next chapter up in a fair amount of time! That's three in a row, right? I hope that they're all good and that I can finish this story before September. No reason, I just want to have a realistic goal to work towards. Anyway, I won't bore you anymore. Read on!**

* * *

"Kendall?"

It's strange how one week of Logan keeping to himself has made Kendall so unaccustomed to the sound of his voice. Kendall looks up to see Logan standing in the doorway of his bedroom, a shoebox in his hands. "Hey," he says softly.

"Hi," Logan almost smiles, but he's too nervous for that. He shifts his weight uneasily from one foot to the other and gestures to the inside of Kendall's room. "Can I come in?"

Why is he asking? Kendall struggles to keep a smile on his face as he nods. "Of course," he says, trying not to sound too enthusiastic and scare Logan away.

"Thanks," Logan walks in slowly, eyes scanning the room. "I was wondering if you could maybe help me with something?"

Kendall moves to the edge of the bed and pats the edge of his mattress. "Sit down," he tells Logan. "I'd love to help you if I can."

The box is placed down in the space Kendall indicated and then Logan sits several inches away, maintaining the distance he is comfortable with. "I found these in my closet last week," he says, lifting the lid off and setting it aside. "I've been trying to figure things out myself, but. . ."

Kendall starts to reach inside the box, then stops and looks at Logan for permission. When Logan nods, Kendall takes out a small pile of pictures.

He surprises both of them by laughing. "Oh wow," he says, shaking his head in amazement. "I didn't know you had all of these."

Logan leans a little closer to get a better look. "Are they all from science fairs?"

"And award ceremonies at school and spelling bees," Kendall tells him. "You don't have a strength or a weakness when it comes to school, Logan. Everything just comes so easily and so naturally to you."

Logan takes a picture from the pile Kendall is holding and inspects it closely. "I thought they were all school related," he says quietly. "But that's not the reason I brought them to you."

Kendall lets Logan take the rest of the pictures away and watches closely as his brother leafs through all of them. "Why did you bring them to me then?" he asks, not sure if he wants to hear the answer.

"Do you like science, Kendall?"  
Logan asks him unexpectedly.

Again, Kendall can't help laughing. The sound is foreign to him. "Are you kidding? I would fail every year if. . . if you didn't tutor me." He sobers quickly and shakes his head. "I hate science, Logan. It's by far my worst subject."

Logan frowns, looking confused. "Then why," he starts "are you in all of these pictures?"

Kendall takes the pictures back when Logan hands them to him. He scans them all, not taking long to confirm that he is in fact, in every single picture right next to Logan. "Wow," he says, studying one in particular. "I forgot about the bowl cut I had in second grade."

A faint smirk appears at the corner of Logan's mouth. "It's definitely not your best look," he agrees.

A sense of familiarity is tugging at Kendall's subconscious. Are he and Logan joking together? He shakes the thought away, afraid of getting his hopes up too high again. "I'm in every picture because I wanted to be there with you," he says, answering Logan's previous question.

Logan raises his eyebrows skeptically. "Why? You just said that you hate science."

"Because," Kendall replies simply. "I love you way more than I hate science."

Taken aback by how naturally Kendall answered him, Logan chews on his bottom lip, still looking confused. "We're in second grade in this picture," he points out. "That's what you said, right?"

Kendall nods. "That was when you made your own volcano while everyone else did moldy bread and flower seeds."

"But I still don't get it," Logan insists, ignoring the pride in Kendall's voice. "I found a copy of the official papers from when you adopted me. We were fourteen. In middle school."

For once, Kendall feels like their roles have been reversed to some degree. He has no idea what Logan is talking about and why getting adopted has anything to do with Kendall's hair cut in second grade. "Work with me, Logan," he urges. "What can't you understand?"

Frustrated, Logan rolls his eyes. "Why are you in all these pictures even before you adopted me? Who did you think you were, my dad?"

"Logan, I don't know if you noticed, but your dad isn't in any of these pictures," Kendall says heatedly. "Your dad never came to anything. He never wanted to. He didn't want you."

The words leave his mouth because he had time to think about them. Once it sinks in what he has said, Kendall stares at Logan in horror and disbelief.

Logan looks like Kendall has just smacked him in the face and punched him in the stomach at the same time. The shock and hurt in his brown eyes is all Kendall can see. It's everything he's been trying so hard to avoid.  
Kendall reaches out to his brother. "Logan," he begins.

But Logan stands up so fast that the shoebox falls upside down on the floor. The pictures are scattered all over, but Logan doesn't stop to pick them up. He jerks away from Kendall again, tears stinging his eyes then he turns and runs out of the room.

Panicked that this is a repeat of the pond, Kendall stands up and starts after Logan. He stops almost instantly though when he hears Logan's bedroom door close. Logan is safe. He isn't going anywhere.

Kendall groans in frustration and despair. Spinning around, he unleashes his pent up stress on the wall. Pain erupts in his hand, starting in his knuckles and spreading like a wild fire, traveling all the way up into his shoulder. Swearing under his breath, Kendall clenches his hand to his chest and backs away until he can sit down on his bed again.

The pain is terrible, stealing his breath away and causing tears to spring to his eyes. Kendall bites down on his lower lip so hard that mere seconds later, he tastes blood. Blood is also leaking from the gash on his hand, dripping onto his jeans. He doesn't move.

Already the pain is beginning to ebb. He's distracted by the pain of knowing that he hurt Logan. Again. Why does this keep happening? For years, it was Kendall who made Logan feel wanted and loved. It was Kendall who Logan ran too and Kendall's shoulder that Logan cried on. It was never Kendall who hurt Logan and scared Logan and made him cry. But now that was all Kendall seemed to do. Because Kendall wasn't just a stranger to Logan. Logan was a stranger to Kendall as well.

Kendall shivers at the thought and glances at his injured hand to insect the damage and distract himself. The knuckles are bloody and already bruised and swollen. Gritting his teeth together, he tentatively flexes his fingers. Though the pain is still pretty terrible, he doesn't think it's broken. Then again, he isn't an aspiring doctor. He isn't Logan.

Kendall leaves his room, stopping in the bathroom to wash his gash and wrap a clean cloth around the hand. Logan's door is closed when he reaches it and Kendall can hear quiet, muffled sobbing when he listens closely. Afraid of making things worse, he doesn't go in. He doesn't even knock. Instead, Kendall sits with his back against the wall and waits.

* * *

He's not aware of how much time passes. Maybe he dozes off once or twice, Kendall isn't sure. All he knows is that when Logan's bedroom door opens, he can barely turn his head because his entire body is so stiff.

Logan's face is pale and wet from crying. His eyes are red and swollen, and when he speaks, Kendall hardly recognizes his voice because it's so tired and scratchy from so many tears being shed. "Were you sitting out here the whole time?"

Kendall hesitates and then nods. "Yeah," he says slowly, nervous that Logan will shut the door or just walk away. "I um, wanted to be here in case you needed me."

Logan stares at him, an expression on his face that Kendall can't read. But he doesn't go back in his room and shut the door. He doesn't walk away either. He nods and sits down next to Kendall, so close that their shoulders touch. It's the closest they've been in weeks. "You've always been there for me in case I needed you, haven't you."

Kendall doesn't miss the fact that Logan doesn't ask him. He states it, like he already knows it. "I tried," he says weakly. "I used to be able to protect you. I thought I was sparing you by not telling you about your dad. He hurt you so much, and not just when he was around. He haunts you even now, even if you're not aware of it yourself. I thought that keeping him from you was the best solution, but now I know that all it did was hurt you anyway. We hurt you. I hurt you."

"You said it yourself," Logan says softly. "You were trying to protect me. You didn't want me to get hurt. Because. . . you love me."

"It's just that he was always so tied up in all his work that he never had time for you. He never made time for you. He was blind to how much he was destroying you, Logan. All you wanted was for him, your own father, to be proud of your accomplishments. That's partly why you worked so hard. You thought that if you got straight A's on your report card and if you won all the science fairs and spelling bees and if you were great at hockey, then he would notice you and be proud of you."

"But he never came to anything. He never even noticed you most of the time. You practically grew up at my house or James' house or Carlos' house because we didn't want you to be alone when he was gone on business trips. And he was gone more than he was home, Logan. He buried himself in his work so that he wouldn't hurt, but in doing so, be hurt the most important part of his life. You."

"I went to everything not just because I genuinely wanted to see you win and everything, but because I knew you needed someone to. I never thought that I could be your replacement dad of course, but I thought I could make it easier for you. I loved watching you work on a project and then when an award because of it. You were always so happy and on top of the world and proud of yourself, Logan. You were proud of yourself. Do you know what it was like to see you drop all of your insecurities and feelings of worthlessness that your dad gave you? You were like you always deserved to be and I hated that your dad couldn't see how incredible you were so you could be happy more often."

Kendall suddenly runs out of words and stops to catch his breath. Logan is watching him with wide eyes and he's not sure what his brother is thinking. "I'm sorry," he says quietly. "I just wanted to fix you like I thought I always did. Instead I broke you."

Logan is silent for so long that Kendall forces himself to meet his brother's eyes. The spark of curiosity he sees there confuses him and so does Logan when he says, "Did you ever get tired of watching me win?"

Kendall laughs and shakes his head. "No way, not at all. Seeing you happy made me happier than anything else in the world. Besides," he grind and nudges Logan teasingly. "I would always kick your butt in hockey practice later on. You weren't the best at everything, Logie."

There's a strange glint in Logan's eyes. He looks amused and thrilled all at the same time, but Kendall can't figure out why. "You. . . always kicked my butt in hockey?" he asks slowly. "Even in sprints?"

"Okay, so you were always faster than me," Kendall concedes. "Faster than all of us actually. I've never seen someone so fast. You always-" he breaks off as Logan's words start to sink in and then he turns around wildly to face him. "Wait, what?"

Logan grins. "The other day. . . last week you told me about the picture. And you said that I was always fast."

Immediately, disappointment floods through Kendall. "So were you connecting one thing with the other?" he asks. It doesn't seem like a real memory to him.

"Yeah, but I remember, Kendall!" Logan insists, his entire body trembling with excitement. "I remember always finishing sprints before anyone else on the team, even you! Because I remember that except when we were eleven, you were always the best on the team, no contest. It's still a little blurry and I don't remember everything, but it's my own memory, Kendall, I promise!"

Kendall can't take his eyes off of Logan. He expected to be overjoyed if Logan ever got his memory back and now it's happening, but all he can think of is how he's afraid Logan might experience some sort of memory overload. He's not sure if it's possible, but he's afraid all the same.

It doesn't matter that Kendall is at a loss for words, because Logan is still talking. "It's like staring at thousands of puzzle pieces and never seeing the picture. But suddenly you get two pieces together and the rest starts to come too. I don't remember everything, Kendall, not even close. There are still more pieces missing than anything. But I remember."

He slows down as his voice begins to break and he struggles against a sudden onset of tears. "I remember the year you and James tried to throw me a surprise birthday party but didn't tell Carlos because you were afraid he'd tell me. I remember that he thought you both forgot and that he got really upset and mad at you. I remember James breaking his nose when he got into a fight with Billy Anderson because Billy gave me a swirly and you were home sick that day. I remember-" Logan chokes on a sob and fights to go on. "I remember never being really disappointed about my dad for very long because you were always there and you made me feel better. I remember."

Kendall can't breathe. He stares uncomprehendingly at Logan, his mind trying to absorb everything. "How. . . How old were we when we threw that surprise party?" he winds up asking.

Logan shakes his head. "I don't remember that, but we must have been really young, right?"

"Nine," Kendall can only whisper.

"Right," Logan nods, familiarity lighting up his eyes. "I remember now. It was superhero themed and your mom- I mean, our mom made me a Batman cake. And-"

As much as he would love to hear the rest, Kendall cuts Logan off by impulsively throwing his arms around his brother and holding him tight. For a heartbeat, he waits for Logan to stiffen and pull away just like he's done since the accident. But not this time. This time, Kendall feels Logan's arms return the embrace without a moment's hesitation. And then Kendall starts to cry.

"I'm sorry," he hears Logan saying over and over again. "I'm so sorry, Kendall."

"Shhh, Logie, it's not your fault, buddy." Kendall whispers, tears tightening up his throat and making it hard to speak. "It's okay, bro. Just relax."

Logan is shaking in his arms, overcome with the emotion that the sudden rush of memories have brought. He's clinging tightly to Kendall, like he hasn't seen him for weeks. Maybe he really hasn't.

Kendall is holding onto Logan even tighter, afraid that at any second, he might disappear. Again. His heart is beating so hard that it feels like it might fall straight out of his chest. "I'm here, Logan. I have you. You're okay."

"I k-know," Logan stammers out, trying to slow his sobbing and calm himself. "It's just that I didn't know you a-and even now I can tell that I don't k-know you like I used to."

"It's okay," Kendall says again. "We just need a little more time." He doesn't know if this is true or not, but it's all he has to keep himself from going insane and to comfort Logan. "Just relax. Just breathe. I've got you."

"I know," Logan takes a deep breath and lets it out, shutting his eyes as he does so.

It's not even the memories coming back that matter most to Kendall. It's that Logan is where he belongs once again. Safe and sound in his arms. He's not scared and pulling away. He's quiet and relaxed. He feels secure.

Logan wipes at his tearstained face. "I feel like I just woke up from a dream," he says, his voice still shaking. "A really bad dream. A nightmare. And I don't ever want to go back. I mean, there are still so many gaps and things I don't remember. I don't remember what we did for my tenth birthday or even who your favorite hockey player is, Kendall. There's so much more, but-"

"We went to the aquarium for your tenth birthday and my favorite player is Wayne Gretzky," Kendall tells him. "And now we're going to take it easy, Logan. I don't want you to get overwhelmed."

Logan opens his mouth to protest, but one look from Kendall stops him. He sighs, turning so that his head is resting on Kendall's shoulder. "You're right," he agrees softly. "But I want to tell the others."

"Of course!" Kendall lays his arm over Logan's shoulders. "We'll probably have dinner soon. Why don't we invite James and Carlos over, and then give them a surprise?"

Logan tilts his head upwards. "How am I- I mean are we going to tell them? It's so. . ."

"Wonderful," Kendall finishes. "It's wonderful and nothing else, Logan. If this is all you remember. . . just as long as you remember us, it'll be the best. If you remember more, then that'll be the best too. Whatever happens will be the best, because now I can believe that we'll be okay."

"And I can believe that too, because I believe you." Logan whispers, settling his head back on Kendall's shoulders.

They still have a long road ahead of them, and even though there's no sure way of knowing, Kendall really does believe with all his heart that the final destination will be what they've all been dreaming. For now though, he's more than happy to just sit with Logan next to him like they are now. "I missed you, Logan," he says quietly so he doesn't break up the peace.

Logan reaches out and grasps Kendall's free arm. He pulls it gently over so that it's around his waist and he's in another full embrace. His sigh moves both of them. "I love you," he says when all is quiet again.

Kendall's eyesight becomes blurred and he blinks tears away. "I love you too, Logan," he manages. "I promise that I always will.

**A/N. I know how the next chapter will start, I'm just not sure how long it'll go before I hit a snag haha. We'll see though. In the meantime, yay, Logan is getting his memory back! I want to be clear though that most of it is still in limbo and will take some time to recover. But it's a start! Anyone notice what the key was?**

**I hope that you've all been having a wonderful week. Mine had been a little rough, but writing has been a wonderful release as usual. More importantly though, I've been blessed with an incredible job and the best friends anyone could ask for. If anyone ever wants to talk about anything, let me know because I love meeting new people. :) Have a great rest of the week!**

**P.S. I'm seeing BTR tomorrow. Hsjkehiejkey.**


	14. Complete

**A/N. Hi! I went to see Big Time Rush on Friday and it was AMAZING. The best part was running into my soulmate Lauren. I knew she was going to be there but we had no plans to meet up, and I wound up standing behind her in line for food. Then we were like ALDKFGSLGKRLGWE and we hugged and this was just after she met the boys and hugged Kendall and Logan, so I got a Kenganren hug which is the best ever. ANYWAY, read on.**

Kendall doesn't want to move and break the peaceful silence that has settled over him and Logan. Logan's head is heavy on his shoulder and he's breathing deeply, so Kendall is pretty sure that he's asleep. It seems like ages since Logan was this relaxed and the last thing Kendall wants to do is break up the moment. He'd much rather cherish it for as long as he possibly can. Forever.

But all good things have to, temporarily at least, come to an end. And it's really not that terrible the more Kendall thinks about it. As of now, he's the only one who's aware of Logan's memory starting to return. Though there's a part of him that selfishly relishes in the fact that he was the first and is still the only one to know, Kendall knows it isn't fair to everyone else. He wouldn't like to be kept in the dark.

So, a little reluctantly, Kendall smooths his fingers through Logan's hair one last time and lets his hand trail all the way down his brother's back. "Logie," he whispers softly.

Logan stirs and sits up very slowly. Kendall stares intently at him, holding his breath as he watches the younger boy look around in sleepy confusion. At least he's praying that it's only sleepy confusion.

Logan stops looking around when he meets Kendall's worried gaze. Blinking hard at him, his eyes focus and he smiles. "Hi, Kendall."

The warmth and recognition in his voice chase away Kendall's fears. He hugs him gently. "Hi, Logie. Have a nice nap?"

Logan's face flushes with a little color, but he nods. "I had a dream," he tells Kendall a little hesitantly. "About the day we first met."

Kendall sits up straighter, hope flaring up inside his chest. "Oh?" he asks, trying to appear calm. "What did you dream?"

"Just what you told me. But I remember that it was this finger." He takes a hold of Kendall's right wrist and points to the index finger. A frown crosses his face an instant later and there's a note of distress in his voice when he speaks again. "Kendall, your hand!"

"Oh," Kendall says again, hardly noticing his injured hand. Logan remembering which finger he had hurt when they were five. . . it seems like such a small detail, but it's really not. "Yeah, I forgot about that?"

Logan is kneeling by his side now, cradling the bruised and swollen hand gently in both of his hands. "What did you do?" he asks, sounding appalled. "Punch a wall?"

Kendall laughs before he can think better of it. "Yeah," he admits sheepishly. "Earlier today when. . . when I said what I did to you about your dad."

He falls silent, waiting for Logan's reaction. But all he gets is a scolding look from his brother as he continues to inspect it. "Sorry," Kendall offers after a while.

"Come on," Logan sighs, standing up and reaching for Kendall's good hand to pull him to his feet. "I'll get my first aid kit out. Can you move it?"

Kendall nods and then demonstrates. It hurts to flex his fingers and his wrist, but not too much. "See?" he says as Logan indicates to his desk chair. "It's not too bad."

"Just sit down," Logan mutters as he retrieves his first aid kit from his closet. "It may not be broken, but that's a pretty bad gash and the bruising is nasty too. You're lucky that it stopped bleeding, otherwise you'd need stitches."

Kendall grimaces. He's the exact opposite of Logan when it comes to anything medical related. "But I don't need stitches, right?" he asks hopefully.

Logan shakes his head as he carefully starts to clean the gash. "Nope, you're good. I wouldn't make a habit out of punching walls though. There are better ways to release stress and anger."

"Worked pretty well for the Hulk."

"Yeah well, you're Spiderman," Logan's grin falls flat and he sobers up. "Seriously, Kendall. Don't ever hurt yourself on my account again."

"Mhm," Kendall drops his gaze.

Logan rolls his eyes, but looks more upset than annoyed. He's quiet as he finishes cleaning the wound and then sets about wrapping it. "We'll go down and get ice when I'm done here," he tells Kendall. "I don't want it to swell anymore."

"Thanks," Kendall smiles and stands up. He takes a deep breath and waits for Logan to finish putting everything away. "Ready?"

"I think so," Logan breathes, looking slightly nervous. "Um, what are we going to say?"

We. Kendall smiles and wraps his arm around ligand shoulders. "We'll figure it out."

"Figure what out?"

They both jump at the sound of Katie's voice. Turning, they see her standing in the doorway of Logan's room, looking confused. Under his arm, Kendall can feel Logan tense up and he gives his brother's shoulder a quick, reassuring squeeze. "Hey, Katie-" he starts to say.

But Katie cuts them off with a gasp and suddenly flies into the room, slowing down just in time so she doesn't crash into them. She throws her arms around Logan and holds him tightly. Instantly a storm breaks lose inside of her and she starts to cry hard.

"Whoa, Katie!" Logan cries out in alarm. He holds her up enough so he can stagger over the his bed and sit down with her. "Hey, baby sister," he says gently. "What's wrong?"

Kendall can only look on, completely stunned. Logan's motions and words come naturally and comfortably. It's like the real Logan was never gone. He's slipped flawlessly back into his role as Katie's second big brother. The only lingering shadow is that he can't tell why she's crying, when to Kendall, it's blatantly obvious. She knows.

She must of known the second she looked into the room and saw them. For the weeks while Logan was lost and confused, he kept his distance and was quiet. He didn't like contact of any kind so seeing Kendall with his arm around Logan must have clicked things instantly for Katie.

"Katie, what's wrong?" Logan asks again, smoothing her dark brown hair away from her face and out of her eyes. "Hey, look at me. Don't cry!"

But his words only make Katie cry harder. She hugs Logan tightly, choking out two words incoherently over and over again. Neither boy can really understand her, but Kendall has a pretty good idea of what she's saying away.

Logan eventually gives up on getting her to calm down and winds up rocking her back and forth, murmuring comforting words in her ear that Kendall can't quite catch. He sits next to them and lays his hand flat on Katie's back. Rubbing it gently, he leans over and whispers in Logan's ear, "She's crying because she knows."

Realization lights up Logan's eyes. "Oh!" he exclaims sounding almost comical even over the sound of Katie crying. "Katie, don't cry, please. It's okay. I'm okay."

"You're back," Katie finally manages to say. She pulls away just enough to see his eyes. "You remember."

Logan gives her the tiniest of smiles. "Yeah," he says, tears filling his eyes. "I do remember. Not everything, but-"

Katie hugs him again. "I don't care if you don't remember everything. You remember us, right?"

"Right," Logan replies softly. He holds her close and glances at Kendall questioningly. Kendall can tell he's wondering if they need to call their mother in. He wonders too, but the emotions are running high and the last thing they need is another breakdown right now. One at a time is all they can manage.

Watching Logan and Katie interact, Kendall becomes fairly sure that his brother has it all under control. Now that he knows the reason for Katie's tears, he's calm and gentle, being just what she needs.

Slowly, but surely, Katie's sobs begin to slow until she's merely hiccuping into Logan's shoulder. Her breathing is still a little shaky, but when she lifts her head, she's smiling. "How?"

Kendall is caught off guard by the rush of guilt that hits him at Katie's question. He feels Logan's eyes on him too and can sense his worry and confusion. Taking a deep breath, he forces a smile and says, "Honestly, I think Logan can tell you best," he tries to say lightly. "One minute I was ranting and then next-"

"You were telling me about my dad," Logan says softly. He completely misses the wide eyed look that Katie gives Kendall and goes on. "And it suddenly just clicked. At first it wasn't any specific memory. All I remembered was all of those times when my dad let me down and you stepped in to take his place."

It's a good thing that Logan is still looking at Kendall, because the emotions on Katie's face are betraying her. Kendall can only see his guilt mirrored back at him through his little sister's eyes and it kills him on the inside. This is his fault she's feeling like this. The whole thing was his idea and while it's acceptable for him to suffer, it's never acceptable for Katie to suffer.

Katie shakes her head and abruptly jumps to her feet. A mask is up and it's a good one because part of it is real, honest excitement. "Come on!" she urges joyfully. "Let's go tell Mom and then call everyone."

As they leave the room, Kendall sees for the first time how much of Logan is still absent. Before the accident, he'd have been able to see straight through Kendall and Katie and their acts. Now, Kendall is almost, painfully certain that he doesn't even notice. Maybe that's a good thing for now though.

"Mom!" Katie calls. She grabs tightly to Logan's hand and tugs him down the stairs. "Hey, Mom! Guess what! Logan-"

Kendall almost rams right into Logan when he and Katie stop too suddenly. Panicked, he throws his hands out and needlessly steadies the younger boy. "Katie!" he exclaims, letting out a breath. "What-"

But then he stops because he sees. Logan and Katie have stopped directly in their tracks and are staring at their mother. She's crying. Kendall's heart freezes momentarily as it tries to process along with his brain what is happening right now.

He can count on one hand the number of times he's seen his mother cry like this. The first was after Logan's mother died, the second was when his dad left, and. . . Kendall can't think of another time. Now.

"Mom,"

He looks to see Logan ease past Katie and go to his mother. He looks shocked, but not too shocked like Kendall and Katie. There was always a part of Logan, an incredibly selfless part that enabled him to look past all of his feelings no matter how strong, and reach out to those around him.

Kendall takes a step closer and draws her into his arms. He doesn't want to leave, but he knows that this moment is for Logan and his mother alone. And by alone, that means Kendall is going to stay in the room and observe but not intervene. Logan is fine. He can handle this. It's Logan.

"Mom?" Logan's voice shakes as he approaches her. He pulls over another kitchen stool and sits next to her. Kendal can just see a small pile of pictures in front of her on the counter and his throat starts to close up.

"Mom," Logan is saying again. He gently pries one of the pictures out of her shaking hands and tries to get her attention. "Mommy, please don't cry."

It's the mommy that catches her attention at last. No surprise either since Kendall distinctly remembers Logan accidentally calling her that when he was only seven. It's more than that though. Kendall isn't a parent yet, but he isn't stupid either. He knows that the names "Mommy" and "Daddy" have a special note in them that "Mom" and "Dad" lack. It's a vulnerable and childish note that wakes up the best part of the best kind of parents.

Their mother looks up, startled by the sound of Logan using her name like that. She gently cups his face between her hands, her motherly instinct for the well being of her distressed child trumping her own pain. "Logan," she asks quietly. "What is it, baby?"

Logan's bottom lip trembles until he manages to catch it between his teeth. A lone tear slides down his face and Kendall can see him struggling to speak.

But seconds later, he doesn't need to speak. Kendall can see the moment when their mother see the recognition in Logan's teary brown eyes. Her breath catches in her throat and she carefully strokes Logan's face, wiping away the tear there. "Logan?" she asks, hardly daring to hope.

Logan reaches up with one shaking hand and places it over her hand. He squeezes it and gives her a shaky smile. "I love you," he whispers before leaning forward and wrapping his arms around her.

Then she's crying again and so is Logan. Next to him Katie is tearing up and looking longingly over at her big brother and mother. Kendall's eyes feel itchy and irritated, but he doesn't want to start all over again.

He almost gets full control again. Then Logan, after being smothered in kisses, sits up and glances curiously at the pictures that are in front of him, and he grins. "Look," he says, holding up a picture of them when they were fourteen. "Our first Christmas as a real family."

Then Katie runs over to see better and climbs into Logan's lap. And Kendall, left alone, follows her. Leaning over Logan, he rests his chin on Logan's shoulder, laughing when Logan tries to duck away because it tickles. "Let me see."

Logan passes him the picture and they all look at it. Kendall looks at the fourteen year old version of himself and thinks how he used to think he'd never feel that happy over something over again. He had a new brother and it was his best friend. Surely nothing could top that.

He's wrong. Kendall sets aside the picture, not even bothering to try and blink away the tears this time. Because today, right now, he feels exactly the same way that he did when he and Logan were fourteen and spending their first Christmas together as a real, official family. Not because he has a new brother, but because he has his brother back. His family is whole once more.

* * *

Dinner starts out uncomfortably quiet. James and Carlos can both clearly sense that something is up, but since no one is offering to tell them, they're only afraid of what it might be.

Kendall observes his friends as they eat. James has hardly touched his food, and Carlos has been twirling pasta around his fork then sticking it in his mouth and chewing it for longer than is necessary. His left foot thumps against his chair leg in a steady rhythm. They're both nervous.

Logan is staring at them, hardly eating himself. His fingers tap nervously on the table, but cease immediately when his mother looks questioningly at him. Catching Kendall's eye, he clears his throat, apparently ready to say something. "So, Kendall, I was-"

"Kendall," James says at the same time. Realizing he's interrupted Logan, he turns bright red, but doesn't pause. He's too wound up to do that. "What happened to your hand?"

Kendall looks down at his bandaged hand. "Oh," he says in surprise. "I forgot about that. I uh, punched a wall."

James' eyebrows shoot up and Carlos stops chewing. Automatically, their eyes stray from Kendall to Logan. "Were you going to say something, Logan?" Carlos asks.

Logan glances at Kendall for support, chewing nervously on his bottom lip. Before inviting James and Carlos over for dinner, they all talked about what they would say to them and break the news. They never found a solution and Logan finally gave up, saying that he'd wing it. But they've been at the table for ten minutes now and Logan has hardly said anything.

"Kendall, I was wondering. . ." he finally begins. "I mean, I was thinking about it. . ."

"What?" Kendall asks, just as confused as everyone else. He has no idea where Logan is going with this.

"Playing hockey again," Logan mumbles, eyes on his plate and fingers resuming their nervous tapping.

Kendall's fork hits his plate with a clatter. He can sense James and Carlos and Katie are staring between him and Logan and their mother. "Wha-" he chokes out before shaking his head violently. "Logan, no. Absolutely not. There is no way that I'm letting you get back out on the ice ever again. Not after what happened to you."

Logan scowls. "You can't forbid me from doing it if I really want to," he says under his breath.

Leaning forward, Kendall forces Logan to meet his gaze and then says, "Watch me."

"Mom!" Logan protests, his eyes darting over to James and Carlos. "Kendall can't tell me what to do, can he? He's only three months older than me."

Kendall hears James choke on his water and Carlos stops hitting the chair leg with his foot. Quickly, he bites back a grin. He knows now exactly what Logan is up to. "Three months is still older," he shoots back. "Besides, I'm-"

"Three inches taller," Logan says at the same time.

Kendall can't hide his grin and he leans back, folding his arms over his chest as he watches and waits. "Three months older and three inches taller," he says smugly. "That makes me-"

"My big brother," Logan finishes smoothly. "Well, there are certainly worse things in life."

"Hang on," Carlos breaks into the banter, looking lost. He's on his feet now and clutching the back of his chair for support. "What's going on?"

"I-"

"Do you have your memory back?" Carlos yells so loud that they all jump, even James, who until now has looked completely frozen.

Logan offers him half a grin. "Sort of," he says slowly. "Not all of it, or even most of it. But I remember you."

Carlos leans over the table to stare directly at Logan. "You remember us," he repeats, his face only inches from Logan.

Suddenly shy, Logan backs off a little bit and nods. "Yeah," he says quietly.

There's a beat of silence and then James whoops and shoots to his feet. He throws his arms around Logan and lifts his feet of the ground. Kendall's mouth drops open to cry out a panicked protest, but before he can suck enough air into his lungs, James is already setting safely back down on his feet.

"You remember!" Carlos cheers, clamoring over Kendall to fit himself between Logan and James. "Logan, you really remember! Kendall, does he really?" At Kendall's nod, the younger boy lets out another victorious whoop and hugs Logan.

"When?" James demands, his eyes starting to fill. "How? Why didn't you call us and tell us sooner?"

"I'm sorry! I just-" Logan throws his hands up in the air, looking frustrated. "I didn't know what or how or-"

"It's fine, Logan," James interrupts quickly. "It doesn't matter. All the matters is that you remember and-" he cuts himself off and tugs both Logan and Carlos into his arms.

"I'm sorry," Logan apologizes again when he realizes that both of his friends are crying. "Maybe I should have just told you. I thought that if I-"

"Logie, shhhhhhh," James says softly. "The way you told us was perfect, okay?"

Carlos laughs a little and says, "Yeah, you don't know how good it was to see you and Kendall pick up right where you left off like that. It was exactly like old times." He grind broadly at Logan who still looks uncertain. "I love the way you told us, Logie. It was the best surprise ever."

"Okay, good, I'm glad." Logan sighs in relief

Kendall relaxes as they all sit down. "How are you holding up, Logan?" he asks quietly. "It's been a long day."

Logan nods. "Yeah, it has, and I'm a little tired to be honest. But I'm okay. Promise."

"So, Logie," Carlos begins, glancing over at Kendall. "Can you tell us what you remember, or are you too tired?"

Logan shakes off the concern and immediately starts talking about what he remembers. It's almost painful to see how proud he is of himself as he tells James and Carlos about his ninth birthday party, but it's also wonderful.

Kendall watches James and Carlos listen to Logan, hanging onto every single word he says. He exchanges smiles with his mother and Katie. He's emotionally exhausted too, but at the same time he's very pumped up. Today has been one of the best days of his entire life and he doesn't want it to end. He wants the moment to last forever.

Katie nudges him gently and he turns his gaze on her. She leans close, and over the sound of James and Carlos and Logan laughing at the memory of the failed surprise party, she says, "Logan's birthday is next week."

Kendall's jaw actually drops open in astonishment. Where has the time gone? In the midst of the chaotic aftermath of Logan's accident, they've already forgotten about Kendall and James turning seventeen. Now, in five days, Logan will turn seventeen and they have nothing planned.

Then again, Kendall thinks as he listens to James telling Logan about how they spent his twelfth birthday spent playing laser tag, maybe they do.

**A/N. i'll have a lot of time to myself this Tuesday through Thurday, so if I don't waste that time goofing off, then I should be able to write quite a bit. Wish me luck! Thank you for reading, and I hope that you all have a wonderful week!**


	15. Remaining Pieces

**A/N. I have the whole house practically to myself until Thursday, yay! Do you know what that means? Writing party! It'll be fun and I think I can accomplish my goal of finishing this story in August. Keep your fingers crossed!**

It's nearly three in the morning when Kendall hears his bedroom door open. Surfacing from his haze of sleep, Kendall tries to peer through the inky blackness of night, cracking his jaw as a huge yawn escapes him.

"Kendall?"

A rush of concern floods through Kendall and he forgets his weariness. He sits up, shrugging away the covers and reaches out. "Logie?"

Logan's fingers brush against his outstretched hand, and Kendall pulls him close. "Hey," he says, making sure that Logan is sitting down. "Everything okay?"

"Yeah, I think so." Logan leans into Kendall and sighs. "I'm sorry if I woke you, I just-"

"Don't apologize, Logan," Kendall soothes. "I don't mind at all, I really don't. Now, tell me. Are you okay?"

Another sigh escapes Logan, but this time he sounds more troubled. "I guess I'm just afraid," he says quietly.

Wrapping his arm around Logan, Kendall lays down, guiding his brother with him, and holds him tight. "What are you afraid of?" he asks patiently. His fingers start to comb gently through Logan's hair as he waits.

Logan's breath is shaky and tears start to fall from his face and drip onto Kendall's shirt. He lifts his head, resting his chin on Kendall's chest. He's silent.

"Logie?" Worried, Kendall sits up a little, careful to not disturb Logan. "Talk to me, bro."

"I'm afraid of forgetting again," Logan finally whispers after a long stretch of silence. "I'm afraid of waking up and being strangers with you and not sharing the same memories as you. I'm afraid of losing you."

He's secretly terrified of the same thing, but there's no way that he's going to tell Logan that. Keeping his motions steady, Kendall reflexively tightens his grip on his brother and replies, "It won't happen again. I promise. I won't let it."

It's the worst promise in the world he can make right now, but when Logan meets his gaze in the dark room, Kendall sees the belief in his brown eyes and it makes it all worth it. His heart swells with love and affection and before he can stop himself, he kisses Logan on the forehead. "I promise," he repeats.

Logan is still gazing at him in pure adoration, a lurking sense of unfamiliarity not taking away any of Kendall's joy at seeing his brother so trusting again. This is all he needs.

Logan finally smiles and lays his head back down on Kendall's chest. His eyes drift shut as he feels Kendall begin to comb his fingers gently through his hair once again. "I know you will," he replies. "I know you'll take care of me. I believe you. I think. . . I think that I just needed to hear you say it."

"I promise that I won't let it happen again," Kendall repeats solemnly.

"I know," Logan mumbles, already starting to fall asleep now that he's had his reassurance. "You're the best, Kendall. I'm really glad you're my brother."

It means more than any words could say to hear Logan refer to Kendall like that again. It's not just the word, but the way Logan uses it too. Just like the Logan that Kendall has missed so much for the past several weeks. It's what he's been longing for and now he has it back. It's even better than he remembered.

"I'm glad I'm your brother too, Logie," he replies, even though he's pretty sure Logan is asleep by now. "It's my favorite thing to be."

Logan doesn't reply with words, but he doesn't need to. He snuggles closer to Kendall, sighing in perfect contentment. It's better this way. Kendall and Logan are back at their best together and they don't need words.

It's what Kendall has been dying for. To reach for Logan and have him go to him instead of pull away. To hug Logan and have him hug back and melt naturally into the embrace instead of flinching. To hear Logan's "Thank you" in a sigh instead of his voice. This is how things are supposed to be. How they're meant to be.

The universe is right again.

* * *

When Kendall wakes up, Logan is still fast asleep at his side. His face is pressed into Kendall's shoulder and he's snoring softly, one hand wrapped tightly around his brother's uninjured wrist.

Kendall sighs and gently shifts away just far enough so he can stretch a little bit. The bedroom door opens and he grins at the newcomer. "Hey, Mom," he whispers.

"Now isn't this a welcome sight," she replies with a smile. Walking over to the bed, she sits down on the edge and reaches over to brush Logan's bangs out of his eyes. "I went to go check on him in his room and he wasn't there."

"Weren't you worried?" Kendall asks her, his eyes on Logan who is smiling a little in his sleep.

His mother shakes her head. "As soon as I saw his empty bed, I knew where he would be."

Kendall wants to acknowledge her compliment, but now he's worried. As long as he's known Logan, he's always been a light sleeper. All of this talking, no matter how quiet, should have woken him up right away. Yet, he's not even stirring.

Realizing the same thing, Mrs. Knight moves her hand to Logan's shoulder and gives him a gentle shake. "Logan? Sweetie, can you hear me? Wake up, Logan."

It takes a split second than Kendall is okay with, but Logan stirs very slightly, and then his eyes start to crack open. "Mornin'," he mumbles. "Everything 'kay?"

"We're just not used to you sleeping so soundly, that's all," his mother tells him softly. "I forgot the doctor warned us this might happen. I guess we didn't notice because we were so worried about everything else."

Kendall remembers now. It was after they found out about Logan's amnesia so he admittedly hadn't been paying that much attention. It was the least of their worries, the doctor had assured them. But because they had all been so wrapped up in getting his memory back, they had scarcely thought of his sleeping habits.

"Sorry," Logan mutters sleepily. He starts to sit up, rubbing at his eyes. "I'm fine- Hey! Kendall!"

Kendall removes his hands from Logan's shoulders, but hovers over him, making sure that he stays laying down. "Are you okay, Logan?" he questions. "Do you need more sleep?"

"I'm fine," Logan insists, grudgingly letting Kendall help him sit up this time. "Really. I'm tired, but that's because I just woke up." He yawns and then gives then a sleepy smile. "Morning."

Their mother smiles again and kisses his cheek. "Good morning, sweetheart," she replies. "How are you feeling? Other than tired, I mean."

Logan shrugs. "Just tired. And a little confused. I dreamed a lot last night. I think it was mostly memories, but I'm not sure if some things were real or not."

Kendall gets to his feet and helps Logan up as well. "We'll help you with that," he says with quiet assurance.

A sigh escapes Logan. "It's scary," he admits. "and frustrating. I wish you didn't have to help me."

Smiling fondly, Mrs. Knight shakes her head. "That's our Logan," she says gently. "Always wanting to be as little trouble as possible." She hugs him, whispering in his ear, "You're never trouble, Logan. You're family. You're my son and Kendall and Katie's brother. We'll do whatever it takes to help you. And I know for a fact that James and Carlos and their families all feel the same way."

Resting his head on her shoulder, Logan squeezes his eyes shut, trying to hold back tears. "I know," he says shakily. "I believe you." He lets go of her and tries to smile. "Is Katie up yet?"

"She should be," Mrs. Knight smiles at the two boys. "Why don't we all go downstairs and have some breakfast? If you want we can talk about some of your dreams and memories. James and Carlos can come over too."

Kendall grins when he watches Logan's face light up at the mention of Katie and James and Carlos. It's almost as if he's been away for a very long time and has just come home. "Come on, Logie. Let's go wake up Katie if she's still asleep."

Logan follows after him as their mother goes to start breakfast. Katie isn't asleep anymore and meets them in the hallway. Instantly, she gives them a huge smile and hugs them. "I was thinking," she says hesitantly, "Do you think we should go out again today? To see if you remember anything now?"

"Maybe later, baby sister," Kendall tells her, giving her a one armed hug and leading the way downstairs. "Mom is making breakfast right now and then James and Carlos are coming over. We're going to talk about a few things."

Katie frowns. "Is everything okay? she asks, glancing at Logan in concern.

"Everything's great, Katie," Logan assures her quickly. "There's still a lot that I don't remember and I just want to talk about it today instead of going out. I kind of want to stay home today, you know?"

"Yeah," Katie nods. "That's a good idea. You're really okay then?"

"I am," Logan promises seriously. "Let's go get something to eat and then we'll talk."

Logan isn't as calm as he appears in front of Katie. Kendall didn't have to see his breakdown earlier that morning to know that he's really scared. Katie can probably see his fear too, but she doesn't say anything. They seem to have all collectively decided, without speaking, to take one thing at a time.

Breakfast is a quiet affair, but not uncomfortably quiet. Kendall however, is lost in his thoughts, All he can think of is yesterday's events and when and how Logan's memory came back. The key was not anything to do with him or anyone else who had always loved Logan. The key had been Ryan Mitchell.

He doesn't know which is worse: The fact that Logan's father helped him remember or that he, Kendall, could have prevented him from ever getting his memory back. It was his idea to hide the truth from Logan. What if he never slipped up and yelled at Logan about Ryan Mitchell? Odds are that someone would have told him eventually, but it's still Kendall's fault that he was so lost and confused for as long as he was.

"Kendall?" Logan questions, obviously not for the first time. "Are you okay?"

He shakes free of his more negative thoughts and smiles over at Logan. "Yeah, I'm good, Logie. Sorry about that. What's up?"

"I was wondering if you thought we should call James and Carlos yet," Logan repeats questioningly. "I have some things I want to talk about with them here too. Is that okay?"

"Yeah, sure!" Kendall nods eagerly, hoping that Logan is once again blind to his distress. It's not 100% Logan, but it's almost easier this way. Kendall hates showing his weakness to anyone, but especially Logan. He's not sure if he really likes Logan thinking he's okay, but it's not like he's going to volunteer the truth either. "I'll call them," he adds, waving his cell phone in the air.

Minutes later of course, James and Carlos ahead letting themselves in, both of them nearly bouncing off the walls in anticipation of organ remembering something else. Even once they discover that they're there to fill in the blanks, they can't seem to stop smiling.

"So," Carlos says, sitting down and staring so intently at Logan that James laughs at him.

"So?" Logan waits, leaning away from Carlos' gaze. He smiles when James laughs.

"So, what do you want to know?" Carlos asks impatiently. "What did you dream?"

"Lots of stuff," Logan answers, looking suddenly confused. "Sometimes I knew it was real and other times. . . I wasn't so sure. I just need some help separating what is real from what isn't."

"Tell us then!" James suggests. "Start from the beginning. What was one of the first dreams that you had?"

Logan launches into a story that, from what Kendall can tell, is half memory and half imagining. Some of the details are incorrect, but for the most part, Logan seems to have it coming together even more.

"We used to fight over the red Power Ranger," Carlos is correcting him very gently right now. "Red has always been your favorite color and it used to be mine too. Plus, the Red Ranger was always the leader like Kendall so that's another reason you liked him best."

Kendall and Logan both turn bright red at that particular reminder. Bashfully, Logan rubs the back of his neck and tries to change the subject. "So what is your favorite color now, Carlos?" he asks.

"Green," Carlos answers. "But the Red Ranger is still my favorite. I still have the one you gave me for Christmas when we were seven."

"That was Santa," Logan mutters. But then he grins, proud of himself for remembering.

"I'd give it back," Carlos explains. "but it's always meant a lot to me. . . you giving it to me like you did."

Logan laughs. "Keep it, I'm fine, Carlos. I never missed it after giving it to you. It was just a toy, and you were- are my best friend."

He turns unexpectedly to James, staring at him in concentration. "Jay," he begins thoughtfully. "is it you who's allergic to bee stings?"

"Got it," James replies, pointing at him. "I was eight when we found out, remember that?"

Logan nods and says, "It was your eighth birthday party to be exact," he recalls. "We were having a big family picnic thing at the pond. Carlos' uncle brought his speedboat and Mom made your favorite brownies. Kendall and I were trying to teach Katie how to swim and you and Carlos were eating watermelon. You were covered in juice and you got stung."

Despite the less than fantastic memory, James is clearly delighted by the attention to detail Logan is giving it. "You were the only one who didn't panic," he says admiringly. "You called 911 and told them what happened when my mom and dad were freaking out over me having trouble breathing."

"I was scared though," Logan tells him honestly. "When I knew you were going to be okay, I went right home from the hospital with my dad and told him that I needed to learn CPR in case it happened to you again and an ambulance couldn't get to us in time."

"Somehow that doesn't surprise me," Kendall comments, looking at Logan with undisguised pride. "You've always been one to look out for everyone else."

Logan snorts. "You're one to talk, Kendall," he shoots back. "What about the time when we were fourth grade and you got in a fight with a bunch of sixth graders because they called me "four eyes" when I wore my glasses."

"That never happened," Kendall denies. He pauses and then smirks. "We were in third grade and they were on seventh."

Logan rolls his eyes. "You're not allowed to call me out on being protective when you're the one who loses all good sense for the sake of protecting everyone else."

Leaning back in his chair, Kendall meets Logan's brown eyes in a steady gaze. "Actually, I think my good sense comes from protecting you." Except for his most recent attempt. But he can't bring that up. Not yet.

Carlos changes the subject thankfully when he hands Logan a rather well worn photograph and says, "My dad wants to come by later if that's okay. But he wanted me to show this to you to see if it does anything for you." He watches Logan expectantly, dark brown eyes wide with hope.

Kendall sits up to see better, peering over Logan's shoulder. He bursts out laughing at the sight of Mr. Garcia handcuffed to his own patio chair with his own pair of handcuffs while what must be a six year old Logan and Carlos dig around in the nearby sandbox. "When did this happen?" he asks in amazement.

James and Carlos are laughing too, while Logan looks mortified. "I dropped the keys in the sandbox," he squeaks out in a whisper. "Kendall, you and James were both home because Carlos and I got the chicken pox at the same time and the four of us weren't allowed to see each other. My dad was gone for the weekend and I was staying at Carlos'. Papa took us outside to play a little bit since we were going stir crazy sitting around inside and we handcuffed him to the chair."

"And you dropped the keys in the sandbox," James repeats, laughing even harder. "How long did it take you to find them?"

"We never did," Carlos chuckles. "My mom wound up calling Luke to free him. He brought over this really sharp knife and she absolutely flipped out. She thought for sure that he was going to slice my dad's hand off."

Kendall studies the picture even closer. "You were just seven when you got the chicken pox, right?" So he's a little off.

"Yup," Carlos nods. "That was the last time my dad let us play with his handcuffs."

"I can't say I blame him," James says, shaking his head and wiping tears of laughter out of his eyes. "Man, I wish I could have been there, chicken pox or not."

"I can't believe your dad didn't get mad at us," Logan says in amazement. "I mean, it was just the three of us and we spent an hour looking for the keys until your mom finally came home and called Luke."

"Carlos takes after his dad," Kendall tells him. "They almost never get angry, but when they do, you don't want the one to be on their bad side. Remember when he caught that guy red handed as he was trying to steal  
all their bikes? He was just taking them right out of the Garcias' shed and loading them into the back of his pick-up truck. In the middle of the day!"

"I was scared of him for two weeks after that," James confesses. "I knew he was a cop and occasionally beat up bad guys, but it's one thing to know something and another thing to actually see it happen."

"My dad would never hurt anyone unless they were doing something really wrong though," Carlos says quickly, in case they're painting Logan's faded memory with images he doesn't need.

Kendall glances over at Logan who had become suddenly quiet and thoughtful looking. "Hey, buddy?" he says curiously. "Everything okay?"

Logan, deep in thought, barely seems to acknowledge Kendall at all. "I don't know," he admits after an uncomfortably long stretch of silence. "It's something I dreamed about that I'm remembering now because- well, because. It wasn't a happy dream like the others though. It was. . . scary."

Concerned, Kendall touches him on the shoulder. "What is it, Logie?" he presses gently. "You can tell us and we'll help you like we have been."

Logan blows out a shaky breath and looks Kendall in the eye. Practically his whole body is trembling with nerves as he asks in a barely audible whisper, "Did my dad ever hit me?"

**A/N. Cliffhanger because it's been way too long. I'll update soon though! In the meantime, thank you all for your wondrous support and encouragement. I'm always glad to hear from you guys and it means so much to me to know that you're enjoying this story. I hope you liked this chapter as well. Thank you very much for reading and I hope you all have a wonderful week! **


	16. An Unwanted Truth

**A/N. It's past 3 am and there is literally no way I can say anything intelligent. Except for the fact that i apologize for all the dumb spelling mistakes in the last chapter. I had two drafts, one with mistakes and one I had proofread, and i submitted the wrong one. Hopefully this one turned out better.**

Kendall can count on one hand the amount of times that he's been at a loss for words. Being rendered speechless just isn't something that happens to Kendall, especially when it has something to do with someone close to him. But now, all he can do is stare at Logan, his mind racing at a million miles an hour while the connection between his brain and his mouth seems to be nonexistent.

Katie and Carlos are far from silent however. Katie is in tears, not from joy like she was earlier or the day before. These tears are far from happy. Kendall catches a glimpse of her terrified, grief-stricken face before she hides it from them behind shaking hands. Carlos is almost crying himself, but he's trying to hold onto that slim hope that it's just a dream and not a real memory.

"What happened?" he demands in a choked whisper. "What happened in your dream, Logan?"

Logan looks completely horrified at the result of his question. His eyes dart all around the room, staring at everyone. "I-I don't know," he says falteringly. "It was k-kind of a b-blur. It wasn't j-just one time, it was like this mini m-montage."

"Montage," Kendall repeats, finding his voice. "What do you mean montage, Logan? Like it happened more than once?"

"Kendall," his mother says gently. She touches his shoulder and then looks over at Logan. "Logan, look at me, sweetheart. Tell us what you remember in your dream."

Her voice is calm and quiet, soothing to Logan even though it isn't to Kendall. Logan takes a deep breath and tries to explain. "I just. . . last night before I fell asleep, I was thinking about my dad. He seemed to be the key to me getting memory back yesterday so I thought that I might remember even more if I concentrated on him."

Kendall can feel guilt fighting for a place in his heart along with fear, hurt, confusion, anger and jealousy. He doesn't understand anything. Why was Logan thinking about his dad before he went to sleep? Why hasn't he told anyone about his father's apparent abuse?

"I don't know how old I was," Logan admits, and Kendall refocuses back on his brother, listening intently. "I just remember him being angry and. . . me being scared. And it. . . it hurt."

"Why didn't you ever tell us though?" Carlos asks shakily. "Logan, did this really happen?"

Looking pressured, Logan runs a hand through his hair and shrugs helplessly. "I don't- I don't know." He looks at them hopefully. "Maybe it didn't. Maybe it was just a dream. That's possible, right? Don't I tell you everything?"

"I thought you did," Kendall replies quietly. "but now I'm not so sure."

He regrets it the instant the words are out of his mouth and the hurt flashes across Logan's face. But at the same time, anger, directed at a dead Ryan Mitchell, has no place to go except at Logan. As hard as Kendall tries to rein his temper in, he knows he's failing.

"Logan, this can't be a real memory," he says, shaking his head. "It doesn't make any sense. Your dad was a loser yeah, but-"

"Stop calling him that," Logan protests weakly. "It's not fair because-"

"Logan, you're saying that your dad used to hit you!" Kendall shouts, the tension rising at an unavoidable rate. "You know what's not fair? The fact that your dad might have been abusing you when you wasn't neglecting you. The fact that you didn't tell anyone. Why? Because you didn't trust us?"

"Kendall," his mother steps in a tries to intervene.

"We've given you everything, Logan, and the one thing we wanted in return was for you to trust us. How do we know anything now? Is there anything else that you haven't told us?"

"Kendall, please-"

Even the sound of Logan practically in tears can't stop Kendall. Not yet anyway. "I'm just wondering, Logan. Because all this time I thought you told us everything. I thought you trusted us. And now we find out that you were hiding the most important part of your life from us!"

"Kendall, that is enough!" Mrs. Knight raises her voice. "This isn't helping anything. I want you to sit back down and stay quiet while we sort everything out. You getting angry is only making things worse right now."

It's only when his mother snaps at him that Kendall can really see again. Then he sees Logan crying and everything stops. "Logan," he says, forgetting his anger for the time being. "Logan, I'm sorry."

He reaches out and for an instant, Logan flinches away. Kendall catches his breath. Not again. They just got over this. Refusing to give up right away, Kendall tries again and sighs in relief when this time, Logan lets him put a hand on his shoulder. "I'm sorry," he repeats.

"It's okay," Logan says forgivingly. He drags a hand over his eyes, wiping away tears. "You were angry. I just- Kendall, maybe it's not real. Maybe it was just a dream."

He's been saying that, but the more he does, the easier it is to believe him. He doesn't remember his dad like he used to and anything can happen in dreams. All he's heard is bad things about his dad. The longer Kendall thinks about it, the more it all starts to make sense.

Except for James. Because James hasn't said a single word since Logan's question. Kendall turns to look at his friend and feels his heart sink. James is crying. Not like Katie or Carlos with the fear and uncertainty. He looks about eight years old and truly heartbroken.

"Jay," Kendall says gently. "James, listen to me. Logan is right. It could have been just a dream. It makes sense if you think about it because-"

"No," James interrupts, shaking his head. "It's not just a dream. I'm almost positive that it isn't. It's real."

Silence. Finally, Mrs. Knight steps in again. "James," she says, trying to sound calm and quiet. "What are you talking about, honey? How do you know that Logan's dream is a memory?"

James looks up at them and the expression on his face is something Kendall will never ever forget. The image is burned into his mind for the rest of his life. His hazel eyes, usually lit up with a fiery passion, are filled with a childlike horror that has been well hidden for years. "Because," he whispers, sounding eerie and trancelike. "I used to think it happened. The. . . abuse."

"What are you talking about?" Kendall asks him, feeling sick to his stomach. He's never seen James look so upset or frightened before. Not even after Logan's accident when they were in the hospital. There's something about this fear that's different and scares even Kendall.

"When we were eight or nine," James says faintly. "Logan stayed home sick from school for two or three days straight, remember? The first day, I volunteered to take his homework to him so I could ask him a quick question about something i didn't understand in school."

Next to Kendall, Logan sits up straighter in his chair, eyes widening. "James-"

"What happened?" Kendall demands, before Logan can say anything else. He leans forward and grabs James' arm, holding onto him tightly so he can't move. "James," he pleads. "What happened that day?"

James is shaking so badly that Kendall is almost afraid he's going to have a seizure. His face is unnaturally pale and he can't look anyone in the eye. "You came downstairs," he says to Logan while staring the table. "and you opened the front door, but not all the way. I could hardly see you."

Finally. Finally, James looks up, but only at Logan. It's like no one else is even there. "You were acting so weird. . . your voice. . .it sounded so different. I never saw anything, but something just wasn't right."

His voice fades into a whisper that they can barely hear. "And then after that. . . after that I would sometimes hear you. . . crying at night. Like when we had sleepovers. I've always had trouble, sleeping, remember that? Sometimes I'd be laying awake and. . . you would cry. . . and say things."

_What kind of things? _Kendall wants to scream. This can't be happening. They're just starting to get things back to the way they should. Logan's memory is coming back and even though not all of those memories are good, how can they be this bad? How can they be real?

"You would say things like, "Please stop," and "Don't" and "I'm sorry." I tried to wake you up once or twice, but you pulled away and you just seemed so scared that I didn't want to keep trying. I didn't want to scare you more, Logan. You were already so scared and so sad and I wanted to help you, but I couldn't. I tried and I-"

"James honey, I need you to calm down and take a deep breath," Mrs. Knight moves from Logan's side to James' and a hand on his shoulder. But James is past the point of immediate comfort. He's crying too hard to speak now, but trying to choke out some sort of apology.

Kendall feels Katie crawl into his lap and unconsciously, he wraps his arms around her and holds her tightly, as if to shield her from a disaster that no one saw coming. "I'm sorry," he says, echoing James' apology with no idea of who he's apologizing to at the moment. All he knows is that he's sorry for everything and there's no way that he can make any of it up. There's no going back. They can only move forward. He just wishes that he knew how.

"Listen to me," he can hear his mother saying to James.

"It's all my fault," James says, shaking his head. "I should have said something that first day, but I didn't. I was scared and confused and what if I was wrong? I would have caused so much trouble and it would have all been for nothing. But. . . but now. . . I just made it worse."

"It's my fault," Logan breaks in, unable to take his eyes off his shattered friend. "James. . . you were eight, what were you supposed to say? You. . . you didn't even know for sure."

Kendall wishes he could be eight so he could hold his hands over his ears. This is it. Logan and James are confirming Ryan Mitchell's abuse of Logan. They've gone from questioning it to confirming it. It's true. It really happened. Logan was abused by his father.

An icy cold steals over Kendall, making it difficult for him to breathe right. His mind is trying to process the awful truth and he holds Katie and watches his mother try to comfort both James and Logan at the same time.

Logan suddenly moves towards James who nearly falls backwards. "James," he whispers. "James, don't do this."

"But it's my fault," James repeats, shaking his head violently. "I could have stopped it. I should have stopped it, Logan. All I needed to do was say something and instead I put you through six years of hell because I was too cowardly to speak up. I wouldn't blame you if you hated me. . . if all of you hated me. I hate myself."

Again, Logan reaches out to James, this time succeeding in wrapping his arms around his older friend. "I don't hate you," he murmurs quietly. "I could never hate you, James."

Kendall watches James slowly return the embrace and hold Logan so gently that it's as if he's made of glass. As if he still has bruises. He watches as his friend look at him from over Logan's shoulder, his hazel eyes full of pained regret. He's asking him, Kendall, if he hates him.

Of course he is. It's a logical question to ask. But the answer is just as logical to Kendall. He looks James straight in the eye and slowly, but firmly shakes his head. No. There's no way. He's not going to hate James for Ryan Mitchell's sins.

James practically melts in relief and looks like he might cry. Kendall opens his mouth to say something, but is stopped when his mother speaks first.

"Where is Carlos?" She stands up from James' side and looks around the room. "Did anyone see him leave?"

"I'm here," Carlos walks back into the room, his face strangely blank. "Sorry. I had to leave for a minute." He holds up his cell phone and in a scared tone of voice that Kendall never wants to hear from him again, says, "I called my dad."

**A/N. It's extremely short, but the next chapter should be a lot longer. In the meantime, thank you for reading and get some sleep for me! Have a nice week, guys!**


	17. Blame

**A/N. Hi, everyone! I'm going to the shore for a few days so I won't be able to update until Sunday at the earliest. Hopefully this one can hold you over! Lauren helped me write it (she also stayed up until 3 to help me with the last chapter!) and she is to blame for at least half of the angst here, so you can be in awe of her angsty talents as well. :) Thanks again, Lauren!**

**Lauren's note: Hello Laura's readers! Please direct any anger towards me, (WyszLo), as I was a terrible influence on Laura during this chapter. She suggested Logan dreaming of abuse and I turned it into this. Now enjoy and leave my soul mate a fabulous review once you've finished!**

Carlos isn't sure why he called his father. He's the chief police officer in their small Minnesota town, but for once not even he can do anything. Logan's abusive past is just that; in the past. Ryan Mitchell has been dead for nearly three years. He can't be punished. Logan can't be protected. It's all too late. They're too late.

But there's something about his father that makes everything at least a little better. Carlos' belief in this one fact is reinforced when Mr. Garcia walks through the door with Luke right behind him and the atmosphere in the room instantly becomes easier to handle. Within minutes, the two men have James and Logan calmed down so that they've stopped shaking so terribly, and Katie is no longer hiding her face in Kendal's shirt. She's still crying though, tears of sorrow sliding down her pale cheeks quicker than she can wipe them away.

Mr. Garcia surveys everyone in the room, one hand on his son's shoulder. Carlos can feel his strength in the reassuring grip he has on him, and he takes a deep breath, trying to get himself under control. Though they haven't said anything, he can tell that Luke and his dad are both extremely anxious to know why he called them. He doesn't want to be the one to break the news, but he will if no one else speaks up soon. "Dad-" he begins.

"Carlos, this isn't an emergency," Mrs. Knight interrupts shakily, and it takes Carlos a few seconds to realize that she's talking to his father and not him. "I'm afraid that there's nothing you can do right now, at least not in the immediate future." She hasn't cried over this yet, but it's plain to see that she's close as she moves to Logan's side and places a trembling hand on top of his head. "But you're here because you're both family and you need to know. I just- I don't know how to tell you this."

Carlos doesn't have to look at his dad to know that he's even more concerned now. "What do you mean, Jen?" he asks gently, his voice calm and steady to anyone who doesn't know him. Carlos knows him. He can hear thinner layer of fear in the question. "What's wrong? Is it Logan?"

From his seat at the table, Logan cringes at the mention of his name. "I'm sorry," he whispers.

Carlos is incredulous. What could Logan possibly be apologizing for? For not telling them that his dad abused him? The others might be shocked and confused, but Carlos understands. Logan is far too selfless for his own good. If Ryan Mitchell pushed his son away with his neglect and. . . abuse, Logan would try to cling to him by defending him no matter what. "Logie, don't say that," he finds his voice and leans forward to get his best friend's attention. "It's not your fault."

"What's not his fault?" Luke asks, impatience flooding his voice. He doesn't mean anything by it. He just handles things differently than his older, more mature boss. Carlos loves Luke. He only has to look at him to know what Kendall is going to be like in the future. He's not an official part of their family, but he might as well be. He cares for Logan as much as anyone else in the room.

"Ryan Mitchell. . ." Mrs. Knight starts, and then immediately trails off when Logan covers his face with his hands. "Sweetie-"

"Ryan Mitchell what?" Luke demands, sounding eerily like Kendall.

"He abused Logan!" Kendall shouts, making them all jump in alarm. Kendall stands up, slamming both of his hands on the wooden surface of the table. He doesn't even wince at the forceful contact that his injured hand makes. "He used to hit him! He hurt Logan and Logan never told us! But you know what's even worse? The fact that we should have known and we didn't. We should have seen something, noticed something, anything! But we didn't! We were blind and deaf and oblivious. We could have protected Logan and we failed him!"

James is crying again, but no one notices right away. They've gone from staring at Kendall during his outburst to watching Mr. Garcia and Luke, waiting for their reactions. Carlos doesn't want to see it, but he can't look away. He watches the color drain from his father's face, watches him stagger forward a step and lean over to hold himself upright with the table. Luke turns and walks away to the other side of the kitchen, both hands running through his blond hair and making it stand on all ends. He speaks first, with his back turned towards everyone else. "What?"

Again, Carlos isn't surprised. Just because they're policemen doesn't mean that they can't be shocked. And this is by far the most shocking thing any of them could ever imagine. Who wants to believe it? "Logan had a dream last night," he offers, trying to be helpful. "and today he asked us if. . . he asked us if his dad ever hit him."

Luke turns back to them quickly, hope springing in his blue eyes. "It was a dream?" he asks. "Maybe that's all it was. Maybe it was-" he breaks off abruptly when he sees James shaking his head.

"I knew," James confesses, his voice shaking so hard that it's hard to understand him. He stammers out the same exact story he told everyone else earlier. He tells them about being eight years old and taking homework to a sick Logan, only to sense that Logan wasn't sick and that something else was wrong. He tells them about the nights he couldn't sleep while everyone else was passed out and stuck in their dreams. He tells them how often he heard Logan crying in his sleep on those nights, saying words that confused and terrified James. "I didn't know what to do," he whispers his eyes full of grief. "Everyone thought that his dad was too busy to pay attention to him and he never said otherwise. I was scared that I'd be wrong and that Logan would hate me for accusing his dad of. . . you know."

"But I was right," James continues, and Carlos can see right now that there is no way he's ever going to forgive himself. Not even a little bit. "I was right and it's my fault that Logan put up with it for so long. If I had said something, then I could have helped. But I didn't and I'm so sorry, I'm really sorry, I-"

"James," Luke says in a strained voice. "You were eight years old when it started. Just a little kid. You didn't know for sure."

"What if it was really bad?" James asks, nearing hysteria. "What if he really hurt him? What if he killed him and it was all because I was too stupid and too scared to say anything? What then?"

Carlos wishes he could give James another answer other than the silence that takes over everyone in the room. Why isn't there anything he can say? "James," he tries. "James, don't-"

"James, listen to me," Luke says quietly. "This is not your fault. You were eight years old. That's too young to know the signs of abuse. Even when you grew up and heard him crying, why would you really think that he was being hurt? Logan never acted like Ryan hurt him. If anything, he did the exact opposite. He craved his father's attention, he wasn't scared of it."

"But-"

Luke shakes his head. "You were a little kid, James. I'm surprised you suspected anything so young. But aside from that one particular day and Logan crying, did you have any reason to believe that he was abused?"

James pauses and takes a deep breath. "I- no? I mean, I knew something was wrong, that first day, but I didn't know what. Then when we were older and I'd hear him crying at night. . . the things he would say. . . and he had bruises once in a while, but I thought they were from hockey."

"Most of them were from hockey," Logan says softly.

"Most?" Carlos hasn't heard his father speak since the announcement and the sound of his voice now scares him. He's never heard his dad sound so broken.

Logan looks like he feels the same way. He seems smaller, shrinking back into his chair. "I thought that if I loved him no matter what and gave him everything I could. . . I thought that he would love me back. But he didn't." Logan's voice breaks and he starts to cry again. But not from the fear and regret of having everyone find out his secret. This time he's crying from a grief that he's held secret for years. "He either ignored me or he hit me and I didn't know what I was doing wrong, because I tried everything, I really did. But he-"

"Logan, come here." Carlos watches his father go to Logan and take him into his arms. The second he has him, Mr. Garcia holds onto Logan like everyone else in the room wants to: Like he'll never let go. "I'm so sorry, son. I didn't know, but I should have. I should have known."

Everybody is broken Carlos realizes. Everybody. They were broken before and had just started to put themselves back together again. He doesn't know how they can fix this though. Even his dad is crying. He isn't supposed to cry.

His dad is rocking Logan back and forth, whispering a tearful apology over and over again. Katie seems to be out of tears and is leaning against her mother. Instinctively, Carlos moves to James to make sure he's okay.

Of course he's not okay. None of them are okay. Logan was being abused by his father and they didn't do anything about it. They didn't know and so they let it happen. They let Logan be crushed and neglected and beaten by his very own father. It didn't matter that they did it unintentionally. It happened. That's all that matters and that's all anyone will ever be able to think of from now on.

Then it occurs to Carlos, that maybe he doesn't matter right now. Maybe James and Kendall don't matter right now. Maybe no one, except Logan, matters right now. Logan should be the only person who matters right now, even if they're all hurting. They failed him tremendously, but they're going to fail him all over again if they get stuck playing the blame game for too long. They don't need to be focusing on their mistakes in the past. That's not going to do Logan any good. It's making things worse actually, because all Logan needs is to know that he's loved.

Carlos looks over James' shoulder and sighs in relief when he sees that his dad is still holding Logan and still rocking him. But he's not apologizing anymore. Because that's not what Logan needs to hear, and Carlos' dad knows that. Instead, he's saying, "I love you. I love you. I love you." over and over again.

Out of the corner of his eye, Carlos sees Kendall stand up and walk out of the room. His chest tightens up in anxiety. Kendall hates it when other people, especially Logan, see him cry. That's why he's leaving. Biting his lip, Carlos wonders if he should leave James and go after his other friend. Before he can decide however, Luke gets up too. He follows the retreating Kendall out of the kitchen. Carlos can't seem them anymore, but he hears the front door open and fall shut. They're outside on the porch.

They'll be okay, Carlos decides. Luke and Kendall share the same protective nature. Back home on Boston, Luke has a younger brother. He understands the bond between Kendall and Logan. He knows the torture that Kendall is putting himself through. He's going through it himself. Then again, aren't they all? Nevertheless, Carlos is confident that he is where he needs to be. They all are.

They're his family. All of them. Not just his dad. Family isn't about the blood that runs through a person's veins. It's about the heart of a person and who that heart beats for. Carlos' heart beats for everyone who is sharing in his agony right now. That's what families do. They don't just rejoice together. They suffer together as well. And right now, they're suffering. A lot.

This is his family, Carlos looks around the room and thinks about Luke and Kendall outside. They're far from perfect. They're messed up and beaten down and broken. But they're something else. Something that trumps all the tears and the heartache. This family, Carlos thinks as he lets James hug him, is after all this time, still good.

* * *

Kendall can tell that Luke is right behind him, but he doesn't turn around. He walks straight toward the front door and shoves it open. Once he's outside, he takes a deep breath, collapses on the front porch, and cries.

He waits for Luke. Waits for the young man to put a hand on his shoulder and say something that's supposed to be comforting. Kendall has looked up to Luke all his life, but not even he can make this better. He sits on the step and cries, mentally preparing himself to refuse a comfort he doesn't deserve.

The comfort never comes.

Instead, Kendall jumps when he hears a sickening crack. He turns around, nearly falling off the step when he moves too quickly. "What-" he starts to asks, and then stops and stares.

Luke is bent over, right hand gripping his left as he stumbles away from the brick wall near the door. He sits down next to Kendall, still not acknowledging him and hisses in pain.

"Did you. . . just punch my house?" It's the dumbest question ever and Kendall feels even dumber when he adds, "It's made of brick."

"I know. . . it's made. . . of brick," Luke gasps out. "I just wanted to hit something. Did you ever get that feeling?"

Wordlessly, Kendall holds up his bandaged hand. "I punched my bedroom wall the other day because I scared Logan," he tells Luke after a moment of silence. "It wasn't a brick wall though."

"Yeah, unfortunately, it didn't make me feel any better." Luke winces as he tries to flex his hand. A wry smile crosses his face. "Broken."

Kendall can relate. Maybe not his hand, but the rest of him feels pretty broken. His mind. His heart. His soul. "Why?" he asks, knowing that Luke will know what he means.

Luke is quiet at first, for so long that Kendall almost repeats because Luke always has something to say. But eventually, he runs his uninjured hand through his hair and sighs. "Kendall, there isn't going to be another day in my life where I don't ask myself that question. Why didn't I ask Logan? Why didn't I look into it more? Why didn't I ask around? Why didn't I trust my instincts? Why didn't I stop it?"

"I mean, you were still just a kid when it was happening. I was an adult. I knew something was wrong and I didn't follow up on it. A police officer too. I'll never forgive myself. I should have known."

"I grew up with Logan," argues Kendall. "I grew up knowing that his dad changed after Mrs. Mitchell died. I knew it broke his heart and destroyed him. Luke, if you saw the kind of dad he used to be-"

"I did," Luke says quietly. "The night of the storm. My first day on the force. When we met. I caught a glimpse of the parent Logan deserved. Sure, he wasn't there when he should have been. But when he came, his focus was Logan and only Logan. Logan was the only other person in the world as far as Ryan Mitchell was concerned that night."

"He was a great dad and I don't know why he gave up on it, but he didn't just give up on himself, he gave up on Logan too. He hurt Logan. All I saw was a man too wrapped up in his own grief to care about his son, when in reality, I was just blind to the monster that had come to exist. How could I have been so blind?"

"Why didn't Logan tell us?" Kendall asks when Luke stops for breath. "All he talked about back there was not doing enough to be loved by his dad, but why didn't we do enough to be trusted by him? Where did we go wrong? Where did I go wrong?"

"That's what happens when you're someone's hero, Kendall," Luke whispers. "You promise to watch over them and take care of them, but you just can't protect them from everything. It doesn't matter if something is beyond your control, you'll still do your best and then die when you fail." He watches a car drive past the house, but somehow Kendall can sense that he doesn't seem them. He's not all there. "My little brother, Noah, is a lawyer. You know that, right?"

Kendall nods. They've never met Noah, but he hopes that one day they will. Luke has nothing but praise for him, so that means that he's awesome.

"You know my dad left us when we were little," Luke continues, apparently forgetting about his broken hand. "I was the oldest and I was determined to be the man of the house. Everyone looked up to me, especially Noah. He idolized me. He was two years younger than me, and I thought for sure that he trusted me enough to tell me everything. I was wrong."

"When I was a freshman in college, my mom called me from home. A couple of my brother's classmates beat him up so badly that he wound up in the hospital. I couldn't believe it. What made it even worse was that these same guys had been beating Noah up since seventh grade. And he never told me. He was ashamed of not being able to fix it himself and even though I got that, what I didn't understand was that he let it get so out of hand without asking anyone for help. Without asking me for help."

"I was in college, learning about law enforcement so I could do what I'm doing now. After what happened to my brother, I was even more determined to "get the bad guys." I thought I could erase my guilty conscious. I thought I could become a better protector, not just for Noah, but for everyone. And now. . . right in front of my face all over again."

"The thing is, Kendall," Luke turns to look at him and Kendall flinches at the intensity in his eyes. "I've come to accept over the years that I'm only human. As much as I love to be the hero and save the day, I can't be a superhero and save the world. I can't protect the people I love all the time. I know that, Kendall, but you know what else? I'm not okay with that. I'm not okay with it at all."

Kendall stares back at Luke, surprised and somewhat terrified to see himself staring back at him. It's not just his reflection though. It's another awful truth, one he's been running from for years, and one he can hide from for no longer. "I'm not okay with it either," he whispers.

**A/N. Okay, that was depressing. Just when things were getting happy again too! :( But don't worry, things should ease up in the next chapter. This story is wrapping up in case anyone was wondering. :) Anyway, thank you very much for reading and I hope you all have a wonderful weekend! **

**Shout out to Lauren who is posting this chapter for me. Thank you, soulmate! Love it!**

**Lauren's note: If you haven't, check out Laura's other story Miracle of the Moment and hit up chapters 10 and 15 to learn the back story behind Kendall and Luke's conversation. Now please leave a review for Laura, but remember to direct bad feelings towards me. **


	18. Love

**A/N. Hey, howdy hey! It's 4:30 in the morning and I have a long day ahead of me. But I am very pleased with this chapter. It's very long so bless you if you read it all, you're amazingly patient. **

The sunlight streaming in from the window warms Logan's face and starts to pull him out of his sleepy haze. He opens his eyes and blinks tiredly. A yawn nearly cracks his jaw. He starts to stretch and turns his head to the left only to nearly have a heart attack. "Kendall!"

Kendall backs off just before his head collides with Logan's and nearly falls off the bed. Instantly, his face is bright red as he reaches out to grab Logan's arm and steady him just in case. "Sorry!" he exclaims hastily. "I didn't mean to scare you."

"How would you feel of you woke up and found me staring at you from two inches away?" Logan grumbles. But as he sits up slowly, he's smiling. He can see the relief and happiness in Kendall's eyes that comes from his recognition of him. "Hey, bro," he says softly.

A wide grin spreads across Kendall's face. "Hey yourself, birthday boy."

It's his birthday? Logan hastily tries to cover up any surprise on his face that might send Kendall into a panic attack. "It's July 28th already?" he asks. He knows when his birthday is, he's just really surprised that they've gotten there already.

"Yup!" Kendall nods, seemingly unfazed by Logan's brief confusion. That's good. "How does it feel to be seventeen?"

Logan laughs at him. "You sound like your grandma," he teases. "She always asks all of us that."

Kendall smiles. "Who's grandma?" he asks, raising one eyebrow questioningly.

Now it's Logan's turn to blush. "_Our_ grandma," he says softly.

Kendall's smile widens and he gently tousles Logan's hair. "That's better," he says in satisfaction as he stands up. "So are you ready to get started? James and Carlos and everyone else will be here at lunchtime to celebrate. We have a great party planned out to help you remember, Logan. I can't wait-"

"Kendall, hang on," Logan grabs Kendall's wrist and stops him. Biting his lip, he stares at Kendall closely, seeing past the happy excitement in his green eyes and recognizing the hidden sorrow and guilt.

"What is it?" Kendall asks him, oblivious to his concern. "Are you okay, Logan? Are you feeling sick? You don't have a headache, do you? What-"

"Kendall!" Logan cuts in. He sighs and rolls his eyes. "You're impossible sometimes, did you know that? I feel fine, I promise. I'm just. . ." Logan trails off and resumes his nervous habit of chewing his bottom lip. "Are you okay?"

His question has caught Kendall off guard, he can tell right away. Frowning, the blond sits back down next to him. "Of course I'm okay, Logan," he says quietly. "Why wouldn't I be?"

"Because of what happened the other day," Logan replies, hating to bring it up again. "I know you're not okay, Kendall. No one is and it's all my fault."

"Your fault?" Kendall repeats, letting out a disbelieving laugh. "How was any of that your fault, Logan? We were the ones who didn't see it when it was happening. We were the ones who let it happen. How is that your fault?"

"I should have told you," Logan confesses, a familiar ache growing deep inside of his chest. "I was just afraid that-"

"That's another thing," Kendall says mournfully without really realizing that he is interrupting Logan. "We should have been doing more so that you trusted us to help you. You were all alone in this, Logan, and I'll never forgive myself for-"

Sighing in frustration, Logan stands up and pulls Kendall back to his feet. "Come on," he says shortly. "We need to go talk about this with everyone."

"But Mom and Katie are the only ones here right now," Kendall protests. "Besides, it's your birthday, Logan. We should be-"

"Doing what I want to do," Logan finishes. "Exactly. Right now, Kendall, all I want to do is get this whole mess straightened out with everyone. I know you probably have this great plan to bring some memories back, but so do I. I have memories too and I want to share them with all of you. So let's get this party started, okay?"

Kendall can't exactly say no to that. Logan has him, hook, line, and sinker. Which means he has everyone else too, because no one else can even compare to Kendall's bullheaded stubbornness. The rest is easy after Kendall.

And they are easy. Within fifteen minutes, James and Carlos are over, along with Carlos' father and Luke. They start out with the usual "Happy birthday" pleasantries, but soon realize that Logan doesn't have the same plans as they do.

Logan gazes around the room at everyone seated around him. He takes a deep breath to calm himself and then resumes his pacing. Where to begin? He knows exactly what he wants to say to everyone, but how? His eyes rest on Kendall, see the nervous flicker there, and he makes his decision.

"Kendall," he says, surprised at the strength in his voice. "I don't even know what to say. I guess I could start off by saying that I'm sorry." Kendall naturally, opens his mouth to protest and Logan is quick to hold up a hand and silence him. "Hear me out, okay? I'm sorry for never telling you about what went on between my father and I. Looking back on it, I really regret it. I was stupid. I was stupid to look for love and affection in a man who was empty when you were standing right in front of me with more love as affection than I could possibly deserve."

"You were always there, Kendall. Always. Growing up, I admired you because you were always so strong and so brave. You always knew just what to say and do to get out of trouble. You were someone I knew I could always depend on to protect me. And I think that's sort of a reason I never told you the truth. I knew that if things turned really bad, you would be there whether you knew or not. It was like some unspoken law of the universe. No matter what, I knew I wasn't alone and that you were there for me. And it's still like that, Kendall."

Logan takes a deep breath and wipes at his eyes. He sniffs and tries to continue. "I don't know if you'll remember this. . . it came to me last night. Do you remember that time I came over at 10:30 at night and told you my dad had some business friends over?"

Kendall actually smiles a little and nods. "Of course I do," he says quietly. "I always will."

Logan shouldn't be so surprised. Of course Kendall remembers. "Right," he says with a sigh. "Well, I lied. I was nine and my dad had been. . . hurting me for about a year. He'd only done it two or three times and it never left a very serious mark. And he would always apologize afterwards and promise to never do it again. I believed him. But that night. . . that night he had been drinking. . . and he told me that it was the anniversary of him going out with my mother for the first time. He didn't touch me, but I was afraid. So I went to your house."

"I just wanted to feel safe that night. I was missing my mom and even my dad. I was scared of my dad and I felt so alone. I knew you would make me feel better just like you always did. So I went over your house and lied to you about what was going on. I told you I was lonely, which I guess was the only truth. I was lonely. I was alone."

Tears start to burn Logan's eyes, but he blinks them back. "Kendall, when I showed up at your house that night, you didn't question what I was doing there. You didn't ask me why I came without calling and you just accepted my explanation. I didn't even need one actually, I could have just shown up at your door and you would have been fine, no questions asked-"

"Maybe I should have asked questions though," Kendall whispers. "Not just that night, but every day and every night."

"Kendall," Logan sighs. He's rambling right now and needs to get to the point. "What I've been trying to say is that when I came to your house that night and told you I was lonely, you took me right in. And-" Logan stops for a second, his face starting to heat up. "And you let me sleep in bed with you. . . and you held me and told me it was going to be okay. . . and to not worry about nightmares because you would protect me from the monsters."

"But I didn't-" Kendall's voice breaks and Logan can see the utter devastation written all over his brother's face. "I didn't protect you from the real monsters, Logan."

"You've always been there for me. Even when you didn't know it," Logan insists, sitting down besides Kendall and touching his shoulder. "When you didn't even question me crawling into bed with you, that was the best gift you've ever given me. Just pure love and acceptance with no boundaries or expectations. It was more than I could ask for at the time, and the best part was that I didn't even need to ask."

"The thing is, Kendall," Logan tries to finish. "My dad hurt me, yeah, but I always had someone to run to. And more often than not, that person was you. You're not just my best friend and my brother, but when we were growing up and my dad was either ignoring me or beating me, I looked up to you. There was never a time when I was without a father figure, Kendall, and I have you to thank for that."

Kendall can only stare at Logan when he's finally done. The room is perfectly quiet except for the sound of everyone breathing and the occasional sniff. Kendall seems to be at a complete loss for words. He glances down, studying his shoes intently and at last comes up with, "Really?" in a shaky voice.

"Really," Logan says confidently. "You've all done so much for me, more than you could ever realize."

"We could have done more," Luke mutters under his breath.

"Maybe if you were all psychic and could read my mind," Logan says patiently. "Luke, you did more than your fair share of taking care of me. I remember when the guys stopped by my house with you. . . you acted like it wasn't a big deal, but that wasn't the last time you checked up on me."

Logan watches Kendall glance curiously over at Luke, and he grins. "I'd see your car going past my house every night. You live on the other side of town so I knew you were't just driving by on your way home."

"I knocked on the front door and talked to your dad a few times," Luke confesses. "You were either up in your room studying or at one of the other guys' houses. To tell you the truth, I was always glad when you weren't home. I knew it was better for you that way. I just didn't know how much better."

This isn't going the way Logan had hoped. He runs a hand through his hair and sighs. "Because I never said anything," he stresses for the umpteenth time. "And the. . . abuse. . . it was never terrible. He never hit me repeatedly. Just once, and then he'd realize what he was doing and apologize or sometimes just walk away. I almost never got bruises or anything, and when I did, I could blame it on hockey. It didn't happen so often that people would get suspicious."

"Luke, even though I was stupid and never said anything, I felt safe. Somehow I knew that I was safe, even if you weren't aware of what was gong on. I always had this feeling that if things got really bad, you would be there to help me. Seeing you drive by every night made me feel so safe. And it meant a lot that you cared so much to do that."

"I care about you, Logan," Luke tells him gently. "Sometimes I just wish you made it easier on us though. I can understand what you're saying and everything, but that doesn't mean I'm ready to forgive myself anytime soon. Kendall, James, and Carlos, and you were all boys when this was going on. There's only so much you could have said or done. I was a police officer and-"

"Luke, you weren't the only police officer," Carlos' father cuts in. "And I watched Logan grow up. I saw the man Ryan Mitchell was before his wife died. I know you saw him as a good father, but remember when you first met?"

"He was late picking Logan up," Luke snaps, his nerves fraying at the edges. "I remember. I don't think I could forget. He was late looking for his seven year old son when he was missing in the middle of a storm. That's a first impression that will stay with most people."

"But you've both taken such good care of me," Logan tells them again. "How many times do I have to say that? Even while I was shutting you out of the most important part of my life back then. . . you still took me in. All of you."

He turns to face his adoptive mother and Carlos' father, tears stinging his eyes and making it hard to see them. "Even when my mother died and my dad stopped being a dad. . . I always had parents. You guys. You're everything my mom didn't get to me and my dad didn't want to be. All those nights you insisted I stay at your house. . . all those times you told me I wasn't any any trouble. . . all the _love _you gave to me. You gave me somewhere to go, a safe havens, even if you didn't realize it. Every time I came over because of my dad you just accepted it and provided a place for me to go where I knew I would be safe."

"Papa," he hates the way his voice trembles. "Kendall hasn't been the only father figure in my life. Watching you with Carlos and all the girls. . . seeing how much you love them. . . and then knowing that for some reason, you love me just as much, it's kept me going. There were days and nights when my dad and I went without saying one word to each other and I'd go to bed feeling completely empty. But all I had to do was think of you."

"You were the first person I knew that I saw right after the accident," Logan absentmindedly traces the scar on his left wrist. "I was so scared that day and I wanted my mom so badly. Then you showed up and it was almost like you were meant to be there because as soon as I heard your voice, I knew everything I was going to be okay." A tear makes it past the barrier and slides down Logan's cheek. "I know my mom was already dead and I know that when I found out, nothing helped me feel better. But when I was surrounded by a bunch of strangers in that ambulance, I felt so alone. And then you were there and you held me and I felt so safe."

"It's always been like that with you. I've had someone to look up to. . . someone who, even now, lets me call him, "Papa" like we all did when we were little. I call you that not just because it reminds me of growing up with you around, but because I really do think of you as my father. You and Kendall and Luke have been men in my life whom I've looked up to. I admire everything that you stand for and everything that you do and. . . everything about you. If I'm ever a father, I hope to be at least half the father that you were to me because that would mean I would be a pretty good dad."

"Logan, look at me," Mr. Garcia says in that strong, powerful voice that Logan has come to love over the years. "You are going to be an amazing father. You're everything your father wasn't. You're strong, kind, selfless, you have such a good heart, even after everything that happened to you. You're going to find a woman fortunate enough to deserve you and you'll have a beautiful family together. All of your kids' friends are going to look at you and wish you could be their father too."

"If that actually happens," Logan says, forcing himself to speak around the growing lump in his throat. "it will be because of you."

Standing up, Logan leaves Kendall's side and walks into his father's arms. They're not related by blood and there are no adoption papers. But blood and writing, Logan has learned, does not define a family. Love does. And he's received nothing but love from Mr. Garcia.

"Thank you," he murmurs. "Thank you for helping me learn how to stand up for myself and for teaching me how to drive. Thanks for being proud of me and supporting me. Thank you for caring about me. Thank you for showing me what it means to be a father."

"I love you, Logan," he hears Mr. Garcia say. It sounds like he's crying too. "Thank you for being my son."

Logan slowly backs off, wiping at his eyes. Everyone looks like he feels, but he's not done talking yet. He takes a deep breath and walks over to sit at his mother's side. He reaches out and takes her hand. "Mom," he manages to whisper.

"Hi, baby," she whispers back, squeezing his hand.

Logan shuts his eyes briefly. He'd never admit it, not even to her, but he absolutely loves it when she calls him that. It brings back memories of his birth mother comforting him after a nightmare. Every bad thing in the world went away when his mother was there to hold him, and Mrs. Knight has the same effect on him years later.

"I was so scared after my dad died," he begins unsteadily. "I didn't know what was going to happen to me and I didn't want to leave you. I was terrified that they'd take me away from you and I'd never see you again. I should have know you wouldn't have let it happen."

She smiles at him, eyes so full of love that it makes his heart ache. "Not in a million years," she tells him quietly. "I would have fought for you with all I had and even then, if they tried to take you away, I wouldn't have given up. I would have packed you up along with Katie and Kendall and we would leave together. No matter what it took, I was determined to keep you. That day we signed those papers. . . Logan, I felt that kind of joy two other times in my life. When I first held Kendall in my arms and then when I first held Katie."

Logan is at a loss for words. "And here I was supposed to be telling you how much you mean to me," he chokes out. "I don't-"

"Take how much I might mean to you," she tells him. "and then multiply that by the biggest number you can imagine. Even that doesn't come close to how much I love you, Logan."

How can she possibly think she loves him more? Especially when she has given him everything and he can only hope to somehow repay her one day. Logan knows that there's nothing left he can say to her. She's already done it: Everything she's done for him and been to him. . . she's summed it all up. But he can still try to tell her that.

"Mom," he says tearfully. "I don't know if I'll ever understand how much you love me or why. But I do know that you love me and I've come to learn that I don't need to know why. Love isn't something we can ever really understand. We just have to accept it and give as much as we get. You taught me that."

She takes him into her arms and hold him then, pressing a kiss to the top of his head. "It means so much to me that I could teach you that, Logan. It's something I want all of children to know."

All her children. Not both meaning Katie and Kendall, but all meaning him too. Logan will never get over the wonderful feeling that hearing her refer to him as one of her own gives him. "I love you," he tells her, letting tears spill down his cheeks.

Of course she's right there to wipe away his tears. "I love you too, Logan. No matter where you go and what you do, I always will. I promise."

"I know," he replies, giving her the best gift she could ask for. No more questioning, no more second guessing or disbelief. He knows she'll always love him.

Out of the corner of his eye, Logan sees Katie watching him, and he reaches out with one hand to pull her into the hug as well. "And you. . . You are the most extraordinary twelve year old girl in the world and I love that you're my little sister."

Katie tries to laugh at him, but it sounds more like a sob. "I love that I'm your little sister too, Logan," she says to him. "But could I possibly give to you?"

Logan shakes his head in amazement. "What haven't you given me?" he asks. "You accepted me into your family with no questions, you love me like Kendall and Kendall an incredible person. You've taken care of me by being someone I could love and protect. Everyone is always taking care of me, and as much as I love it, I want to be like that for someone. Remember when you got sick at school and I came to pick you up?"

Katie nods and smiles. "Mom was at work and Kendall had a captains meeting with your hockey coach. I found out later that you skipped an exam so you could take me home right away. We went home and you tucked me into bed and made me soup."

"And we watched The Lion King until you fell asleep," Logan continues on with a smile. He glances over at Kendall and adds, "Then Kendall came home and made sure I wasn't getting sick too."

"You did get sick," Kendall reminds him with a grin. "and I got to take care of you."

"I know it might sound silly," Logan says apologetically. "But I really do love helping you, Katie. I love taking care of you."

"I love you taking care of me too, Logan," Katie assures him. "You and Kendall are the greatest big brothers ever."

To even be compared to Kendall is the greatest compliment Logan can ever dream of. But he can't let it get to his head. At least not now. He has much more important things to do. He gives Katie a quick kiss and thus her pony tail before turning to Carlos and James.

Carlos tries to smile at him, but his bottom lip trembles and Logan feels his heart crack a little bit. "I think it's the worst thing in the world when you cry," he confesses quietly. "You're like the sun, Carlos, and when you're sad it's like you go hide behind rain clouds and everyone misses you. When I couldn't remember anything. . . you were the one trying to keep everything together. You made me feel okay even though everything was such a disaster. That's how you've always made me feel."

"Carlos, every time I missed my mom or was upset about my dad or anything at all, you always made me feel better. Most of the time, you didn't even realize that I was upset because as soon as you showed up, I'd feel better. You never had to say or do anything. Sometimes you did though. You'd have this perfect timing whenever I didn't want to go home and face my dad. Out of the blue, you'd suggest doing something, going somewhere else, and you'd save me."

"i just want you to be happy, Logan," Carlos looks miserable and it makes Logan feel miserable. The sunshine is going away.

"I am happy, Carlos. Because of my mom and Papa and Luke and Kendall and Katie and James, and _you. _You make me happy, Carlos." Is he making things worse or better? Logan can't tell for sure.

"Are you really happy?" Carlos asks him, leaning forward and holding his breath as he waits for Logan's reply.

Logan feels guilt start to worm its way through his heart and he tries to squash it. It'd be hypocritical of him to let his guilt keep him from helping everyone. "The only thing I'm not happy about is keeping my secret from you. I was trying not to hurt you, but now I see that you now knowing hurt even worse. But I am happy, Carlos. I'm really happy. I promise. Sometimes I get upset just like everyone else, but other times I feel like the happiest person in the world. And that's all thanks to you and everyone else."

It works. Carlos grins at him and the sun comes back out. "Making people happy makes me happy," he declares in satisfaction. "Especially if they deserve to be happy as much as you do, Logan."

"You're really really good at making people happy, Carlos." Logan assures him. "Just ask anyone in this room." He hugs Carlos back when the younger boy goes to him, but he can't help but feel a small twinge of sadness at the gentle contact. Before the accident, Carlos would have had tackled him to the ground. Now he's afraid of hurting him.

Still, Logan considers, there are worse things than a gentle Carlos. A sad and quiet James for example. He releases Carlos slowly and peers around him to try and get his older friend to look at him. "Jay," he calls softly.

James won't look at him. He's apparently fascinated with the pattern of the rug beneath his feet. But Logan can see that his face is wet with tears that are still falling. Everyone else is fixed or at least in the process of being fixed, but James is still so broken.

"Hey," Logan says, sitting next to him. "Look at me, James." He feels his heart start to break when James finally looks at him and all he can see is the pain and fear of a suffering eight year old boy.

"I'm sorry, Logie," James says, his voice breaking as he starts to cry harder. "I'm so sorry."

Logan doesn't say anything at first. He simply takes James into his arms and lets the taller boy lean into him, soaking his shirt with tears. Fighting back his own tears, Logan holds him tightly and rubs his back soothingly. "There's nothing to be sorry about, James."

He'll always regret keeping his father's abuse from everyone, not only because it had torn everyone up with guilt, but mostly because it was painfully clear now that a small part of James had been scarred for life. To be so young when this was going on and to not understand it, worse yet to have no one to talk to. . . And Logan's confession just brought all of those feelings back and right now, James is nothing more than a scared little boy. James is talking now in between sobs and hiccups, and Logan leans down closer so he can hear his friend, only to feel his heart break even more.

". . . my fault. . . you. . . died. Should have. . . let it. . . never-"

"James!" Logan gives him a gentle shake to get his attention. "I know I've been talking all day long, but bear with me for a little while longer. Just hang in there. For me."

_For me. _It feels like a cheap shot to Logan, but it works. James falls silent and Logan takes the opportunity right away. "Okay," he breathes. "James, when you were talking about your suspicions and everything that was going through your head when we were younger. . . you would have been right. I would have been mad at you. Furious even. You would have ruined any chance I had at having a relationship with my dad and I would have resented you for it. I honestly don't know what that would have done to our friendship because I was already making some pretty bad choices back then."

"I'd rather lose your friendship and know you were safe," James whispers into his shoulder. "than keep your friendship and lose you to your dad. But I thought I was going to lose everyone. I thought Kendall would hate me and Carlos would be hurt. And now. . . now I don't get why no one hates me."

"Because you didn't do anything wrong, James," Logan says again, feeling frantic at this point. "Listen, you and Kendall have always taken care of me and Carlos. Sure, you've been in the background sometimes, but sometimes that's what we need. Kendall is loud and intimidating and that's fantastic, don't get me wrong. But something you have more than Kendall is the ability to lead steadily. You're there when we need you, you're not forcing your way into a situation. You've always had this strong, quiet presence, James."

"Do you really think I believe that you need as much help with your homework as you make it out to be? What about how we suddenly dropped our tutoring sessions when I was adopted? That's the thing about you, James. You never announced that you were coming to save me and you didn't push past anyone to get to me. You were always just there in your own way. You said that you'd rather lose my friendship than me. . . James, you protected me too well for that to ever happen. You thought I didn't notice, but... I did."

Slowly, but surely, Logan can feel James relaxing in his arms. His breathing slows and begins to even out. He doesn't dare let him go and continues to talk. "Kendall, just so you know, you're perfect with your hardheadedness, don't ever change. I need you to push me sometimes."

James actually laughs softly at that and Logan feels a touch of hope. "So what, do Kendall and I balance each other out?" he asks softly.

"We all do," Logan tells him. "That's what makes us a team. You and James are the protectors, but you need someone to protect. Carlos and I need to be protected. And sometimes. . . sometimes the roles get reversed, but that's great too! We adapt to whatever the others need. That's what makes us such a perfect team."

"I love you, Logan," James whispers. "I promise I'll always be there to protect you as long as you need me."

Logan smiles, glad to see the James he knows and loves coming back to him. He's still not 100% okay. None of them are. But they're starting to heal, and that's the best birthday present he can ask for. "I'll always need you," he says, looking at James, and then around the room. "I'll always need all of you."

**A/N. Once again, it's 4:30 am and this has NOT been proofread so I highly doubt it's mistake free. But after the 12 hours this took to write (not 12 straight lol but off and on), I just want to submit it and get started on the penultimate chapter. I hope you all have a wonderful week. Thanks for reading**


	19. Three

**A/N. Hi, everyone! I wanted to get this up earlier, but last night was a little rough for me in terms of writing, and I accidentally erased the entire first draft of this chapter tonight so I had to start all over. This is incredibly short, but we're wrapping up and I wanted a nice, even number of chapters. The next will be the last. Oh, and quick thanks to Rachel from Tumblr for being the 200th reviewer! Thank you to everyone who has read this, it means a lot.**

It feels so wrong.

James tightens the laces on his skates one last time and stands up. As he heads out onto the ice to warm up, he glances over his shoulder at Logan who is still sitting on the bench. The younger boy is dressed in gym shorts and a plain t-shirt. His feet are in sneakers, not skates. He's not playing today.

The doctor cleared him to play again, but the doctors weren't the only hurdle and they weren't even close to the biggest challenge. That title belongs to Kendall. Kendall is absolutely terrified to let Logan on the ice again. The odds of another disastrous accident happening are no greater than usual, but the fact that the odds exist to begin with terrifies Kendall.

To be perfectly honest, it terrifies James too. He's always known that hockey is a dangerous sport. He and his friends have all had their fair share of injuries and they've seen others get hurt as well. But the months where Logan looked at him without recognition in his eyes were the absolute worst. To see their bond just disappear was the most pain he could ever imagine. If something like that ever happened again. . . or worse. . . James wouldn't be able to bear it.

But does that mean that they have to take hockey away from Logan? He doesn't want to play in the NHL like Kendall, but it's still a huge part of his life. It's a huge part of all of their lives. To be on the ice without Logan reminds James of the time he broke his wrist and could hardly use it for several weeks. He didn't function as well then and he highly doubts that the team is going to function as well without Logan with them now.

James skates off to the middle of the rink, looking back at Logan once more. He looks so alone on the bench, studying the clipboard Coach Jordan gave him when he showed up. It took quite a bit of work to convince Kendall that he'd be fine on the other side of the boards, but he's there now and looking completely out of place.

"Diamond! Head in the game!"

Jumping a little, James turns to see his coach watching him. He obviously knows what James is thinking and probably sympathizes with him, but that doesn't mean he's going to let anyone be distracted. Deciding against, reminding Coach that the game isn't actually happening right now, James nods and turns away from Logan and skates off.

Kendall and Carlos are skating close by, and right away James can see that they're talking about Logan. Carlos looks hesitant, but from Kendall's stony expression, James guesses that the younger boy is once again trying to convince him to let Logan play.

"Kendall, you have to stop babying him, he's the same age as you are," James says as he skates up alongside his friends. He draws back at little when Kendall glares at him and adds, "Look, I'm scared he'll get hurt again too. But you do realize that Carlos and I _and you_ could get hurt just as easily. What are we supposed to do, stop playing hockey all together?"

"I just-" Kendall glances over at Logan as they skate by. "I know hockey is a risky sport. But actually seeing him get hurt. . . and it wasn't even something little. It was really bad, guys."

"We know," Carlos says patiently. "We were all there too, remember?" He shivers a little at the memory, but tries to shake it off. "The point is, Kendall, he's better now. He's remembering more and more every day and he's back to mostly his normal self. If you want to point out the biggest change, I think it's a good one. He trusts us more. He doesn't doubt why we love him anymore."

This time, it's James' turn to shiver. He's still not over Logan's confession of how he was abused as a child. He's not ever going to get completely over it. He and Logan have gone back and forth about it long enough so that he has more peace about the situation, but that doesn't mean he's okay with it.

"I don't know," Kendall is saying when James refocuses. "It feels so wrong without him on the ice with us, but-"

"That's because it is wrong," Carlos tells him. "Kendall, the ice is where we met. It's a huge part of us. It's not the same without Logan. We got him back, Kendall, so why are we trying to keep him out of our lives?"

Kendall opens his mouth to answer, but before he can say anything, a whistle blows and their coach is calling them over. He looks at them pleadingly, hoping that the conversation can be dropped. James lets it go for now because Logan is doing his best to stay optimistic and he doesn't want to make him feel worse.

"Okay, so I was doing some research on this team last night," Logan tells them as soon as they reach him. "Their offense is pretty weak, but they have one of the best defenses we've ever seen. Don't underestimate 23 though, he's taken advantage of other teams trying to get past their defense. He's one of the top scorers in the league."

"Is he pretty much the only guy on offense we have to worry about?" Kendall asks, not looking straight at Logan."

"Yeah, he's really fast," Logan informs him, staring hard at Kendall and waiting for him to reply. "I mean, _really _fast. I saw some clips that someone put up on YouTube and the guy can really fly. You're going to have your work cut out for you if he ever gets the puck."

Kendall plasters a fake smile on his face. "We'll make sure he doesn't get the puck then," he assures Logan while still studying the ice beneath his feet.

Logan rolls his eyes at James as Kendall skates off. "He's avoiding the problem by pretending that there isn't one, I thought that was more your thing. No offense."

"None taken," James says, strangely pleased that Logan is mentioning one of his weaknesses. He's remembering and that makes it okay. "He's still scared, Logan, but it won't last. We'll get you back on the ice."

Logan grins at him, but it's doesn't reach his eyes so it's not real. "I think once you guys lose, he'll be dragging me back out," he jokes.

"You know, you can play whether Kendall wants you to or not," Carlos points out, pretending to adjust his laces so he can drag the time out a little longer.

"I know, I just-" Logan falters and sighs. "I don't think I could do that to him. I'm actually afraid he'd get hurt because he would be so distracted by making sure I'm okay. We'd probably be in worse shape than we are now."

"But it's not fair-" The whistle blows, interrupting James' protest. He sighs and looks back at Logan who gives them a sad smile. "We'll figure this out, Logie. Just remember that it's your decision and it's not just about Kendall. No matter how much you admire him, he's still wrong this time."

He and Carlos skate to the center of the rink where Kendall is already waiting. Looking at his older friend, James can see that there's no way he can be mad at him. He can see that this problem is tearing Kendall apart. He looks from Kendall on the ice to Logan all the way over on the bench and sends up a quick prayer that they actually lose. Maybe that'll help Kendall see how wrong things are.

* * *

"I've never been so embarrassed in all my life," James groans as he pulls off his skates and tosses them into the corner of the locker room. "That had to have been the worst game we've ever played in our entire lives."

Kendall doesn't say anything as he follows James' example of stripping his gear and exchanging it for street clothes. He's been unusually quiet all day, even during the game. It's like he's waiting for someone to try and bring up the subject of Logan playing again.

Logan glances over at the two boys from where he's trying to undo one of the tightly knotted laces on Carlos' left skate. "They were all over you," he commented lightly. "That guy, was his name Matt? He scored four goals on you. A hat trick, plus one."

"I know, Logan," Kendall sighs. "I was there, remember?"

"Were you? I mean, I saw you, but you looked like you were in another world, Kendall. You weren't even half the hockey player that everyone knows about."

Kendall yanks off his skate and throws it into the corner, making everyone jump. "I'm sorry, Logan!" he shouts. "I'm sorry I'm too scared to let you play and I'm sorry we sucked so much. I'm sorry we lost and that it was my fault because you weren't with us. Logan, I don't know what else to do though! Every time I think about you playing again, all I can think of is what happened to you. How we almost lost you."

"Kendall, you can't protect me from everything," Logan says, giving Carlos' laces a final tug. "We could be in a head on collision on the way home from the rink today. I could choke on my food at dinner. Some lunatic could shoot up the school-"

"Stop," Kendall protests as Carlos covers his ears. "Logan-

"I could get cancer or wind up addicted to drugs. I could get kidnapped or trip on my way down the stairs and fall. I-"

"Shut up!" Kendall stands up and throws his skate across the room where it dents the locker there. "Shut up, shut up, shut up!"

"I'm sorry, but do you realize that you can't protect me from everyone and everything? You can't protect anyone from everything. Things are going to happen and some of those things are going to be bad. You can't stop them, Kendall."

"Stop," Kendall croaks out.

James exchanges nervous glances with Carlos and reaches out to touch Logan on the shoulder. "Logie," he says gently. "Maybe you _should_ stop."

But Logan already knows that. He stops talking and moves cautiously to Kendall's side. "Kendall," he whispers. "I'm sorry, bro."

Kendall is fighting back tears and the smile he tries to give Logan isn't even close to convincing. "It's okay," he sniffs, wiping at his eyes.

"No. No, it's not okay, Kendall. I shouldn't have said any of that. It was really wrong and I'm so sorry." Logan is shaking as he touches Kendall's shoulder. "I won't play hockey again if you really don't want me to," he says, catching James and Carlos off guard. "I-"

"Logan!" James hisses. "Don't even think about-"

He stops when Logan turns to look at him, shaking his head. Backing off, he swallows hard and looks back at Carlos. Is this really it? Has the team really lost Logan? It's blasphemy to even think so, but James can't really see any other way this situation will take them. Unless. . .

"Kendall, maybe you should talk to someone about this."

The words are out of his mouth before he can think twice. James immediately wishes he could take them back and starts to inwardly kick himself for crossing the line. "I mean," he stammers, trying to fix it. "I just think that asking Logan to stop playing hockey is. . . too much. Because he was right in a way. Bad things happen that are out of our control. But does that mean we have to sit inside a padded room day after day?"

Kendall, surprisingly, hasn't snapped at him. He's clearly still shaken up by Logan's rant. "N-no," he says in a shaky voice. "I know that. But it's just. . ." he sighs. "I've always known that no matter how hard I try, I can't protect you guys from everything. But that doesn't mean that I try. And when I fail, it just makes me think of how. . . easy it is for bad things to happen. And it scares me."

"Logan, every time I imagine you getting on the ice again, I see you falling and not getting up. I hear you asking me who I am. I _don't _feel that connection we've always had. We weren't four best friends anymore, Logan. We were three. Three and someone who had no idea who we were after eleven years of friendship. And it killed me. It hurt so much to see you like that and don't want it to ever happen again."

Logan rubs Kendall's back as he cries, avoiding James and Carlos' stares. "It won't happen again, Kendall," he says quietly. "If it makes you happy, then I won't ever skate again. I promise."

**A/N. Well. I liked Logan's -rant- Also, I'm stretching the angst out for as long as possible as usual. I hope you all enjoyed it! Thank you very much for reading. I hope to update very soon, but in the meantime, enjoy your week!**


	20. Finally

**A/N. Here it is, the final chapter. It's short and not a lot happens. There's also a large time jump, but I thought it was necessary. There was only one last issue to resolve in this story and I wanted to do it a certain way here. Hopefully, it satisfies all of you as well. :)**

Logan stares out his window at the swirling white snow. It's been falling since this morning and has created a light blanket over the front lawn and all over. It's absolutely beautiful. The first snowfall of the year.

Sighing, Logan lets the shade fall back against the window, hiding his view of the outside. Right now, it's only reminding him of what he doesn't have anymore. He, Kendall, Carlos, and James, used to have this tradition of skating on their pond after the first snowfall of the year. Ever since they were ten, they'd take brooms and shovels and clean off the surface of the pond until it was as smooth as the ice rink. Then they'd play a game of hockey.

Logan can't remember the last time he put on skates. It was the day of his accident, but even after all this time, he has no memory of that day. He's still missing a lot of pieces of his life, but he has the important parts back and that's what counts.

He can't help but think that maybe, just maybe, skating might bring some of those lost memories back to him. His father left such a scarring impact on his life that it was no wonder Kendall tried to hide the truth from him. At the same time, the impact was also so powerful that it also makes sense that remembering him brought so many memories back. Hockey and skating in general was also an enormous part of his life. It's how he met his best friends. Wouldn't that make a difference?

Aside from that though, Logan just wants to skate. He wants to feel the sharp edges of his blades glide across the smooth ice. He wants to feel the cold biting at his face and the adrenaline coursing through his veins. He wants skating back in his life.

James and Carlos want him to skate too, and so does Kendall. But Kendall is so afraid of him getting hurt again, that Logan is actually afraid of him having some sort of breakdown. Ironic that he's protecting Kendall by letting Kendall protect him. Then again, that's how they've often worked.

Does it have to involve such a sacrifice though? Or is Logan being selfish. He'd pick Kendall being okay over playing hockey any day, same with James and Carlos. It's just really hard this time around and Logan is frustrated by the struggle.

He picks up the picture frame by his desk and stares intently at it. It's a new frame that Kendall gave him to replace the one he threw and broke. There's no crack separating himself from his friends. But it's still there somehow. Invisible. And Logan is determined to get rid of it.

Standing up, he carries it out of his room and into Kendall's room without bothering to knock. The older boy is sitting at his desk, bent over a text book. He looks up as Logan walks in and immediately reads the expression on his face. Logan holds up a hand to silence him.

"I already promised to never skate again if you didn't want me to," he begins, walking over and hopping up on the edge of Kendall's desk so he can have all his attention. "and I won't go back on that promise, Kendall. But that doesn't mean I can try to convince you to change your mind."

At first, Kendall isn't looking at him. He's staring at his textbook and Logan notices right away the slight tremble of his hands as he tries to close the large book. "Logan," he starts out slowly. "I want you to play, I really do. But I just- all I can see Logan, every time I think about you skating again, is-"

"Me falling and getting hurt again," Logan finishes softly. "Kendall, I thought you were doing well with your therapist. You're still imagining that happening to me? Does he know? Your therapist?"

He feels bad for bringing up the therapist, especially when Kendall flinches at the mention. They've all been to the therapist, a man named Ian, to deal with not only Logan's terrible accident, but the traumatic events that unfolded as a result of Logan's memory being so unguarded. Logan and Carlos were able to move on fairly quickly and didn't last long. But James and Kendall have been a different story.

James still deals with feelings of guilt and regret, while Kendall continues to be tormented not only by guilt and regret for what Logan's father did to him, but also by nightmarish memories of Logan's accident. Though they've both made slow but steady strides where the long ago past is concerned, Kendal still struggles with what happened to Logan this past summer.

"He knows," Kendall says quietly. "He said I'm not dealing with it the right way by not wanting you skate."

Logan can tell by the look on Kendall's face that Ian telling him how to deal was equivalent to telling him how to protect his brother. It can't have gone over very well. "What do you think?" he asks.

Kendall sighs. "I don't know, Logan, I honestly don't. Having you skate with us would not only make us that great team we used to be, but it's skating. It's what we do."

He's referring to them skating in the present tense, which Logan decides is a good thing. "But?" he prompts, knowing Kendall still isn't done.

"But I don't know what I'll do if you get hurt like that again," Kendall admits. "Or worse. . ."

"I can't promise that won't happen," Logan tells him regretfully. "but neither can James or Carlos or you or anyone else, Kendall. So why am I the only one sitting on the bench."

"Because you're the only one who listens to me when it's something like this," Kendall answers. "James and Carlos hate me for this. The whole team does. I hate myself. I just get sick to my stomach whenever I think of you playing again."

"Because you keep seeing my accident in your head," Logan states. "Kendall, how healthy do you think that is? And continuing it obviously isn't helping, so don't you think we should try something else?"

Kendall stiffens and automatically glances outside where it's still snowing. "I don't know."

Logan relaxes. At least it's not a straight out refusal. "We'll take it slow," he assures him. "No hockey, not even two on two. Just skating. I'll even wear my helmet."

Kendall doesn't say anything and Logan tries again. "It's tradition, Kendall," he reminds him. "We've been doing it since we were ten. The ice is where we met and I want to go back."

Kendall looks outside again. He stands up and goes to stand by the window. Logan falls silent, holding his breath while he waits. He's not out of options, but he doesn't want to push Kendall too hard right away. Today is just so important.

"Call James and Carlos," Kendall says at last, breaking Logan's train of thought. "It can't hurt to take a walk up there. I'll grab our stuff."

Outwardly, Logan struggles to remain calm, while inwardly he's suddenly so nervous and excited that he feels like throwing up. "Okay," he says quietly, pulling out his cell phone with a shaking hand. He knows he might not even end up on the ice, but at least he has a chance.

* * *

Logan can sense Kendall's eyes on him as he laces up his skates. They've already cleared off the ice and now they're getting ready to skate. Carlos is already skating around in tight, excited circles James has his skates on too, but he's simply standing on the ice, fidgeting nervously. Kendall looks like he's going to have a heart attack.

"Do you need help?" he asks, starting to kneel down.

"I can tie my own skates, thanks," Logan replies ruefully. He's so excited that his hands are shaking and he wonders if getting Kendall to help might actually be a good idea. But at last, he manages to tie them tightly enough and stands up.

Kendall's arms are reaching out towards him right away, ready to steady him if need be. "Good?" he asks breathlessly. "Are you okay, Logan?"

"I'm fine," Logan assures him calmly. "Are you okay?"

To his surprise, Kendall manages a quick smile. "Better than I thought I would be," he replies. Taking a deep breath, he steps out onto the ice and turns back to Logan, reaching out to him. "Ready?"

Logan is more than ready. He follows Kendall out onto the ice, but gently brushes aside his hand. He does let Kendall stay close enough to catch him on the off chance that he does fall. Immediately, a thrill rushes through him and he takes a deep breath.

"That's what we've been waiting for," James says almost to himself. "Kendall, don't forget to breathe."

"Ha," Kendall mutters under his breath. "I forgot your helmet, Logan," he says, obviously upset with himself. "I can't believe that I forgot your helmet."

"I can't believe you forgot it either," Logan says with a little laugh. "I'm fine though, Kendall. Really. Just because I haven't been on the ice for months doesn't mean that I forgot how to skate. I practically grew up here, remember?"

"He's not disabled, Kendall," James, less patient than Logan, skates toward the brothers and carefully eases between them. "Stop being a helicopter parent."

"I am not," Kendall denies quickly.

Logan laughs again and shakes his head. "Not at all," he says sarcastically. Part of him feels bad for laughing at Kendall when he's such a nervous wreck, but most of him is just too ecstatic to care that much.

Carlos conveniently slips and falls, nearly knocking Kendall down in the process. As the older boy struggles to maintain his balance and help his friend up at the same time, James gives Logan the smallest of shoves and winks at him.

Logan nods and takes off. He doesn't go too fast though because despite his assurance, his legs do feel unused to the slippery surface. Determined to not feel discouraged, he skates on even as he hears Kendall cry out his name.

"Logan, wait!" Of course, Kendall is skating right after him. He doesn't grab his arm though, afraid it might set him off balance, and instead forces himself to skate next to him.

"Kendall, I'm fine, really!" he exclaims, trying to stay patient and calm. "Look. This is me. Skating. Just like always."

_Just like always._ Kendall hesitates briefly as the words sink in. "Logan-" he tries, his eyes filling with tears. "I'm sorry. I know you're fine. I do. I just-" He stops and takes a deep breath. "You're fine. You're fine. I know."

Logan risks a smile and sighs in relief when Kendall gives him a small one in return. "So?" he asks, skating in a quick circle around his brother. "How are we doing?"

Kendall watches him glide over the ice as naturally as he always has. He looks over at James and Carlos who are both grinning widely. "Logan," he says finally. "I'm sorry I ever tried to take this away from you. It was wrong of me, and Logie, don't ever let me affect your decision making like that again. You. . . you were right."

Of course, the blade of Logan's skate chooses that exact moment to catch on an edge in the ice. He stumbles, flailing his arms out for balance, nearly taking Kendall down with him in the process. Steadying himself, he shakes loose of the grip Kendall has on him, and looks up nervously. "You were saying?"

Kendall shakes his head. "I was saying that you were right," he says, sounding slightly strained. "And don't worry, I still think that. It's still going to take a little time to get used to it."

"To get used to the fact that I was right?" teases Logan.

Kendall's eyes widen and he shakes his head again. "Logan, no, I didn't mean that! I meant it's going to take a little while for me to be able to. . . to relax. But not as long as I thought it would."

"It's funny," he continues thoughtfully. "I thought that seeing you like this would only make things worse since just thinking about it used to freak me out. But it actually makes me feel so much better."

Logan can't imagine being happier. He's with his best friends and they're on the ice once more. Sure, they aren't playing hockey. . . yet. They're taking it one day at a time. He elbows Kendall and with a grin says, "Remember when we were thirteen and James decided he wanted to reenact the entirety of Miracle?"

Kendall laughs and the sound is so good. He sounds happy. Janes and Carlos laugh too. "It came to me just now," Logan tells them, flushed with pride. "He made you be Coach Herb Brooks, Kendall, and we all got to be the Coneheads."

"Hey, I was the one who got to skip out on the sprinting scene," Kendall informs him with another laugh. "He was mad at me that week so I think his plan was to make me feel left out."

James rolls his eyes. "Clearly I've gotten better at making you angry."

"Don't remind us about that," Carlos says in a rush. "Happy thoughts only today, guys."

"I'm with Carlos," Logan agrees, slinging an arm over the smaller boy's shoulders.

Kendall and James both smile at the younger boys. "That's pretty easy to do," Kendall says. He holds out his hand and adds, "It's good to have you back with us, bro."

Logan takes Kendall's hand and shakes it firmly. "Thank you for trusting me, Kendall. All of you. Because I know Kendall wasn't the only one was nervous. I know I was."

"I knew you would be fine," Carlos says loyally. "I knew we'd all be fine."

Logan would love to have the confidence and optimism that Carlos possesses. But that doesn't matter here and now. Here and now, they're all in the same place and they all know that everything is going to be okay. He's back.

**A/N. Thank you all so much for reading this story. A big thanks to everyone who took the time to tell me how they were liking it, because it means a lot to me to get any kind of feedback. I take everything into consideration and use it to (hopefully) improve my writing. **

**I would like to make a little announcement at this point though. This might be the last time I post anything for quite some time. It's been an up and down year for me (as I'm sure you might have noticed by now), and I'm still struggling with writer's block for all of my other in-progress stories. I might get hit with inspiration as soon as tomorrow and be able to pick on of those stories up again, but I don't want to make any promises and let you guys down. So for the time being, I'm taking a step away from writing fan fiction and concentrating on other things.**

**HOWEVER, this does not mean that I'm gone for good. I'll always be around if any of you need to talk. I'll also continue to read and review. And who knows? Maybe I'll post a one-shot occasionally or even figure out how to write again. We'll find out. In the meantime, thank you all for the support and encouragement so many of you have poured out and given to me even though I don't deserve any of it. You're all wonderful people and with the school year starting back up, I wish you the best of luck. Remember, I'm always here to talk. Love you!**


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